We had parent-teacher conferences this morning. My kids have been doing school from home since mid-march of 2020. They have been home almost an entire year. Neither kid has seen a friend in that time in person.
No one.
As they presented their projects and successes and growth areas from the first semester of sixth and tenth grades, I kept feeling deeply grateful for everything. Grateful that they are finding ways to thrive despite these circumstances. Grateful that they are still finding ways to connect with friends and foster new relationships. Grateful that they are so resilient.
And grateful that we’ve been able to both be there for each other and give each other the space we need. We’ve had tough moments for sure and may still have many more but on the whole, we’ve all been making it work.
This wouldn’t have been anyone’s first or second or third choice. But we are here, and we’re finding ways to lean in and make the most of it.
Yes to leaning in. Yes to seeing them and the ways in which they shine.
I am a goal-oriented forward-looking person, I set goals and then I look ahead and find ways to make them happen. I am also reflective so I do take time and step back and assess and adjust etc. I try to look within and check in with myself.
But here’s something I don’t do nearly enough: really take a step back, look at the past and at the journey I took to get to where I am and the distance I’ve traveled. So I can see the progress.
The other morning, I walked downstairs when it was still dark and big boy’s computer, that he built from parts, was glowing. A year ago, he would barely maybe have been able to tell you the name of all these parts, let alone build a functioning machine out of them and install arch linux. He has come such an incredible distance in this one year that it’s unbelievable. It gives me hope that such a profound amount of progress is possible in such a reasonably short time.
It also reminds me of the value of making progress visible. I often only focus ahead.
It’s like hiking up a mountain. It’s good to be focused on what’s ahead of me and getting to the summit. But at some point it’s also good to look behind me and see how far I already traveled, so I can celebrate the progress and use it as a way to build faith in myself that I have what it takes to get the rest done. And most importantly so I can make all the work up till now really visible for myself so I don’t just gloss over it.
It’s so easy to move forward, get the next achievement and immediately set your eyes on the next one. Or to dismiss the value of some serious result I worked hard for.
So, yes to pausing and looking back at the journey and really really seeing and celebrating the distance traveled.
The last time I rode the bike was December 28 before I talked to the doctor about my sciatica. It’s been a month and my pain is still here but finally dissipating enough that today I decided I wanted to get in the bike and see how it felt.
I took it very slowly and did a scenic ride so I wouldn’t feel any pressure. My leg is aching a bit now but no sharp pain yet.
It’s been a hard journey and I don’t plan to go right back to the tough rides, but I am excited to be able to finally ride again and trying to remind myself to take baby steps so I can continue to do this.
Yes to slow ramps. Yes to beginning again. Yes to staying healthy!
I know I seem to post a lot of flower photos. I am not really taking photos of anything lately except for the flowers all over my house so that’s all I have to share.
This morning I woke up at 5 am and couldn’t fall back asleep but I also refused to get out of bed, so instead, I lay there in the dark and listened to a talk with Byron Katie (at 2x speed of course because I can’t handle anything else at this point.) And it reminded me of how important it is for me to keep grounding myself in teachings like hers.
I signed up for a free conference early this month and I’ve been lucky enough to get to listen in on conversations with Kelly McGonigal, Sharon Salzberg, Jack Kornfield, and Byron Katie amongst others. It’s been such a gift to get to remember their teachings. Years ago, I used to listen to Tara Brach daily as I did art and I learned a tremendous amount from her and felt such a sense of calm and peace from the repeated practice. Even though I keep saying I need these repeatedly in my life, I rarely make room for it. Instead, I read books, I work, I don’t make room for re-learning.
After listening to Katie talk, I blissfully went back to sleep and slept until 8:30am. So grateful I chose to spend my morning this way.
Yes to slowing down. Yes to learning and re-learning.
I don’t like making mistakes. Especially when my mistake results in letting people down. I really have a hard time forgiving myself and for letting it go.
There was a communication mistake that I caught at work tonight and it resulted in a bunch of churn and frustration and now I am sitting here ready to jump out of my skin with frustration and disappointment.
The thing is, I’ve already learned the lesson I need to and I’ve taken the steps to ensure this particular issue doesn’t happen again. Which is really all I can do right now.
And if my kids came to me with all this, that’s exactly what I would tell them. That they did all they can do and now it’s time to give themselves some grace.
So here I sit trying to find a way to give myself grace. Trying to say yes to feeling this but also trying to stop myself from catastrophizing it so much and learning to be more generous with grace.
Yes to kindness to myself and others. It starts with me. I know it and yet it’s still hard.
After a three-month hiatus, I drew again today and it felt magical. Sometimes starting again is the hardest thing to do. But we start and stop and pause and rewind and fast forward all the time in life. It doesn’t mean anything unless we decide it does.
I’ve been anxious that I have had to take such a long break from riding the bike. I was in the middle of such a good momentum and now it’s been 25 days since I haven’t ridden and sometimes I worry I never will again.
But that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Just like how when you’re sick sometimes it feels like you’ll never be well again. But then you get better and forget all about that feeling.
Today I got to draw again and soon when my sciatica is more under control I’ll get to ride again.
Yes to beginning again and yes to knowing that no decision is permanent unless we say so. You get unlimited chances at life.
When I was in college, Jake and I spent a whole weekend watching Twin Peaks. We spent weekends playing Day of the Tentacle and Full Throttle. We would really get into things and they would momentarily take over our lives.
A few weeks ago, we watched the first episode of the Korean drama show “Start-Up” together and he decided he didn’t want to watch anymore. I took a break too but then last night I decided I wanted to give it another shot.
The show is in Korean so I can’t do my usual multitasking and have to pay attention the whole time. This is pretty much a deal breaker for me. But somehow I got into it so much that with the exception of virtual birthday party for a friend, I’ve watched the show nonstop. I am on episode 15 and each episode is.75-90 mins long. So it’s like I’ve watched 13 movies today.
At first I was annoyed with myself for wasting the day away but right now I am feeling the comfort of really diving deep into something and living in that alternate universe for a while. It feels lovely.
Made it to Friday. I started today with a great conversation with a colleague, and then had a fantastic training on compassion, and the rest of the day wasn’t as exciting but I ended the day with my little one’s sixth grade fall culmination.
Now I’m exhausted and ready to sleep. But I also feel full. No residual stress or anxiety or frustration at the moment and that’s a rare thing for me. I’m grateful. I’m paying attention.
Yes to to a weekend full of rest, art, books, and hugs.
One of the things I am most grateful for in this last year is that both of my kids found and really leaned into a new area of interest. My older one seriously got into computer science, especially low level programming and is slightly obsessed with emacs. While I love and adore and use emacs, I don’t know nearly as much as he does and I’ve never done assembly coding.
My little one is into hardware and is now taking a class that has him doing three small projects. As he was working on this week’s project, I was super excited to see how quicky he could move from the idea to execution phase and he prototyped the idea in less than an hour. Something I know nothing about and could never have done.
It is one of the greatest joys of my life to see my kids exceed my knowledge and expertise. I love watching them thrive. I love learning from them. I love seeing them become their own people.
And here we are. There are so many amazing things I can say about today but none, for me, will surpass the joy of seeing a woman be sworn in as a vice president of the United States. A woman of color. What a day this was.
If you didn’t listen to Amanda Gorman ( @amandascgorman ) and her incredible poem today, I can’t encourage you enough to go find it. I had back to back meetings today from 7am to 6pm but I still had CNN in the background the whole time and was able to hear Garth Brooks sing Amazing Grace and I cried.
I am grateful for this day and I am paying attention to the good. I will remember it. May it be the beginning of many more.
Yes to breaking barriers. Yes to hope once again. Yes to a new day!
There are so many things I am thinking about and want to talk about but my mind is all over the place and I have a review at work tomorrow, it’s inauguration day, and my sciatica is flaring ( possibly connected to the prior two points. )
So I will share something lighter instead. Earlier when I shared my awesome green smoothie ( which we are still drinking daily by the way! ) My friend @evelyn_skye shared with me several of her and her family’s tips. One of them was these quick and easy veggie wraps. I finally tried them this weekend and have already had three since then. I used what I have at hand which was black beans, corn, cheese, tomatoes, chicken and avocado. I had already eaten the ten zucchini I roasted but next time I’ll add those too.
I now have some amazing person helping me with my calendar at work which means I have 30 minutes set aside for lunch ( as opposed to 3 minutes in the past ) so that coupled with this super simple idea means I now get to have a lunch that includes more veggies and protein too. YES.
And just to call it out because my diet driven brain is definitely saying it: I know the tortilla and cheese aren’t “healthy” and I know corn is not the ‘best’ vegetable and avocado is fatty. Blah blah. But here’s the deal, before all this, I was eating crackers and goat cheese for lunch on a good day and cookies and chocolate on a less good day. And neither of those has half the nutrition this meal has. And the goal here is adding more nutrition, so it’s a win! ( I still eat cookies and chocolate too btw, the goal is to add more nutrition not to restrict anything. )
So here we are. One more simple win. If I can find 3-4 other lunch options and 3-4 dinner options, I am set for life, or at least for a few months!
Yes to better nutrition, yes to simple, fast, and delicious options. Yes yes yes.
Some days I find I have nothing to say when the evening comes and it’s time for me to post and then other days I have so much to say, I can’t pick which to focus on. Today was one of the latter.
I have been lucky enough to have an advanced reader’s copy of an upcoming book by @authorlisagenova titled “Remember” which is a nonfiction book about memory. This book is incredibly readable and absolutely fascinating and practically helpful in a million ways. But here’s the part that stopped me today:
“Because we remember what we pay attention to, we might want to be mindful about what we focus on. Optimists pay attention to positive experiences, and so these events are consolidated into memory. If you’re depressed, you’re less likely to consolidate happy events or pleasant experiences into memory because happiness doesn’t jibe with your mood. You don’t even notice the sunnier moments when you’re only focusing on the dark clouds. You find what you look for. If you look for magic every day, if you pay attention to the moments of joy and awe, you can then capture these moments and consolidate them into memory. Over time, your life’s narrative will be populated with memories that make you smile.”
This is exactly why I pick a word of the year because it helps me remember what to pay attention to and why I picked YES this year so I can pay attention to the good stuff more and so I can create my life’s narrative to be positive. I firmly believe this is a tangible way I can absolutely train myself and my brain to be more optimistic.
So here’s to saying yes to paying attention to the GOOD stuff because every single day has good stuff and because you remember what you pay attention to!
There are so many other gems in the book and I can talk about it for days. It comes out in March and it’s highly recommended.
