So much of life is an inside job. We all grow up being told how to behave, what to aim for, who to be.
And then we have to spend the rest of our lives unraveling that and really looking within to see who we want to be, what brings us joy, what feels good and what is truly meaningful.
I find that a big part of being able to stay open for me is going within and being really clear on what matters to me and then making choices that bring those things to the front of my life.
No one else can do that for me. It’s an inside job.
I can’t wait until the days are longer again and I can’t wait until it’s no longer raining in California.
I’m grateful that days without sun are so rare here. I find that sunshine is one of the things that helps me stay open. Just like sand and sea, tall trees, birds and mountains. Nature is so healing and so wide open.
One of the things I want to be open to changing this year is how things have to feel. I like to work hard and I like being helpful and getting things done.
I think over the years this has meant that life feels hard. My calendar is full, my email is overflowing and I am perpetually behind. Or I must be doing something wrong.
This year, my goal is to shift this mentality. I would like things to feel easy. I don’t want to glorify being busy and I want to teach myself that hard work and productivity doesn’t have to feel hard and is not the same as busy work.
We climbed so much in 2021 that I had made a lot of progress and could climb pretty tough routes.
And then Jake broke his collarbone in 2022, and then had a trip to Italy and then one to Vietnam. This means 2022 was considerably less climbing focused.
Which meant I lost much of my skill and stamina.
So 2023 is about building it back. Because that’s how life goes: some steps forward and then some steps back and we just keep showing up and keep doing what gives us joy. It’s more about the journey and less about the destination.
Staying open to the possibility that the second time around, I’m building on a stronger foundation and not starting from scratch.
I know some people prefer to ignore.it when they are feeling bad. They will distract themselves, they will make a joke, they will minimize it or just not acknowledge it at all.
They will want to skip over it.
That’s not me.
I am comfortable sitting tough things. I can sit with others in their tough stuff and I can sit with my tough stuff. In fact, I believe it’s when most growth happens. It’s another way of staying open and present with what is. Not covering it up, not glossing over it but sitting in the discomfort so I can eventually move through it.
Happy Friday. I am ready and grateful for the weekend even though it’s expected to come with a lot more rain.
I got to connect with an old colleague today and I remembered again how easy it can be with people who know you and see you. And how comforting that can feel.
Establishing new relationships and trust takes time and energy. But it’s a worthwhile investment. So as long as all parties stay open and curious, it’s an investment I’m willing to make. Let’s see if they are.
I am tired today. There are a lot of reasons to close back up and retract into my shell. There are reasons to want to close down and protect myself.
And yet my goal is still to find ways to stay open. And also get curious. What’s triggering me? Why am I shutting down? What am I making it all mean? Does this really matter to me? And if so, why?
If I want to stay open, I have to lean into curiosity. I have to welcome the discomfort so I can sit with it and move through it.
It’s the only way out.
It’s time to journal, to meditate and sit with the discomfort. Let’s see where it takes me.
Open Book: I’ve journaled since I was 6 years old. It is still the best way for me to hear my thoughts and feelings, see myself and figure out next steps.
It helps me connect with myself, acknowledge my feelings and stay grounded in the present moment. I’ve been known to open my journal and write in the middle of a meeting in lieu of doing something I might regret.
I am so grateful for it.
Ps: this beautiful journal cover is from @cottonstitchca, it’s cork with shiny rainbow colors and it’s soft and really stunning in person. I don’t know her and this is not an ad, I just love it.
Open to showing up anyway: I woke up tired today and never really recovered all day. I spent the day reading on the couch. Read a whole book from start to finish and did nothing else.
When the end of the day was getting near, I said yes ok we can go climbing. I didn’t want to. I was sore. I was tired and I have work tomorrow.
But I’ve been focusing on doing things that I know I will be glad I did. I often ask myself what will I regret less? I never ever regret going climbing.
So off we went. Open to showing up even when I don’t feel like it.
Open Mind: I spent some of today reading Emma Grove’s graphic novel about being transgender and having dissociative identity disorder. I’m grateful to people who share their stories so the rest of us can learn and understand better.
My word for 2023 is open. There’s a long story behind it but the short version is that I want to remember to stay open and create the grounded spaciousness that allows for. The presence and peace it gives me is exactly what I would like to hold on to in 2023.
Open Air: I never regret spending time outside in nature. So despite the almost 3-hour round trip, we made our annual trip to Rodeo Beach today. We hiked, we listened to the waves, we basked in the sunshine.
