We have been living in this house all day, every day for the last 15 months.
The house is a mess.
Every corner I look at needs something from me. The carpets are stained, the kitchen counters are dirty, the entryway is taken over by my older son, the garage is basically storage, and the kids’ bedrooms… I try to mostly stay away.
There is so much to do and I am just reminding myself that most of it can wait. All of it is fixable. And it will all get fixed in time.
For now, we are just making it through this, together.
I woke up exhausted this morning after a double climbing session last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep so I was really tired and my muscles were very sore.
I didn’t want to get out of bed and didn’t really think I could exercise today. I felt like I had spent everything I had.
Here’s the thing: I absolutely hadn’t.
Not only did I get up and ride the bike for my usual daily 15 minutes, do my core and my arms but I also went climbing again later in the day.
I told myself I would just take it easy and do all the routes that I knew I could. But once we got there that’s not what I ended up doing.
I tried whatever looked fun and ended up climbing several routes that were pretty hard for me. Then about 2 hours in, once I really did feel exhausted, I decided that was enough.
This was my third day of climbing in a row.
It was a good reminder that even when I think I don’t have anything left, I have plenty left.
Bring on the books, climbing, resting and more resting.
I am working hard to learn how to ease off on the pressure I put on myself. So when there’s a weekend and I have personal tasks to do, I don’t have to fill the weekend with them.
I was looking over my list I made in January for the year of Yes.
I am already doing most of what’s on my list. I think besides travel and connection, the biggest item I am not doing is learning. I was hoping to take some new classes and try new things.
I am taking an illustration class for this month but I would in general like to do more classes. Maybe it something I can do alongside little boy this summer.
I feel mentally and physically exhausted most evenings but I think I could still do this and that it would give me more joy than watching random tv shows.
In the middle of two simultaneous meetings this morning, I decided it was wise to pick up a phone call from my mom.
My mom who was calling to celebrate our wedding anniversary which we had completely forgotten about.
Within ten minutes, we had canceled my husband’s plans to go climbing with friends and booked a table at our favorite restaurant.
Which meant that for the first time in over a year, we got all dressed up and went out to a fancy restaurant and had a delicious dinner and wonderful conversation.
19 years of marriage. 26 years of being together and this man is still my sunshine. He sees me and loves me and is my best friend. We have spent more than half our lives together.
I am so grateful for the gift of getting to do life with him.
Thank you for reminding us, mom, we had a magical night thanks to you.
I was thinking today that after the year and a half we had, I am not actually ready to go back to “normal” life even as more activities are becoming possible.
I feel like when covid hit last year and all our lives changed, I went into “buckle down and get through it” mode. I did what needed to be done and made it through each day the best I could.
That didn’t come for free.
I’ve been accumulating stress and grief and loss and exhaustion for 15 months now.
And while I’m very very grateful to be able to possibly go back to normal again, I am so not ready for anything. I am not ready to commute, to take the kids to the bus, to navigate school meetings in person. I am not ready to act like all this was nothing. I am not ready to move to the next phase.
I need some serious down time. Some time where I am not worried about navigating covid life and still not just yet at the next phase.
Not sure how this will happen but I am feeling the need pretty acutely today.
I have to figure out how I can get some of the rest and recovery I so desperately need. This is not something a long weekend will cure.
Yes to acknowledging what is. Yes to moving through it and figuring it out.
PS: I also know that I am very lucky to even be thinking about life after covid when many others don’t have that luxury.
It’s birthday season over here. Today is my nephews’ 22nd birthday. Yet another reminder of the passage of time and how lucky I am to get to see them grow into loving, kind and capable human beings. What a joy!
Sunday nights are usually not my favorite. But lately I am finding myself grounded and calm. This is likely the best gift the universe can give me.
Even though my 100 days of radical wellness has been over for a while, I’m still eating the greens and protein. I am drinking more water. I am exercising and doing art and journaling. And the restorative yoga continues to change my life.
I expect the next few months will bring a lot of change and uncertainty. Work, school, and reentry into life are all going to be transitions and I am usually not a fan of transition.
I plan to hang on to all this wellness I am grounded in and say yes to receiving it all with grace and an adventurous spirit.
Yes to what comes and yes to adventure. And yes to the guidance of calm.
Today I got to: exercise in the morning including cardio, core and meditation. Then I got to chat with a good friend which most definitely was the highlight of my day.
I worked for a few hours and then I went climbing with my husband. Came home and had a bunch more meetings for work. Then spent an hour discussing 11th grade course selection options with my son. And now I have to do some more work.
My day was all over the place but it was full. Life and work and family and personal are all mixed up at the moment and yet I am still trying to make sure there’s time and room for each.
As I get older and older, I am learning to let go of the idea that there’s a way “things are done” and embracing the fact that I get to do things my way.
I have to do some uncomfortable things in the next few months and I’ve been stalling and hemming and hawing instead of doing them.
And each time I postpone something that I know has to get done, it looms over me and I start worrying about it constantly. Sometimes the trick is to just do it. Like booking my stupid DMV appointment.
But other times, the trick is to find a way to move through it that feels doable for me. Maybe I am not ready for a conversation and can send an email instead. Maybe I send just one single email. Whatever it might be, doing in on my own terms brings the autonomy and control back to my own hands. I am not a victim of circumstance. I get to choose how this goes. And if I can’t do it the way others would, that’s ok too. I get to do it the way *I* would.
Today was Google I/O which meant I went to work again in person. It has been good and tiring to be at work. A lot of wonderful reminders of what was lovely about being at work and seeing people in person, even if behind a mask.
Also reminders of commuting, a lot of socializing, and just using so much energy. I had forgotten that feeling of walking in after being gone and feeling that overwhelming tiredness.
I am still feeling a lot of feelings about all the changes and find myself internally triggered many many times a day and then stepping back to tell myself it’s going to be okay and to take one step at a time and try to do the next right thing as Glennon often says. Just the fact that I am able to step outside of my experience while I’m having the experience is a huge success for me. So I am taking the wins where I can get them.
