America is my chosen county. I wasn’t born here and I worked very hard to move here, make a life for myself, and to become a citizen.
It’s not a privilege I take for granted.
Almost 18 years ago, we left New York City to start the next phase of our lives and to start a family We chose to live in California. We were intentional. California is now the place I’ve lived the longest in. It’s my home.
I love living in California.
I’ve been to the southern tip, right by Mexico and I drove through the northern tip with all the magnificent Sequoia trees along the way. It’s an incredible state, full of incredible people and incredible nature.
Part of being a citizen of here, for me, is voting. Having my voice heard for how I want things to work in my home state. I am very grateful to get to vote. And to get to have my vote count.
Today we had the last of the whirlwind September days. It was my day to celebrate with my hubby while the kids were at school.
We voted and then drove to the city to go to the ferry building where I love drinking coffee and watching the water and the birds. Then we went to a cafe I love in Cole Valley.
It was very ordinary and yet magical to get to take a day off work and give that time to each other again. Between work and kids, it’s not often we can easily find uninterrupted time for just the two of us.
My husband and I have been together for 27 years. I love him so much and I’m very grateful that we still find each other interesting.
Today is my birthday. I am so grateful for another year around the sun. Each year I get is bonus and filled with so much joy and so many stories.
I had a very hard time thinking about any presents or special things to do today. The fact is, I have all I need and I am so content and grateful for my life right now. I have a few really good friends, a beautiful family I adore, a home I love, a job that is filled with interesting, kind and smart people.
I have hobbies I enjoy like reading, journaling, and many different kinds of art. I am active and spend time both on the bike and climbing in the gym. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my life and appreciating it.
Sure, there are things I would like to learn and do and be. There are times I feel worried and sad and anxious. There are days I feel tried and bored and frustrated with parts of my life.
But, on the whole, as someone who had big dreams for her life, I see that so much of what I wished for is here in my life and I don’t want to take that for granted. Not for a moment.
As I’ve been practicing saying daily lately, “thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.”
20 years ago, today, my husband and I were living in NYC. We were still just dating then. I was working on Wall Street but only three days a week, Wednesday through Friday. On Mondays, I volunteered at a nonprofit by working at their bookstore or thrift store and on Tuesdays I’d volunteer at the New York Society for the Deaf. My husband had just left his job at a different Wall Street firm and was thinking about what he wanted to do next.
So, on this Monday morning, we were both at home, with the TV turned to Good Morning America, as we both worked on our computers. Back then, I had the TV on all the time for background noise.
We saw the first plane hit the first tower and listened to the hosts trying to figure out if it was a mistake. Both of us were incredibly lucky and managed to connect with our parents to let them know we were home and safe. Minutes later, the second plane hit and all the lines went dead.
The hours that followed were ones I will never forget. The smoke I could see from my window, the friend who had run out of the building just before it collapsed and had to take shelter in our home because he couldn’t return to Brooklyn, the people my husband had worked with who were in the buildings and never even had a chance, the restaurant we’d had our most recent holiday party at, now gone.
The days that followed felt surreal, so many threats and nonstop CNN to wrap our heads around the devastation. I still remember those days so acutely.
Twenty years have passed in the blink of an eye. I mourn the losses from that terrible day and all the losses accrued as a result in the last twenty years. I know that being alive here and now was a lot of luck on both of our parts and I am so grateful for it.
I’ve been making a concerted effort lately to remember the bigger picture and the wider story.
Every moment of every day is just a sliver in the story of my life and a speck of dust in the universe. It helps me to remember this because it reminds me that this is not the whole story. And that this moment isn’t that big a deal in the greater scheme.
That helps me breathe in and enjoy this moment when it’s good, and breathe in and remember that it will pass when it’s not that good.
I have a lot of pain today. I woke up at 3am with pain and it just didn’t go away all day.
So I rested this morning instead of exercising. And I am resting now.
I expect it will go away tomorrow and if it doesn’t I will rest some more. I am learning that part of exercising a lot and pushing myself is learning when to rest and having faith that it’s ok to rest a bit and it doesn’t mean I’ve quit.
Today had promised to be challenging with 5 different back to back activities in the evening and while I was excited about many of those, I was less excited about having them all back to back in one night.
I had no idea the morning would be challenging too.
I am just glad this day is over and that it ended well.
So for today I will be grateful I made it through and call it good.
Today is my sweet, wonderful husband’s birthday. How lucky are we to get to have another turn around the sun, especially during times like these.
We celebrated with small presents, some nerdy awesome home-made gifts by the kids (a kernel extension that creates ASCII cake and a game that guides you through a confetti filled room.) and a lovely, fancy brunch.
Here’s us on the way home from brunch. I am so grateful for my family. I am so grateful for this man who has spent the last 27 years with me. He sees me, he loves me, he fills my life with light.
I can’t remember where she said this but I once heard Brené Brown talk about how from the moment our feet touch the floor in the morning, we already feel “behind.” And I remember how strongly that resonated with me.
I have lists of things to do all week and all weekend. Even my fun time is a to-do list item. I plan to read this many books or do this many drawings during the weekend and if someone or something gets in the way I get demonstrably agitated.
I have no patience or space for the other person. Because they are basically in the way of my ability to check off items on my list.
Yes I know this is crazy.
And it’s partly how I make time to do things I love to do. So I don’t want to get rid of it completely.
I do want to release some of the unnecessary stress. I do want to create space for the unexpected or the spontaneous. I want to have room for both.
So I’ve been working on that a lot recently.
Like most things, for me, it starts with a change in mentality.
Little boy and I have been playing a new super-fun video game called “baba is you” it’s the kind of game that was designed for someone like me. It is like a logic puzzle and creative thinking rolled up in one.
I don’t usually take time to play games with kids so it’s extra fun to get to share this with him.
