My sweet husband bought me these bath bombs back in September for my birthday, I thought it was time to put them to use.
I am usually the kind of person who does things from the inside out, as in I think about what I want, figure out how to make it happen, and then create structures and make plans and then I go do it. I don’t need external accountability or any other outside factor.
But, lately I feel tired and apathetic and I can’t even get myself to journal which is how I’d usually do the looking within to come up with the list of what I want.
Which is why I’ve been defaulting to the thing I love that is easy: reading. I am not mad at myself, I am also healing and doing 10-20 minutes of exercise daily, I am slowly working on my storytelling and of course I am working a lot.
But I still know that when I spend more time really connecting with what I want/love and then work towards doing it more, I am always happier. Always.
So I think, at this moment, I need some of that external accountability. Some outside in structures to help me get going enough to get past my inertia. For me, this will be a combination of some classes, picking a few people to help me feel accountable, and keeping track of how things are going. I will write some plans down tomorrow and then set a 10-day goal to just move forward and not question things. Non-negotiable. Then I can step back and evaluate.
Here’s to hoping it starts the positive cycle.
Yes to doing what it takes. Yes to finding what works. Yes to both accepting what is with grace and still knowing I can do more to create the life I want.
Family photo day today. We used to take photos every weekend for the last 8-9 years but have shifted to monthly photos in the last year. These photos are still some of my very favorite memories form all of our years. This particular tradition also helped me get over my ‘i don’t like to be in pictures’ thing. I want to make sure that when I am not around anymore, there are thousands of photos of me for my kids to share with their kids. For all the years before this tradition began, I had almost no photos of myself since I am the official family photographer.
Yes to finding creative ways to get around my hangups. Yes to doing it anyway. So much of life, for me, is being scared, being anxious, being uncomfortable and doing it anyway!
And here we are, it’s finally Friday. This week decidedly felt like seven weeks long so I am grateful that we’re starting a long weekend. I certainly need it.
Here are some things I’m saying yes to right now:
– Yes to slowing down to let my body heal – I have been on medication for over 15 days now and my sciatica is finally starting to dissipate. I resisted the medication and time away from exercise but I’m admitting that I needed it and should have done it much sooner. If exercise and health is a lifestyle and not a sprint, taking time to heal is necessary and not an inconvenience.
– Yes to friendship and connection. I am so grateful for the few deep friendships I have in my life and for making the time to connect. I am pretty introverted and pretty happy alone but these friendships have been meaningful and honest and kind and I am so grateful for them. Yes to making time for deep connection.
– Yes to being here for it all. There’s a lot going on right now. With the world, with America, with work, with school and with life. And I am here for it all. I am listening, learning, leaning in and taking it all one day at a time.
So here we are. Here’s to a weekend of rest and filling my cup back up. Next week promises to be a doozy too.
Because we were both planning to work late tonight, my sweet husband came home in the middle of the day. The original plan was for us to have lunch together but I decided what would help me the most was to take a walk during that time instead.
So we took an hour-long walk and chatted. It was a warm day here and the sun was shining and it was the very best way to spend an hour in the middle of my day.
Yes to connecting with people I love and yes to being outside more. Always yes to sunshine and walking.
Are we really only 13 days into this year? How is that even possible? All those posts from early last week where things were calm and quiet are moot now. This week has been hectic, intense and jam-packed.
I know that juggling home and work and pandemic and kids’ schedules is hard and it’s been for me, too. But I also have worked from home for ten years while my little one was 0-10 and had just barely transitioned to working from the office when covid shut our lives down.
One of the advantages of of all that time was spending not just quality but volume of time together with my kids and really connecting with who they are, their values, and the things that matter to them. As a result, I feel a deep connection with my kids and I really enjoy the privilege of getting to share so much of their lives. Of course I would prefer that they go to school and experience a more typical childhood, interacting with their cohort all day long, but if I have to be stuck at home with anyone, I am grateful to be stuck with my people.
Love them so much.
Yes to family and yes to being there for the struggles, for the minutia and for the laughter. Always for the laughter.
Today was insane. I had back to back meetings but I was especially amazed at how much context switching I had to do all day. At some point in my day, I stepped back and thought about how in the last few hours I talked about 9 different topics at work, talked to each kid about their day and classes, ordered groceries for pickup later this week, on and off worked on a presentation for tomorrow am, prepped for book club tonight, wrote a letter to the head of my kids’ school, and replied to a parent in my younger son’s class.
I find that the hardest part of my life right now is the sheer number of things I am switching between. And one of the things I need to spend some time on is making that list and being intentional about the role I want to play in each of those scenarios. I feel like a lot of what I do now is do whatever’s needed. As opposed to being super intentional about my priorities, how I can best grow and how I can best serve.
So this long weekend I plan to take a step back, make a list and take a good long look at how I can be intentional.
Today went by in a blur. Back to back meetings and no time to breathe in between. And now it’s 7pm and I am really tired and don’t feel like doing anything productive.
This is one reason I usually try to wake up early and pay myself first. Before the day has begun is the best time to do my personal work. Journaling, sketching, exercising.
The thing is, I’ve been having a lot of trouble waking up early in the morning lately. 8am is the earliest I can do, which is way too late to get anything productive done.
So my plan is to start going to bed earlier. Or force myself to wake up earlier for a few days so I can start getting tired earlier and reset my days.
I can’t tell if this need to hibernate in the mornings is a winter thing but I know that it makes me considerably more ineffective. And I also know that days I don’t pay myself down, I am definitely not the best version of myself. So here’s to hoping it works.
As we close out the first week of 2021 (can it really be that it’s just been one week??) I have been thinking about all the things that happened in this one week. The huge, terrible things and the small wonderful things.
I am trying to take a moment to celebrate the small wins. To celebrate the moments we found equilibrium, the moments we got to hear a yes when we expected a no, the moments we got to hug each other or laugh together.
Part of choosing yes this year was sitting with what is and not trying to resist it. And that takes so much practice. There is so much internalized and external noise in how things “should” be so when they aren’t that way, there is so much judgement. I am trying to cut through the noise and see if I can find my own internal truth. What matters most to me. I am trying to connect with my own values and choices. So I can let go of others’ shoulds and build a life that is meaningful to me.
Here’s to paying attention to the conversations in my head so I can discern the difference and let go of the noise that’s not mine to carry.
Yes to listening. Yes to living my own truth and my own life.
I seem to still be moving slowly and not feeling inspired to do much. Instead of panicking I am trying to choose to say yes to what is and be here for it.
I spent the day reading two books, roasting veggies, and finally taking a bath after ten years of not being able to. It was bliss to sit in the warm water and close my eyes and just be here.
In the last week, I’ve been paying attention to random anxious thoughts that pop up ( and there have been many ) and challenging myself to do real-time CBT on myself. Naming it out loud when I am catastrophizing, etc. I am also putting myself on the spot and asking what the worst possible outcome could be and what the best possible outcome could be and really calling myself out to be here and follow the strain of thought to its end.
It’s been helpful more often than not.
Yes to slowing down. Yes to grace. Yes to naming anxious thoughts and yes to being present to it. Yes to life.
I am still obsessively watching CNN and still full of rage and deep sorrow. And I decided that for today I will talk about something else because I can’t talk about what is going on without ranting.
A few years ago I decided to permanently stop dieting. I spent a too-large part of my life dieting and there’s incontrovertible proof that diets don’t work and they are harmful so a few years ago I decided to permanently stop trying to diet.
Walking into this year, one of the things I want to do better is the nutrition I get. I think sleep, exercise and nutrition is the trifecta that helps me feel better and live longer.
I don’t have too many bad habits but I do drink a lot of diet coke and eat chocolate too often. Instead of focusing on removing or reducing things which felt both hard and punishing at this moment, I decided to start by adding things.
I decided I wanted to add more veggies into my life. Just that for now. And I’ve gotten lost in the smoothie/protein shake world before so I am not doing that again.
Instead, I now blend half a bag of spinach, water+ice, and two oranges and one spoon of chia seeds. And then little boy and I split the drink each morning.
I can then eat whatever more breakfast I want. This is not a replacement breakfast. It’s just a guarantee that I get some greens first thing before my day gets too busy to eat well. And it tastes delicious!
Yes to adding more greens and yes to not punishing myself. Yes to being gentle with progress.
Honestly I am still watching CNN incessantly and not in a place where I can have optimistic thoughts. I don’t want to talk about anything. I had more meetings today so I muted the TV occasionally but it’s been playing in the background nonstop.
I am not sure what I am expecting by watching it nonstop. I know it just keeps my anxiety level high. And I have the luxury of turning it off. But I guess I am not ready to ignore things yet. I want to feel this. I think it’s important to sit with the discomfort of what’s going on.
So still saying yes to that.
Maybe it’s a mistake but it’s how I feel at the moment so I am honoring it.
I had such lovely plans to write about things this morning. I saw this magnificent sunrise this morning and I was going to write about habits and shifting them with the seasons. I was going to write about veggies and finding ways to add more of them to my diet. I half-wrote those posts in my mind this morning.
And then things went to shit.
I had CNN on, I was watching the counting of the electoral votes and listening to the Arizona objections when insanity started happening and I had to check and recheck that the news was still showing the US and not some other country.
I grew up in a third world country. I grew up looking up to America, aspiring to be an American. Trusting and respecting and striving for the ideals that America represented. And while I’ve learned a lot in the last twenty years that has disappointed me, I still would not want to live in any other country. I love this country. And today, I was completely heartbroken, deeply disappointed, and full of rage.
I can write pages and pages but here’s what I am feeling the most: I do not plan to move on and forget about what happened, I do not plan to numb it because it’s unpleasant. I do not take the privilege of being an American citizen for granted. I worked incredibly hard for over 10 years to earn this and I will not squander it for a moment.
So yes to feeling and seeing and owning what happened today and yes to showing up again and again to ensure it will never happen again.
