These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day seven – dream
(journaling below)
Journaling:
When I was little, I had a lot of dreams for my life. I wanted to study Computer Science. I wanted to do art. I wanted to move to the United States. I wanted to work from home and raise my children. I had big, audacious dreams for what my life was going to look like.
Here we are, some thirty years later, and all of those dreams have come true. I did move to America. I did study computers and art. I get to do both every day of my life. I get to work at a big, wonderful company with products I love and people I admire. I even get to work from home and raise the two boys I love and adore. I also have things in my life that I didn’t even think to dream about: a kind, generous, loving husband. A home in a safe and beautiful neighborhood in a state where the sun shines almost every single day. Intelligent, interesting, generous friends. Good health. Incredible luck.
And so much more.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a cafe near my house and listening to an assignment for one of my classes where I had to write down some things I was grateful for. As I made a list of small and big gratitudes in my life, it struck me that my life had turned out so much better than I’d ever dreamt of even though my wishes and dreams had been wildly audacious considering I was this little girl from Istanbul. My life is so magical, so wonderful, and so mind blowing that I don’t think the little girl I was could have ever imagined it.
So here I am at forty and all my dreams have already come true. Sure I have other dreams for my kids, for my husband, and for other people in my life. I dream of schools my kids can go to, people they can meet, lives they can create for themselves. Lives filled with contentment, joy, curiosity, and luck. I dream of success and fulfillment my husband can have with his career. I dream of wonderful times we can spend as a family, celebrating our good fortune and good health. I dream of a long and steady old age for my parents.
But, for me, I am all set. I feel like I’ve received more than my fair share of magic in this world and I am grateful for every single moment I get from here onward. Instead of making more dreams, I would like to bask in the light of all the wonderfulness I have and appreciate its splendor. I am so deeply grateful.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day six – the most important thing.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
The most important thing has such an ominous sound to it. I feel like I get this one wrong, everything else will collapse, too. After all, if you can’t get “the most important thing” right, what hope do you have of getting anything else right, isn’t that so?
My first instinct, of course, was to say my family. They are definitely the most important thing in my life. But I’ve already written about them. Several times. So I wanted to think about something creative and different, but still true.
And then it hit me. The most important thing is me. I am the most important thing.
I know it might sound narcissistic at first but it’s not. As I grow older, I’m learning that how well I take care of myself and how I feel has a direct impact on those I love. If I am patient and loving with myself, I am able to be more patient and loving with my kids. If I can offer myself grace when I make a mistake, I can extend the same courtesy to my husband. The more I have, the more I can give.
A few years ago, I’d read that you cannot love others more than you love yourself. I violently dismissed this as soon as I read it. It couldn’t be true because I knew that, for me, it wasn’t true. I definitely loved my kids and my husband much, much more than I love myself. I’ve always had a contentious relationship with myself but I knew that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for my family. So it made no sense that my love for them couldn’t be greater than the small amount I felt for myself.
But then I realized the depth of the sentence. The fact is, when I am not kind to myself, when I don’t love myself, when I am not taking care of myself, I am not my best self. If I don’t foster these things in myself, I am failing those I love. At first look, I am setting a really bad example. I know that what I do matters much more than what I say. How can I expect my kids to love themselves when I don’t? And when we go deeper, it’s even worse. How can I give what I don’t have. If I don’t fill myself up with love, I cannot authentically give it to my family. I want them to see what it looks like and feel what it feels like to deeply love someone. It’s not enough to say it; I have to live it.
As with most things, it starts with me. The most important thing is for me to love me.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day five – drink.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
During August, I finally started my walking practice again. With that, came the efforts to eat well and take better care of my health in general. Every day, I took a long walk in the morning, once my early meetings are done. I also started the tradition of walking to Cafe Borrone on the weekend mornings and taking a little time for myself.
Both on Saturdays and Sundays, I wake up relatively early and walk the 25 minutes to the Cafe. I then get myself a 16oz double shot, non-fat, no foam latte and a warmed up croissant and I sit down with my notebook and ipad. I listen to a book on tape on the way so, sometimes the story so interesting that I don’t want to stop listening to it. During those times, I might eat, drink, and play games while I listen. If I am really productive, I might sketch as well. Other times, I will journal. I’ve been known to sit there and write down my thoughts for a solid hour. On Sundays, I often plan my week and figure out work and personal todos for the week to come. I try to highlight the most important tasks so I feel more prepared. After a little while, I will save half of my croissant, finish my coffee and start the walk back home.
I’ve come to cherish these quiet mornings more than any other ritual I have. Even though I love my family so so much, I also need quiet time. It’s how I replenish my soul. These little walks, the solitude, and the reflection do just that. They fill me up so that I can come back full and give everything I have to the people I love and be grateful for them all over again.
I am so lucky to live near such a delightful cafe. I am lucky to have the time and freedom to do this each weekend day. And I am lucky to have the people I love waiting for me at home when I return. Grateful for this little ritual of mine.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day four – she says.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
My first instinct with this post was to write all the things I say all day long. Then I was thinking I can write about what I want to say but I don’t. And then I thought that I already say most of what I want to. So I was back to square one and unsure what I should write about when I realized that all I really want to write about is saying the most important thing I want to make sure to remember to say (and, no, it’s not “i love you.” I say that a lot and I mean it each time. So that’s an easy one for me.)
The one that’s harder and the one I want to make sure to remember is to say: nothing.
It’s so easy for me to speak without thinking when I am angry or hurt. It’s so easy for me to yell. It’s so easy for me to say things that I regret soon after. Sometimes it’s not even something horrible but I still say words I’d rather not say. Words that I am not proud of. Words that I remember later and feel sad I said. I always apologize. And I am getting better at apologizing even when I feel like it’s not my fault. I don’t make things a matter of pride. I have learned to let go over the years and I know that what matters most is for us to move forward and let go of anger, resentment, hurt, etc. So I apologize. Every single time, if that’s what it takes.
Even though I apologize every time and the people who love me do forgive me, I still want to do better. I want to stop myself before I get to the point where I have said things that need an apology. I want to be better at responding and not reacting. Not always jumping the gun. Not always answering right away. There are times when I react to what’s happening too quickly and if I can just wait a beat or two, I would say something totally different. Or say anything at all.
This one is for me. It’s not so others can like me more or so I can apologize less. It’s because I want the words that come out of my mouth to be aligned with who I want to be in the world. I want to be kind. I want the people in my life to know that what matters most to me is for them to see how much I love them and how they mean the world to me. I want my words to be kind, generous, and loving. Sure there will be tough moments, but I want to walk through them with grace. I want to remember the big picture. And in moments of weakness, I want to choose silence over unkindness.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day three – color.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
For the longest time, my favorite color didn’t really mean much to me. When I was little, it was purple and then as an adult I liked blue. I feel like most adults say “blue” if they don’t actually have a favorite color. Like it’s the generic go-to favorite color. So, blue, it was.
A few years ago, there was a shift after a month of scrapbooking, where I realized I loved bright, happy colors. I loved all the colors, but in their brightest versions. Give me turquoise, yellow, red, green, pink, any day. I loved them all. Especially the happy yellow. Orangey yellow became my favorite color. After that, I changed my wardrobe to include a lot of Desigual dresses. They seem to reflect my love of color perfectly.
And then there was another major shift last year. I did a visualization exercise where I was talking to my future self. When I did the exercise, I realized this future self was living in a mostly white and glass room overlooking the sea. There were some neutral elements, too, but the white really stood out to me. There seemed to be a strong link between the calmness of this future self and the color white. The impact of this exercise was so strong that I started buying white or clear things. I changed my art table to only have clear or white containers. I changed my bedsheets and covers to be completely white. I even changed my daily Moleskines to be white (but kept a few of my favorite yellow ones, too.) And the change has been profound. The white does indeed make me feel calmer. I love it’s clean, crisp look. And I really love how it makes all the other colors pop that much more.
Looking back, I had already realized this many years ago, when I changed all my scrapbook pages to have white backgrounds, when I realized that I didn’t like painting the background of my sketch or art journal pages. I’ve always liked the white base. I love the way the true colors show, shine and pop when placed on a white surface. This year, I’ve even bought three white dresses with bold, bright colors on them. I love being surrounded by all the white. It’s amazing how much that little exercise changed my day to day life.
One of the best things about living in California is the number of sunny days in the year. The sun has the same effect in my life that white surfaces do: it makes all the colors brighter and happier. It helps me see that my life is so full of color and joy. And I am grateful for that reminder every single day.
These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day two – home.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
Home has been an elusive concept for me. For many, many years of my life, I regularly felt like I didn’t have a home. I was born and raised in Istanbul, Turkey, but I moved to the United States when I was seventeen. I spent the first few years here in a dorm room in Pittsburgh and then a small apartment in New York City and then another two in San Diego. I then moved to the Bay Area where I finally got to live in a house and not an apartment. But even then, we were renting. And, finally, as of six years ago, we have our own little home.
In all the places I’ve lived, I’ve always questioned if this was my home or not. Was my home still in Turkey or was it finally in America? Surely a dorm room couldn’t be my home, could it? Did a home have to be a home, or could it be an apartment? What would make my home and home? How would I know when I finally had a home in the United States?
After pondering all these questions, here’s what I’ve come to believe: I have many homes. I have home in Turkey, with my mom and dad. One that’s always open to me anytime I choose to stay. I have a home in Burgaz with my mom and my dad and my sister and her family anytime I choose to join them. I have a home with my in-laws in Boston and Martha’s Vineyard. They are always welcoming and would love to have me. And, finally, I have my own home, right here in Menlo Park, California. All of these places are my homes because all of these places are where the people I love live.
Home is where we laugh and spend time together and have arguments and cry with disappointment and celebrate with joy. Home is where we eat, we play, we talk, we sleep, and where we create memories. Home is where we are always welcomed and where belonging is never questioned. Home is warm and cozy. Home is soft and inviting.
Home is not about a location or a type of building. It’s not about the furniture inside. It’s about the people who smile when you walk through the door. It’s about deep sense of contentment that envelops you each time you walk through the door. It’s about getting to be exactly who you are and being loved exactly for that.
I am incredibly lucky to get to have all the homes I have and to get to spend my moments in these places, with these people whom I love and cherish so deeply.
Back in 2012, Ali offered a 31 Things class through Big Picture Scrapbooking. It was one of my favorite classes and I remember looking forward to the prompts every single day. So when I saw that she offered 31 More Things, I knew I really wanted to take it. After about a week of debating with myself on whether I could do it or not, I just took the plunge and did it even though I knew September would be pretty hectic. I just love this class too much.
So here’s my day one – passion.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
When I look back through my life, it feels impossible to point to one particular passion. The truth is, I am passionate about everything I do. I tend to favor the “all-or-nothing” approach to life. I like to throw myself at the things I care about and explore both deeply and widely.
Over the course of last twenty years alone, I’ve been passionate about writing, photography, scrapbooking, mixed media, journaling, languages, computers, 3-D animation, psychology, mindfulness, sketching, life coaching, and teaching, just to list a few. I guess the one thread across all the years of my life has been reading so if I were forced to name one passion I’ve had all my life, I’d have to point to reading. For as long as I can remember, books have been my saviors. I will never go anywhere without at least three books on hand. So maybe it’s fair to say that books have always been my biggest passion.
But all these pale in comparison to my true passion: my family.
Yes, I have many hobbies and subjects I like to learn. And, yes, I am always exploring, growing, and looking for new hobbies to get passionate about. But, there’s nothing that’s ever meant more to me than my family. And there never will be. My passion for them is of another sort altogether.
My family members are pretty much my favorite people in the world. These are my people. They are the ones I can count on and they are the ones I will help whenever they need, no questions asked. I feel deeply grateful each time I look at this picture. It is my reminder that I am never alone. And that I belong. I am passionate about the happiness of each of these people.
I am very lucky to have an incredible family of kind, loving, and generous people. And I want to make sure that, at the end of my life, when I look back on my years, I feel like my days have been full of these people and I have told each of them how much they mean to me. And that I’ve spent many of my moments not just telling them that but showing them my love many, many times in many, many ways.
So very, very grateful.
|
projects for twenty twenty-four
projects for twenty twenty-three
projects for twenty twenty-two
projects for twenty twenty-one
projects for twenty nineteen
projects for twenty eighteen
projects from twenty seventeen
monthly projects from previous years
some of my previous projects
|
