This is one of my favorites of the faces I painted so far. It’s based off of a Leonardo painting I believe. It’s using gold paint on the hair and shirt. It’s not perfect of course but I like it especially because profiles are so incredibly hard for me.

Today’s quote reads:

Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.

I had a long, wonderful talk with my mom today. It was her birthday and yet she spent it talking to me, worrying about me, and helping me. (I hope that when my kids are grown up I can be nearly as caring and loving a mom as she is.) And we were talking exactly about this topic.

I often have the story that my thoughts, way of life, and choices are too different from everyone around me. I feel off. Odd. Outside. Broken. Like I just can’t do anything right and like my journey is the wrong one to be on and the one that disappoints all the people around me.

My wise and loving mom reminded me that we each have our own journey and the most important person to be at peace with is our very own selves. And that I don’t owe anyone anything. As long as I am happy with my choices, they are mine and I get to live them and no one else gets to tell me that’s not okay.

Indeed.

If only it were so easy to remember. Or to live by. This is tough for me. Somewhere along the line, I must have decided that I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I want to be kind, loving, generous to everyone. I want everyone to get what they want/need. Even when everyone’s interests are conflicting with each other. And with mine.

Which is, clearly, unwise. And unattainable. Impossible.

But alas, I strive for it.

And drive myself insane in the process. At first I get frustrated, then mad, and then deeply, deeply sad. Then, at some point, I don’t even try anymore. I do nothing. But I still continue to feel bad about it. Which is basically just asking for punishment.

It’s not surprising that I end up sad, depressed, and feel like giving up.

I am almost forty and this is a pattern I’d like to stop.

After our talk today, I thought long and hard about my mom’s words. And about how much all this is costing me. My life. My days. My moments with the people I love and adore.

And I am just done with it. Done with caring about what I don’t actually care about. Done trying to worry about the people who don’t matter. I will do what I can and the rest can deal. To make it even more specific, here’s my plan:

I will put photos of the people I care about in my notebook. When something gets me upset, I will look at the photos. Is the person who upset me in there? No? Then I let it go. Who cares about these other people. They are not on my list.

If the person is in there, I will let the hurt go and reach out to them to clear the air. These are people I love and people who I know will respect my journey even if they don’t understand it. These are my people.

And if they don’t, well that’s okay, too.

Because, in the end, it’s my journey. And only I need to understand it.

Like everything else, it comes back to you. Who you are. What you believe. What your values are. Again and again, life is about honoring that. Stepping fully into who you are and being truly at peace with that. Because you are meant to be here exactly the way you are.

And so am I.

And no one gets to take that away from me. Not even I.

(Thank you for being you Mom, you always, always, always have my back. I am so deeply grateful for you. And I love you. Happy Birthday!!)

This face was made with neocolor watersoluble crayons and gesso for the most part. It’s not one of my favorites but I made a whole range of them this month and this one is there. I like the quote on it which is why I wanted to make sure to post it.

No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside.

This is one that has me thinking often. Even this morning. I had to make a decision at work and one of the engineers didn’t like my decision. It wasn’t an easy one, I thought a lot about it and then had to make a call. A big part of my job is making these calls. They are never easy and I often have to weigh all sides, think things through, and then make a decision between two bad choices. It’s not something I love but it’s something I have to do. Anyhow, I made a decision and he didn’t like it and then he made some snide comment.

And it hurt my feelings.

I was so upset that I had tears in my eyes. (Reason #23463 I am grateful that I work from home.) And then I thought of this quote. He can’t make me upset. He can’t hurt my feelings. He can just make some crappy comments. And I get to choose what they mean. I get to decide their impact on me. I get to choose how I feel.

I get to choose.

I forget this often. I think it’s easy to fall into the victim mentality and act like things are happening to you. What I like about this quote is that it’s a reminder that you are in control.

Let me rephrase: You are never in control of what others do but you are always in control of how you feel about it. Every. single. time.

You get to choose how to feel. What to feel.

And once you claim that choice, you are now in a position of power. You are no longer a victim. You remember that you own your life. Every single part of it, including all of your feelings.

You own everything that you allow inside.

This is one of my favorites from all the faces I made in May so far. I can’t really describe what I like about it. Maybe just that it turned out the way I hoped it would.

The quote says:

You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean.

When I first read this quote, I was struck by it. Reading it now, I am still struck by it.

I can’t put my finger on exactly what strikes me about the quote. Maybe the magnanimity of it. How enormous the idea of being the entire ocean sounds to me. As I imagined it more, it made me think about holograms. I remember, years ago, I learned in a human brain class how a hologram works differently than a picture.

If you were to print a photo on glass and then break it, each glass piece would have a part of the photo. If it’s a face, for example, a broken piece might have an eye on it or an ear, etc. But a hologram doesn’t work that way. If you break a hologram printed on glass, each broken piece has the whole hologram on it, just faded. So you’d see the whole face on each piece.

That’s how I thought about this quote. How we’re all the entire ocean. The ocean is made up of all of us. Each of us is a whole piece of it. Like a piece of a hologram. We’re not a part of the whole, we’re each the whole. All of the whole.

Something about that idea makes me feel whole, held, belonging.

It also makes me feel bigger, wider, all encompassing.

I like the idea of all of us carrying the whole inside of us. Not just a piece but the whole thing.

Isn’t that a lovely thought?

today’s quote is:

So plant your own gardens and decorate your soul instead of waiting for someone to being you flowers.

This one had me thinking for a while, too. Maybe this is because of movies or books but I think we always wait for others to do the nice things for us. Part of growing up, for me, has been realizing that I can buy my own flowers. And chocolates. And presents. I don’t need someone to buy them for me.

And even more importantly, someone buying or not buying them for me doesn’t mean anything. I’ve had it both ways and I can’t say that the guy who bought them loved me more than the one who didn’t. Some people are into those little things and do them all the time and others do not. In fact, the guy who always bought me flowers was also considerably less nice to me overall than the one who didn’t.

Who made the rule that we have to be waiting?

Why do others get to decide when we get to have flowers?

Why does anyone else ever get to decide my worth? My soul’s joy?

Part of growing up is owning who you are. Stepping into that fully. Decorating your own soul. Planting your gardens. Buying whatever you desire without waiting for approval. Being not just okay with who you are but beaming in the unique beauty of fully being you.

That’s what I want for myself.

And for all of those around me.

So, I start the process of decorating my soul.