Little boy and I ventured out into the world today. Just for 30 minutes, we drove to a small coffeeshop/bakery and had a croissant and coffee and dessert.
And it was magical.
I did a lot and nothing today and now I sit here, wiped, and look back upon my day and wonder where it all went.
This is part of the year of yes for me. Yes to having unexpected days. Yes to socializing so much in one day that the introverted side of me feels completely depleted. Yes to helping my husband for a long time. Yes to taking little boy out into the world for the first time in months and months. Yes to being there for others.
It’s ok if today wasn’t planned. Yes to what is.
I want to be able to sit here with what is and be not just but grateful for it all. For how full life is. Books will be here forever. But people won’t. So here’s to celebrating the people today.
Yes to connection. Yes to social time. Yes to unexpected days.
There is so much going on lately. I feel like I am carrying a million feelings simultaneously:
Anxiety for some changes I know are coming but don’t know what or how. I worry in the face of the unknown.
Grief for people I love who are suffering or struggling.
Joy for my oldest who accepted a summer job that he’s excited about.
Overwhelm with all I have to do but can’t muster the motivation for.
Disappointment for not being able to shed some bad habits I am so ready to be rid of.
Pride for my progress at the climbing gym and at my decent run at an 11a today.
Sorrow for reasons I can’t pinpoint but is here anyway.
Anticipation around vaccination and when it might ever be our turn and what it might mean.
Anger and despair for all the racism and hate that seems to be exploding exponentially.
Overwhelm and worry about the wellbeing of my kids. My husband.
Yearning to see my parents and family again in person. To hug my friends.
Fatigue due to a combination of emotional, physical, and mental overflow.
And overwhelming gratitude for the very large collection of privilege and luck I have.
All of this lives inside of me at every moment of every day. Different ones pop up at different times but it’s all jumbled in there and I am making space to acknowledge and sit with all of it.
Yes to living the width and the length of my life.
Sometimes it’s about big steps and sometimes it’s about little ones. Today I received a fun new way to pause and care for my nails. Let’s see how it goes.
Small steps and big steps. I welcome it all on the journey to radical wellness.
One of the side effects of covid has been living life in suspension. I feel like just moving through life’s regular motions has felt a monumental effort to me.
In the last year I’ve had to remove a d buy a new tree, get a new fridge, and install a new water heater. All of these are painful and hard for me and part of life. And they were exceptionally complex with covid layered in.
So was basic life like taxes and school forms and work decisions. Some days just making through the day feels like a major achievement.
All of this means there’s little room to think about goals, ambitions, life choices.
I feel like what I’d like the most is for everything not press pause for a while until we’re in the “after” and can have breathing room and can store some energy to live life again.
But then I also think about how life is passing in the meantime and how I have a lot of little choice points every day. I might not have the bandwidth to think about major life decisions but I still can think about how to spend this day. How much attention to give to my kids or to exercise or to connecting with friends. I can still make changes to make my life align with my values.
In the end, lots of little changes might end up being just as effective as a big one. What is life if not a collection of moments.
Yes to making small choices. Yes to doing the best I can. Yes to giving myself grace.
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am lately. What I like to do, wear, eat and the people I like to be around.
I’ve been trying to understand how many of my choices are based on the conditioning or expectations I grew up with vs a genuine self exploration. How much of what I wear is what I was told was appropriate? How much of what I do was what I thought I should be doing?
I am very lucky that I chose at a very young age to live a life that felt true to me. I had kind and supportive parents and sister who cheered me on and didn’t hold me back.
And yet.
I still look at myself and my life and my choices and keep questioning the basis of many of my decisions. The invisible assumptions I make, the unwritten rules I follow.
I was thinking earlier this week that I would like to be done with all that. I’ve likely lived more than half of my life already. I’m running out of time and don’t want to waste any more of it.
I want to wear what I want and do what I want and to be able to do that I need to know what that is.
It’s time.
Yes to making the invisible visible. Yes to doing whatever I want and being and owning who I am.
Weekly Intention: My intention this week is to move through this week slowly. I would like to move slowly, get less done, be present and mostly have a low, non-frenetic energy.
This month’s intention is:March: Yes You Can: This is usually your hardest month. No break, still too cold. It feels hard to make it through this month but you can. Yes you can. Keep going. I have been struggling my way through March as always. Not a fan.
One way I will leap this week: I’ve been doing the cold showers, here’s to keeping that up.
One boundary I will set this week: Let’s see if I can start some of the art/journaling in the evenings as planned.
One area where I will go deeper this week: finally finishing the coaching paperwork.
What do I need to sit with this week? how i am feeling and moving through it.
I am looking forward to: doing some art maybe.
Focus onCore Desired Feelings (lighter, kinder, enough, magic, wild): i things are not feeling light or magical at the moment and I am not all that kind with myself. working on it.
This week’s challenges: maybe this is my week to finally take a step back.
Top Goals:
Work: write up the 3 for L and 3 for D, email advocates, figure out more steps for analyst+pgm. finish coaching paperwork.
Personal: get back to drawing and journaling.
Family: take walks with J. do one thing with N and do one thing with D. book vacation for April.
This week, I want to remember: I have what it takes all inside me.
