This morning I did not want to ride the bike. I was tired and sleepy and had a lot of work and just wasn’t in the mood.
Instead of not doing it, I told myself it was ok to get on and do it poorly. Do it slowly. Just do it any which way.
It’s so easy to have black or white thinking. Do or don’t do some exercise is better than no exercise. Some good nutrition is better than none. Some art, some writing, some work, some connection. All of these are better than none.
I got on the bike and I did it. I didn’t do as well as I usually do and I didn’t get to do the rest of my exercise because I ran out of time. But I did go climbing.
Most of life is in the gray. I’m reminding myself to show up. Even when I don’t want to. Even if it’s half-ass.
This past weekend was my 15-year anniversary at Google.
15 years is a long time for a job. It’s a long time to live in the same city. It’s a long time for a relationship. It’s a long time.
When I started working there I had a 1.5 year old boy and now I have a 16.5 year old and a 12.5 year old.
Over the last 15 years I’ve worked on a bunch of different products in a bunch of different roles. My favorite part has consistently been the people through and through. Some of the best people I’ve ever met have been my workmates. Kind, smart, generous.
My manager sent me these flowers today to say congratulations. It was really thoughtful and a lovely, unexpected surprise.
I remember I was very sure in 2009 that I would not return from my maternity leave. Here we are, 13 years later…
We had a piece of our fence come undone earlier last month. A handyman came to look and said he can’t really do anything until we removed all the ivy clinging to it. So we called the tree trimmers, got our tree and the fence trimmed then today another handyman came to look at it and said he couldn’t fix it because one of the posts is complete rotten and it’s a big job and I need to call fence people.
Since the pandemic started, I’ve had so much of this. Dishwasher breaking, tree dying, fridge dying, house needing to be painted, on and on.
Every one of these things makes me want to curl up and cry. I hate the minutia of life and having to take care of it all.
I was complaining to my mom a few months ago about how it feels like it never ends and if it’s not one thing, it’s another. And she said that this is life. For as long as we’re alive, there will be things that need tending to and to be grateful because it’s a sign that I’m alive.
So today, after I got bummed about needing to now track down some fence people, I reminded myself to be grateful that I have a fence to begin with and that I have the means to fix it and that I get to be alive today to take care of this next chore.
I usually tend to live a relatively regimented life. I have daily routines and, for me, doing something every day is always the way to go. I am more likely to ride the bike 20 minutes a day every day than to do it for 45 minutes three times a week. When I do something every day it leaves no room for postponement. Every day means today is the day I do it because every day is the day I do it.
Simple.
And also sometimes a bit hard. Regimented. No wiggle room.
Sometimes I can find that I am feeling constricted by my own rules.
So this morning I woke up and decided it would be a holiday day. I acted like I was away on holiday and gave myself the day off.
Over ten years ago, I wrote an article for an online photography site. It was about how I take all the pictures in my family so I am never in any of them and that if something were to happen to me, my kids would not have photos to remember me by.
That day I vowed to get in the picture more and started our family photo tradition. Ten years and more and we are still at it. My favorite tradition.
There are so many moments in every single day and I experience so much. Anxiety, stress, exhaustion, elation, joy, celebration, pride, sorrow, frustration, love and more. I find that there days where I have small moments of each of these.
I have long been a fan of Tara Brach and have read all her books and listened to many many of her class recordings from years ago.
Last week, I discovered a “new to me” book called “Trusting the Gold” which has some of her practices and each of them were profound and helpful to me.
In one chapter she talks about Zen master Sono who was known to lead people to enlightenment by using the affirmation “thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”
I loved this so much that I added a daily reminder to my calendar at 2pm with the exact phrase. And every day since when it pops up, I smile and say it out loud to myself.
It’s been an excellent way to ground myself and remind myself of the way I want to be in the world.
I miss the sand under my toes and the ocean washing over me.
Last day of vacation today. Let’s see if I can carry over this zen feeling into work. At least this is no meeting week so I expect things to be quiet and that will help.
I feel very quiet right now in my head and I am really thankful for it. I feel grateful and present and slow in a good way. I tend to rush through things and try to do as much as possible in my day. I tend to stress about things going differently than planned. I worry all the time about small annoyances of daily life. About having to return packages, making appointments, etc.
Right now, I am not worried about anything. Just being here, now, I am enjoying being in the backyard with the sun in my face and the blankets on my lap as I breathe the fresh air.
And I know there’s a strong chance tomorrow I will be hectic again, frustrated with the small things, annoyed with myself for trying to please people, and disappointed in myself for letting people down. I will be stressed and overwhelmed.
So I want to remember this moment here, now. This serenity is rare for me and I know that documenting it will help me pause and remember.
I have been off work for a week and three days. I have one more day off tomorrow and then I’ll be back to meetings and emails and more.
In the meantime, I’ve managed to really wind down and have been doing a lot of mindless art while I listen to books. I’ve also been reading and exercising.
And that’s it.
It’s been really nice to slow all the way down and to empty my mind. I don’t know how quicky things will fill up again once Wednesday comes and in the meantime I am just enjoying being here now.
Today was the last day of summer. Tomorrow we wake up at 6 and get a new school year started. 7th and 11th grades. Yet another reminder of how quickly time passes.
Here’s to an excellent school year, full of friendship and joy and learning and curiosity. Here’s to not getting sick and not having to be remote. Here’s to classes that are interesting and teachers who are one of a kind.
I love that my kids go to a school they love, have friends they enjoy and teachers who love teaching.
