The Best Part of this Week: Hmm this was a tough week for me. We’ll have to go with the best part being that I was productive.
I celebrate: the taxes being done.
I am grateful for: some solid reading time this weekend.
This week, I exercised: I’m now climbing 3 times a week, riding twice a week, doing 10 mins of core and 10 mins of arms 4 days a week. I also do yoga and stretching.
This week, I said yes to: finishing several things that were on my todo list.
I said no to: working over the weekend.
I honored my values (love, learn, peace, service, gratitude): i have not been feeling wonderful and I am trying to sit with the why so I can slowly shift my mentality.
Top Goals Review:
Work: did not write up the 3 for L and 3 for D, did not email advocates, did sort of figure out more steps for analyst+pgm. met with Brit. Finished perf (almost).
Personal: did not get back to drawing and journaling. i think i maybe found a book to journal with.
Family: took walks with J. did not really do one thing with either kid. did celebrate N.
My mood this week was: I felt really sad and down all week. Depleted, overwhelmed and like walking through mud.
I am proud of: doing things anyway.
I release: i would like to release all the grief i am giving my own self but i am not sure how to do it.
Here’s what I learned this week: being inside a negative cycle sucks.
I took a long walk this morning to get the ranunculus from the farmer’s market. When I got back home, I was quite sore and didn’t feel like doing anything else for the day.
Even though I read a book I loved, I was secretly still giving myself grief for not riding the bike or doing other productive things. And this doing thing x but giving myself nonstop grief for not doing y, thing is super annoying.
Because it means I am not getting to enjoy the thing I am doing and I am not doing this other supposedly better thing. So there’s no winning.
I have no idea what the way out of this is. Well I know one way is to just do the other thing and be done but what I don’t know how to do is to truly give myself grace and let myself enjoy doing thing x without any of the guilt.
Alas today I did read the book despite feeling crappy about it, and then I also ended up riding the bike after all. Just wish I hadn’t chastised myself all day secretly while I was resting first.
Yes to being aware of negative voices and cycles. Yes to doing things anyway.
I’m finding that there are some things I can do in moderation in my life and then other things where it’s just too much of a slippery slope.
16 years ago when I wanted to get pregnant, I quit diet coke and was off of it for over a decade. A few years ago, when I was at work one day, I had one thinking meh it won’t matter.
Next thing, I was having one at work daily.
And then I told myself that I can have more but only when I am at work.
And then I would bring home 1-2 cans from work but since I wasn’t buying them I could say it was still leftover from ‘work’
And then, of course, I started buying them.
And now I drink 2-3 cans a day. Some days more.
It went from one time to buying cases in less than six months. This is one reason I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I’m not sure I could do it in moderation.
So today I spent some time thinking about other things I need to just stop doing. Even if they taste good, feel good or whatever. There are a lot of ways to experience joy in life.
A lot.
I don’t have to receive it from something that also causes harm. So I will have to start making a list and eliminate things that cause more harm than good.
Yes to taking better care of myself. Yes to owning my own truth.
So grateful to have made it to this Friday. I worked a lot today but also got some meaningful work done. Not as much as I wanted (never as much as I want) but made progress.
Now I want to mark an official boundary to pause work and start personal time. It’s been even easier than usual for work to bleed into personal time as the covid life extends out to be forever.
At first it was emergency sprint mode, then it was finding some new adjustments and now it’s about finding a normal for at least six more months. We have no clear path to vaccination soon in CA and I have a kid under 12 so he has no vaccination plan at all yet. School is about to be over in 6-7 weeks and my office doesn’t open until at least September.
All this means at least six more months of some sort of weird covid life here. Which means that I have to draw some boundaries or by the time life opens up, I will be so burned out that it will not be easy to recover.
So now starts my weekend. Rest, relax, rebuild.
Yes to me time. Yes to boundaries.
(Photo is remnants of big boy’s photography homework)
I am grateful we made it Thursday. Even though I have a lot to do tomorrow, I have only two meetings and I am hoping I’ll be able to pace myself well.
We’ll see.
This was a long week and I can’t really even put my finger on why. I have felt depleted all week.
Feeling depleted starts this negative cycle because then I am too tired to eat well or make good choices. Sometimes unintuitively I even go to bed late during a week where I feel depleted. So I just keep making one poor choice after another.
So I am trying to put some checks in place to help. Midmorning healthy snack, middle of the day visits to climbing gym, breaks to walk outside, connecting with friends in the afternoon and closing computer when work is done.
Some help, some help less.
Realistically I need several days off so I can rest and rejuvenate.
Day two of cold showers was decidedly harder! But did it. I will say that 30 days in I am in a more mediocre place but still making progress and that’s what this is all about. Here’s to showing up every day!!
I was talking a colleague today about being reactive vs proactive. I tend to be proactive and organized and intentional about my life.
And that’s at the crux of the word ‘yes’ for me. Diving in, choosing to take this head on, designing the life I want.
Being proactive is awesome when you know what you want.
Then there are times or areas when I don’t. Where I am a bit lost or don’t have super strong opinions. And saying yes is also about receiving things. Taking what comes and reacting with openness and possibility instead of judgement and fear.
The unexpected always surprises you. And what you do with that surprise is totally up to you, too. So much of life is about how we receive it.
I want to get much better at receiving it with grace and enthusiasm.
Yes to receiving it with possibility, optimism and unbridled joy.
I had my first cold shower this morning and it was cold cold cold!!
I did it post-exercise this morning so I imagine tomorrow will feel even more painful. Let’s see!
In the wellbeing journey I feel exercise, food, meditation and skincare seem to be going reasonably well. I have more room to grow on drinking water and cold showers so let’s see how this goes!
I’ve been quite cranky for the last two days at work. I am not even sure why but I’ve been moody and everything is getting on my nerves.
I’ve experimented with several things: sitting outside, hosting talks, connecting with people I love, sleeping in, getting up early and exercising and a few other things.
They all worked for a while. But didn’t last or shift my perspective.
So finally we went to the gym today and I saw how they were setting new routes and I started climbing. Climbing is one of the very few things that completely gets me out of my head.
It’s just hard enough for me to climb a complicated wall that I have to be absolutely present. I can only hang on for dear life and figure out my next move. I have no room to think of anything and that’s my favorite thing about it.
Now I’m sitting at home and feeling centered and calmer (and more sore!) Here’s hoping this sticks and I can be less grumpy tomorrow.
Yes to getting out of your head. Yes to finding something that really helps me be present. Yes to climbing!
