At the end of the year, last year, I wrote up my unraveling for 2018 and I was recently revisiting it to see all the things I said I wanted to do/be and see where I am with it all. So I thought it would be a good time to do an update for myself. This will be long, feel free to skip 🙂 I am only going to cover the pieces that had some kind of “thing I will do” answer to see if I did it 🙂

• Fast-forward to December 2018. You’re sitting in a cafe?, musing over the last 12 months. Where do you want to be…

• in your head? (work, dreams, goals) I want to be scaling up the quality of my work and create processes that can scale. I want to develop relationships with leadership and add value to all of my teams. I want to think of myself in a way that allows me to show up without hesitation. I also want to listen better and talk less.
  • Ok so, interestingly, I switched jobs since I’ve written this but some of it still applies, I created some processes but I’d like to (and am working on) doing some more. I am definitely developing relationships with leadership and adding value. I am listening more but also still talking a lot. And I am still working on the “without hesitation” part.

• in your heart? (relationships, family, friends) I want to make sure to prioritize people who matter the most to me. I want to develop deeper friendships with the Tamara, Kelly and Leslie. I want to make good friends in Nathaniel’s class. I want to continue to foster my friendships with Evelyn and work friends. I want to put my family first. Support my nephews. Talk to my sister more. Go on regular date nights with Jake. Continue teaching the kids. Continue taking photos.
  • Ok so I’ve definitely deepened my friendship with Leslie and I’d say also with Kelly. I have more room to grow with Tamara and Nathaniel’s class. And just with friends in general. I’m supporting my nephews but I’d like to do more there. I definitely don’t talk to my sister enough. I finally found a sitter so date night might become a reality. I teach the kids a lot and take photos a bunch.

• in your soul? (beliefs, practices, self-love) I want to get stronger in my sense of self. In my ability to be okay with who I already am, in drawing boundaries. In choosing to spend my time in ways that are most meaningful to me.
  • I am working on this. I definitely spend my time on what is most meaningful to me but I need help with the sense of self part. Or at least with not spinning. 

• in your physical world? (home, health, hobbies) I want to continue to buy flowers. Continue to exercise daily, and start doing it at home, too. Add massage at work. Do more consistent self-care. Eat way way better and drink a ton of water. I want to do more art but only when it gives me joy. Continue the new way of scrapping that I am loving.
  • Exercising daily. Did only one massage, could do more. Doing more consistent self-care. Eating better, drinking a lot but tea and water. Doing art and scrap, too. 

• Okay, let’s take it up a notch. Use this page to describe what 2018 looks like in your ideal world. Be specific! What are your dreams for love this year? Work? Play? Where are you hungry for change? How do you want 2018 to FEEL? Use your answers from the previous pages to craft your ideal vision for the next 12 months. What would saying YES to your life look and feel like? Write out everything your heart desires for this new year. Be bold. I am exercising every single morning. I am drinking a lot of water and taking care of my skin, my hair, my teeth. I am feeling strong and healthy and alive. I am trying new things that feel fresh to me, I am appreciating the wonder in my life. I am choosing what to spend time on and loving the time I spend on it. I am feeling positively about my choices. I am spending a lot of time with Jake. And with my kids. I am talking to my nephews regularly. I am working hard. I am teaching my kids. I am reading. I am resting. I am showing up for life.
  • Ok so i am exercising every work day, drinking water, taking care of skin and hair (not perfect on the teeth.) Feeling stronger for sure. I am trying a few things but not enough. I am spending time doing art and i love it. I am spending time with kids and Jake (though i’d like more with Jake.) I am talking to my nephews with less regularity than I’d like. I am working hard. I teach the kids. I am reading a lot. I am resting a lot. I am definitely showing up, though not as much socially.

• List 3 duties or commitments you feel ready to let go of in 2018
  • 1. No more lit club after this school year is over.
       1. i quit this!
    2. No more Math Circle.
       1. i quit this too
    3. Maybe no TV?
       1. i quit this too!
• List 3 skills you’d like to learn or improve in 2018
  1. Math, I want to do even more math with my kids.
     1. I am so on this, doing it with both kids.
  2. Drawing, sketching, art in general.
     1. working on this one, too, it’s a long journey
  3. Science. Both my kids are into science and I know practically nothing.
     1. well david and I are taking physics but man it’s hard.
• How could you bring more calm into your life (and head) this year? More journaling. Quiet moments in the morning and evening. Taking much more time out. Muting when on VC.
  • hmm i am finally journaling and taking moments morning and night but I am not on VC as much anymore so I will have to get creative.
• List 3 ways you could be kinder to your body this year
  1. Take care of my skin + teeth.
     1. doing this.
  2. Massage my body and release my muscles + stretch more.
     1. i was doing this but am not anymore.
  3. Take Yoga and Pilates to increase flexibility.
     1. i did a bunch of this but am not doing it anymore.
• List 3 ways you could connect with loved ones in 2018
  1. Regular date nights with Jake.
     1. not doing this yet :/ but i have a sitter now, i am optimistic.
  2. Biweekly check-ins with my nephews.
     1. not doing this either but will do when school starts.
  3. Weekly meeting with a friend.
     1. I am doing this with one friend but I’d like to do it more.
• How could you bring more love into your life this year? By choosing joy. Assuming the best. Realizing that things always work out because I try harder and harder until they do. Realizing the magic that is my life. Being grateful. Paying attention to the support I have. Being thankful.
  • i am definitely grateful and think about it all the time but it hasn’t been enough.
• List 3 interests/hobbies you would like to explore more in 2018
  1. Rock climbing
     1. hmm only did this once, and a long time ago, it’s time to do more
  2. Does journaling count? I want to do it much more regularly.
     1. making a bit of progress here but not a lot
  3. Taking online classes. Or maybe even in person ones!
     1. just started this, too.
• List 3 ways you could feed your imagination this year
  1. Try new things. Fresh things.
     1. hmmm…. maybe one or two but i’d love to do more here.
  2. Go on adventures. Travel. Especially to places I’ve never been to.
     1. we did a bunch of travel adventures this year, but i’d like to do more
  3. Read different books (things I wouldn’t typically pick up.)
     1. hmmm…i think i did some of this.
• List 3 dreams you would like to manifest this year (personal or professional)
  1. I’d like to be really much stronger. Be able to do pushups with ease.
     1. uhm. i am stronger. i started the year with 4 kilos for body pump squat weight and now i am doing 15 kilos but the pushups definitely don’t come with ease.  
  2. I’d love to have handful of really close friendships
     1. i definitely have one but i’d love two, three more here.
  3. I’d love to deepen my relationship with Jake even further.
     1. there’s so much here and i have the best man in the world, he’s incredible. i want to always work on this.
• How could you bring more creative energy into your life this year? I would like to journal more. I’d love to bring back my sketching habit, not sure if I can but I would love to. I still love looking at those sketches. I’d love to do another 100-day project.
  • i did a 100-day project but it was lame, imho. i still want all these things. i am doing them but i want them more. 
• List 3 ways you could bring more mindfulness to your mornings
  1. Take 15 minutes to journal each morning.
     1. finally started doing this most weekday mornings.
  2. Take 5 minutes to meditate.
     1. this, too, i am doing right now.
  3. Exercise first thing in the morning. (continue to wake up at 6am!)
     1. this has been a winner all year.

• List 3 ways you could cherish your home this year
  1. Buy flowers!
     1. i do this religiously
  2. Fill my house with twinkly lights.
     1. i haven’t done enough of this. i want to do more.
  3. Buy sheets that we love for each of us. Decorate our rooms to feel more our own. Put our family photos into frames.
     1. i did this for the kids (sheets) but not for us yet. I also haven’t done the photos. i love the idea and I  want tho think more and find a way to make it happen. 
• List 3 ways you could connect more deeply with nature in 2018
  1. Take weekly walks and monthly trips to water.
     1. I definitely haven’t been doing this. It’s easy enough to do.
  2. I still would love to take hikes.
     1. also still on my list, i think i need to scout a bit and just make this a reality and stop wishing/whining
  3. I think I’d like to swim more this year, too. Need to think about this one more.
     1. this completely fell off my radar and actually is not on my list anymore
• List 3 places in your city, town or neighbourhood you want to explore
  1. The city. We definitely don’t go there enough.
     1. we did a tiny bit here but not enough.
  2. Marin. Especially the headlands.
     1. also here super little.
  3. Go to the woods more. Learn new hikes.
     1. nothing here 🙂

• I will learn more about:
  1. Science: as much as I can.
     1. very little progress here 🙂
  2. My body: how to make it stronger, how to take care of it.
     1. made a bunch of progress here but have a ways to go
  3. Who I am. I will pay attention to what I do and what I say and what my values are and own who I am.
     1. need more work here, too. more around healing.
• I will release my attachment to chocolate. The past. Coffee. Things + people who don’t nourish me.
  • haven’t had chocolate in a while, don’t seem to really miss it. coffee’s also morphed. i’ve practically quit processed sugar. working on other things.

So here we are. I’ve actually done a lot of the things I wanted to do. I had a dip in mid-February to mid-May but I’m on track now, I’m working at it. Things are not as grim as I make them out to be in my head. Onward we go 🙂

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

I get hung up on the smallest things sometimes. Details that really don’t matter in the scheme of life. Details that nag at me and cause me to be my ungenerous self and yet I can’t let go. They poke at me. They scream inside my head. 

This happened to me earlier this week when something really small happened and I just couldn’t let it go and I got really upset and then really angry and then I felt really ashamed of my behavior and got really, really sad. This is what Tara Brach calls the second arrow of self-judgement. Where I am feeling the pain and then I hurt myself more by judging myself on top of it. And the whole time I was still having trouble letting go of the little thing and that only added to my shame. I want to be a better person that that. I want to be able to remind myself what matters most and I want that to override all the other worries. 

I don’t know how to do this. 

On good days, I can remember what matters. I can remember to be my best self. I can remember to be kind and generous and loving. But in these moments, I am so triggered that it almost doesn’t matter what else is going on. Everything is filtered through the narrow, negative lens of what’s going on in my head. My heart is tiny. My thoughts are spinning, leaving no room for anything. Especially no room for being present. Being able to see what’s actually happening in this moment. 

This is also what makes me yell when I don’t want to. This is what is happening each time I do something I later regret. I am not remembering what matters most. I am not remembering that I care more about loving kindness than I care about anything else. I know deep down in my heart that I want to love and be loved and honestly it’s all I want. It’s something that can’t be replaced by any belonging or work recognition. I don’t want to look good, i want to be good and do good, especially for those whom I love but honestly for everyone. I want to be able to be kind all the time. I want to be able to remind myself that I care more about this than anything else.

Always.

But I struggle. And I don’t know the trick. How do I make sure to channel that in those moments where I am triggered. How can I quiet the voices inside down quickly and swiftly so I can remember? 

That’s what’s on my mind this week. I haven’t figured it out. Still pondering. 

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

This week at work, I took a class and part of what she taught us were these three concentric circles. In the innermost circle, you have your “comfort zone” which is where most of us are most of the time. And then there is the Adventure Zone which feels a bit scary but also thrilling and you can visit there and learn a lot and the more time you spend there, the wider your comfort zone grows. And then there’s the Panic Zone which doesn’t feel good and most importantly, you can’t learn anything while you’re there.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, my work, my choices in terms of these circles lately. I think my comfort zone is reasonably small and I often live in the Adventure zone and I really try not to go into panic zone because I hate being in a place where I can’t learn.

What’s interesting is how compelled I feel to go to the Adventure Zone. I was wondering why I might keep doing it to myself. I think one reason is because my comfort zone is smaller than average. I have very few things that really feel comfortable in my life. Maybe when I am curled up in bed reading but otherwise not often. I am anxious and scared often and I worry a lot so if I really needed to only be in my comfort zone, I’d have a pretty small life.

The other thing is that I have an almost obsessive need to learn constantly. About myself, about the world, about all things. I always want to grow, evolve, and know more. This incredible thirst for knowledge gives me the drive to go into my adventure zone and take risks because the reward of learning is so big for me. And because I live there so often the quiet times in my comfort zone are really important for my recovery. 

Which is also why I feel absolutely no desire to be in the panic zone. There’s nothing good for me there. And I avoid it at all costs. 

I really liked thinking about my life in these terms and I now will stop and ask myself what zone i am in at a moment in time so I can see if I need a push forward or the space to go backward into a smaller circle.

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

Last week at work someone made an offhanded comment that got stuck in my head. And then I followed up on the comment with someone else, and their response, even though delivered kindly and with explanation, also got stuck in my head. And I’ve been spinning on those all week.

I’ve also been waking up in the middle of the night worrying about my upcoming flights to Sydney and Tokyo. I am staying in Sydney until Saturday because I get there on Tuesday this time and thought staying three days would be insane. But now I am worried that maybe I should have come back Friday so as to not spend all Saturday recovering from my flight and wasting my weekend with the kids. For Tokyo, I am leaving around 6am on Mother’s Day and flying through Seoul so I can go business class and it’s taking me around 6 hours longer. I am wondering if I should have left a day later and not missed another weekend day with my kids but then reminding myself that getting there a day early is probably the sane thing to do especially since I will only be there for three days. And yet, I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about all these things. The comments people make, the flights I’ve already booked, the one, two days I will miss.

And all this worrying is making me stay awake at night so that when I am with my kids, on vacation, I am exhausted, unable to be present, or my mind is spinning and not focusing on being here with them now. 

What a waste.

Here’s what I know: I like my job, I like being good at my job, I like working. I even like working hard.

But.

But I love my family. I love my kids. I love watching my boys grow up. I love sitting and doing work with them. I love hearing about how their days went. I love being deeply connected with their lives.  I know that I have another 4-5 years before David is off to college and another 8 with Nathaniel before he, too, starts his own journey. I want to be here for all of those days and I don’t want to go chase some stupid career goal I don’t have.

It’s so easy for me to spin other people’s throw away comments. I’m such a pleaser that I worry constantly that I am not pleasing someone. Some comment about going away when I should be here with my kids, or how I travel so much, some comment about how my title should be X or Y. Some comment about how I am not doing enough. It doesn’t even matter who is commenting, I just always want to apologize and please. 

Of course, doing that doesn’t work. Because if I am pleasing someone, I am displeasing someone else. Time and attention are limited resources and if they are going to one place, they are not going to another at the same time. When I feel unsure of my own choices and destination, it becomes that much easier for me to sway with others’ comments. For me to spin constantly.

But when I know what I want, I listen so much differently. I hear what they say and then filter that through what matters to me. What resonates with my own values and thoughts and goals. I take what helps and leave the rest. I am so much better at walking down my own path when I know what that path is. 

This is why it’s so important to me to live intentionally. I know that when I have spent time thinking about the life I want to live, I am so much better at constructing it, sticking to it, and living it. 

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.

This photo has nothing to do with what’s on my mind except that it’s making me happy. And I get to go back to Sydney in a few weeks and that makes me happy too. In fact, I will be traveling to Sydney, Tokyo, Boston, Italy, France and Spain in the span of two months which both delights and terrifies me. 

Anyhow, what’s on my mind this week is anchoring myself. I’ve been going a mile a minute for a bunch of weeks now, especially as I started taking on my new job. I have had all the feelings. I had the car accident earlier in the month. My son became a teenager. School is almost over. And as all these things are happening, I like to be able to take note and connect with the people in my life. Especially with my kids and husband. 

But a big part of that connecting is also me being connected to myself and my feelings and thoughts.

I do a good amount of self-reflecting here but when things get busy I feel I need deeper reflection and that’s exactly the time I don’t do it enough. So I am excited to do this 100 days of journaling plan. I can and do take my journal everywhere anyway. And knowing what’s on my mind allows me to be more thoughtful in my response, so I react less or at least I know why I am reacting. 

I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but for me journaling is always the best way for me to see how I feel. I figure it out as I write. I connect with it as I see it on the page. 

So it’s time to get it on paper. 

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.