I’ve been feeling really anxious lately. My older son started Kindergarten at a new school today and I’ve been dreading this day like the plague. There are several reasons this transition has been hard on me.
1. I am a person of routine and I really like following a set routine regularly. I know that bores many people but not me. I thrive on it and need it to maintain my sanity most days. New school means new routine, new schedules to worry about, new procedures to remember, new people to meet, new and unexpected problems that I don’t even know about yet.
2. I’ve spent the last few months pondering about the virtues of public vs private school and am still not sure we’re doing the right thing. Or even what the right thing is. Education is really really important to me and is something I want to get right. Now if only these things came with guarantees….
3. This marks the beginning of my son’s school life. A life where he spends 6+ hours of his days nowhere near me. His own life. While I understand this is wonderful in many ways, too, it’s just frightening to me that he’s so young and yet he will get on a bus and go to school and make friends, do things, learn things, and then get on another bus and hopefully not get lost on the way home. Hopefully he won’t get off on the wrong stop. He won’t lose his bus pass. He’ll remember his backpack. He will eat his lunch and put the lunchbox back in the bag for me to fill the next day. He’ll keep track of his homework so he can bring it home. I can go on and on. Thoughts, worries, possible scenarios are just dancing in my head. Keeping me up at night.
The thing is, I know that life always moves forward. That’s the great thing about life: constant change. And we’re arriving at a new phase in his life. One that will involve more independence and responsibility on his part. When I truly think about it, I know he will rise to the challenge. He always does. He’s taking all of this with much more joy and enthusiasm than I am. And I am so proud of him.
I know that some of my fears might come true. (Hopefully most won’t.) But I also know that we can recover from pretty much all of it. What is even more important is that my anxiety and worrying isn’t helping me or him. It’s keeping me up at night and stopping me from being as present as I could be. It’s setting the wrong example to him and sending messages that there’s something to worry about here. When, actually, this is a moment to celebrate. A passage he deserves and welcomes with open arms. As should I.
I am trying to remember a post I made last December. Choosing Joy over worry. Choosing to embrace each moment. Choosing to look at things from a positive stance and be grateful for what’s here. Be grateful that I am there to see him through this amazing new step in his life and the millions of other things I have to be grateful for in general and specific to this path. My husband reminded me today that this is a choice. Every day (and even every moment) I have the choice to be anxious or worried or joyful. Why not take the one that makes me happiest?
So tonight as I review the roads to the bus that will take my son to school tomorrow, I sit with these words. As I worry about how my little boy will do during a two-hour meeting I plan to attend at the school (a meeting that falls inside his nap time), I remind myself that things will go as they will. We will make it through as we always do. We will walk the path.
And so, why not make the choice to walk it with joy?
The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
Your post strikes a deep chord within me. When my son started kindergarten 3 years ago, aged not quite 3 (in France where I live, school does start at such an early age), I could have written your post almost word for word, (minus the bus as schools bus don’t work the same over here). My son spent 8 hours at school and it was the hardest thing, both for him and me, to leave him in the morning. Like your son, he coped admirably, much better than I did. I drank gallons of rescue remedy to calm my nerves and eventually learnt to be a little more relaxed.
I still think about him lots during the day, am deeply hurt by some of the things he relates to me and today, about one week away from his first day back, I am fretting, although a lot less than 3 years ago.
So you are right, choosing joy is the right way (although it is quite difficult to keep fear at bay) and this will also help us grow as individuals and mothers.
I will undoubtedly be thinking of you next Thursday, as I choose joy over the “arg school is starting waaaay too soon this year and how am I going to cope with that?” feeling.
Sophie
thank you so much for your kind words. 3yrs old? I can’t even imagine that. how’s he doing this year so far?
thank you for asking…actually he missed his first day at school, which was today, by picking up a bug of some sort so his first day will be postponed to Monday provided his fever drops. Funnily enough, he wasn’t bothered in the least! I hope he will learn to love school sooner or later (sooner would rather suit me actually! lol) This is his final year in kindergarten and he is still as unmotivated as 2 years ago. But hopefully, he won’t cry when I leave him in the morning this year.
so? is he doing better now? I am so sorry he got sick on the first day 🙁 did he cry?