Some things continue to be challenging here. I have now shifted my exercise to early in the morning but that means on days when I’m having a tight schedule everything else falls by the wayside. So no journaling and no art.
I’m not entirely sure how to fix this without waking up earlier which I don’t want to do since that compromises on sleep so that’s what I have to think about a little bit today.
I’m still really enjoying this project and making it visible for myself the progress that I’m making towards wellness so it’s making me very happy.
Making the invisible visible is always a good thing.
I have a sign on my desk that says “We can do hard things.” It’s from Glennon Doyle and I love looking at it every day.
Over the years I’ve learned that different things are hard for different people. And that sometimes big things are really easy for me and small things are really hard.
Today I did a bunch of those small things. Getting paperwork ready for a passport renewal, sending off tuition payments, and other paperwork. Calling to cancel things or to change service. Booking a small getaway. The small daily tasks are overwhelming and hard for me.
I find myself postponing them again and again and feeling the dread of them permanently sitting in my to-do list. So today I booked some time on my calendar and gone it all done in one shot. And now I feel that overwhelming relief of getting to cross off those things from my list.
I remember my sixteenth birthday. I even remember what I wore for my sweet sixteen party.
He was the only one of us who hadn’t had a pandemic birthday and now he gets to have that honor, too.
I am so incredibly proud of this boy and the person he’s becoming. He’s always had an unwavering sense of self and still does now. We are just lucky to get to do life with him.
Happy birthday sweet boy! We love you so incredibly much.
Weekly Intention: My weekly intention this week is to take more time doing things for myself. And to pay attention to my thoughts.
This month’s intention is:February: Yes to the Unknown: Be open to new things this month. Listen more, watch others. Be willing to take some steps into the unknown and assume the best. Be brave. I think I need to think more about what this means for me.
One way I will leap this week: The 100-days of radical wellness is going to continue to be a leap again so I am going to keep focusing on that for a while.
One boundary I will set this week: I am going to protect my mornings more and more, it really changes the way my day feels when I do that.
One area where I will go deeper this week: i have begun journaling but i think it will help me to go deeper there.
What do I need to sit with this week? i didn’t do this: the stories I am telling myself. I want to write them down.
I am looking forward to: big boy’s birthday
Focus onCore Desired Feelings (lighter, kinder, enough, magic, wild): this week i am really going to focus on trying to feel lighter. I need it.
This week’s challenges: i am going to see if i can make this week a less challenging week!
Top Goals:
Work: talk to D, help close NBU, write up L convo, make a plan for L/D.
Personal: continue to tinker with and edit plan
Family: take walks with J. celebrate D. do one thing with N and do one thing with D.
This week, I want to remember: life passes in the blink of an eye.
I can’t help myself, I love Kristin Cashore. I especially love her Graceling series so there was no way I wasn’t reading this even though it’s been a long, long time and I can barely remember the characters. In the end, it didn’t matter too much for me. I love Cashore’s writing, I love her complex characters, I love the worlds she creates and I love her strong, strong female characters. I will read whatever she writes.
What an absolute joy it was to read this book. It definitely had a similar feel to Knives Out and also to Westing Game. I really enjoyed all the puzzles and the main character and all the brothers and the sister. If you’re in a reading slump and you like puzzles, you will enjoy this book. It’s fast-paced and a lot of fun! Can’t wait for the sequel!
I have so many thoughts about this book. Reading it was such an experience for me. The book started out as one thing and then shifted at least two different times so that by the end I wasn’t even sure what I’d read. And while I rolled my eyes in places, and lost focus in others, I think this is a very interesting book. I am still not entirely sure what I thought of it, tbh.
This was my least favorite of the Wayward Children series. While it still had components I loved, I just didn’t connect to the story as much, the world didn’t seem as magical and visual as it usually does and the characters felt like they had less depth than usual. It absolutely wasn’t bad, just not as magical as the others have been for me.
I walked over to the coffeeshop today just to encourage myself to do a long walk. When I got there I decided to get a coffee and a baked good.
The two options were either a brownie or a lemon cookie. I asked the barista which one she would recommend and she said she’s not a big chocolate person. I told her I was and she said well then she would definitely recommend the brownie.
As she handed it to me she said something along the lines of it being a treat that I deserved or maybe she said indulgence I can’t remember. But I do remember that I thought words matter and how we use our words also matter.
Calling the brownie an indulgence immediately made me think “do I deserve it?” I could tell there was a tape in my head that said well you ate all those vegetables earlier today so it must be okay. And then another voice saying you’re never going to be thin if you keep eating brownies. And yet another one saying you’re already almost 50 when do you stop worrying about these things. All these voices inside my head just from a single word.
I have been trying really hard to unlearn all of the tapes in my head about what’s a good food and what’s a bad food. I’ve been trying to pay attention to what I’m craving and just eating only the amount that I actually want. I’ve been paying attention to the words I use and the words others use.
It is so hard to unlearn things especially when they’re all around you all the time. And I felt really proud today for being able to catch all those conversations in my head and for being able to order the brownie anyway and eat only as much as I wanted and then put the rest away. And most importantly for not feeling guilty or ashamed or even daring.
It’s going to be a long journey for me to normalize all the foods and maybe it may never happen but this is also part of the wellness journey for me. Paying attention, noticing, being intentional. And as always giving myself grace again and again and again.
The Best Part of this Week: The best part of this week was playing card games with little boy, we laughed so hard.
I celebrate: we had a get together with some of my coworkers from my first project at google, almost fifteen years ago. it was lovely to see them.
I am grateful for: the kindness of friends in what was a really tough week.
This week, I exercised: I did so much exercise this week! 50 mins of core exercises, 50 mins of arms exercises, 40 mins of other strength classes, 60 minutes on the bike, 40 minutes of yoga, 40 minutes of stretching, and 3 hours of walking.
This week, I said yes to: opera while i journaled and meditation in bed!
I said no to: a lot of things while I was going through a rough period at work.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): my 100 days of radical wellness plan is still helping here.
Top Goals Review:
Work: talked to L, sort of helped kickstart NBU, make a plan for L/D.
Personal: definitely continuing to tinker with and edit plan
Family: took a walk with J. did one thing with N and did not do one thing with D.
My mood this week was: stressed and then miserable and then peaceful.
I am proud of: communicating my needs.
I release: all the pain from this week. it was a painful week.
Here’s what I learned this week: that it’s ok to take what i need.
It’s amazing how much life can seem like it will never change and yet so much changes all the time.
Today, I was reading some of the journaling I did when I taught fifth grade in the Bronx back in 2002/3. At the time I was really struggling and it felt like life would never stop being miserable.
Similarly, when the big boy was born, he wouldn’t sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Month after month, we got delirious with lack of sleep. It felt like it would never end.
I can remember so many of these instances. And yet they each ended. Every single one of them.
This pandemic will end, too. We will get to the other side of this, we will resume life and create a new normal, we will grow and change and adapt to a new life and this will feel like all the other things we’ve endured. A painful but distant memory.
Because change is the only constant in our lives.
Yes to being here now and yes to knowing that this phase of life is transient. Here’s to hoping we make it through as safely as possible.
