The following is cross-posted from the Weekly Gratitude Blog. I will post there every Tuesday and decided to post those posts here, too. For those of you who read both blogs, I apologize in advance. Some weeks the content might be different and other weeks, exactly the same.
Last week, I lost my grandmother.
She was 91 and she lived a long, healthy and full life. When I learned of her passing, I wrote a few words about our memories and how much she meant to me. As I was writing the post, I realized how much stronger “Weekly Gratitude” has already made me.
I am the melodramatic kind. I tend to over-analyze everything and feel emotions deeply. I worry too much and have a lot of hopes and wishes. While I love living in the United States, one of my greatest fears is not being near my family when something happens to them. For the longest time, my dad used to smoke a lot (he went from 3 packs a day to nothing, bless his soul) and he didn’t eat all that well and slept even less. I had these fears that we would lose him and I wouldn’t even be there to hold his hand. I had this long list of things that I never got to do with him. I felt that I would never forgive myself.
And yet, I am still terrible about visiting home. I dread flying with the kids and my life is pretty hard to uproot. So I haven’t been home in a long time. Thankfully my parents visit me and I’ve had the opportunity to see them. (Not nearly as frequently as I would like of course but they are so kind to take the long trip when I won’t.) But I hadn’t seen my grandmother since 2006. And now I will never see her again. When Nathaniel (my 10-month-old) was born, my parents asked me to visit so my grandmother could meet him. But I didn’t. I was too worried about flying with a baby and a 5-year-old.
So you would think that now that she’s gone forever, I would be wallowing in remorse. And I think the old-me would have. But this project has helped me see the positive side of so many things this year. I’ve noted 3 things that I’m grateful for every single day. That makes 159 things this year so far. (That’s quite a lot isn’t it? And we’re only in February.) It has shifted my focus from the bad to the good. To the “glass is half full” perspective.
And it has allowed me to move past regret into appreciation. Into being thankful for all the times I did have with my grandmother. For having had the luxury of meeting my grandmother and sharing so much with her. And on and on. I know that if it weren’t for this project I would be feeling sorry for myself so much more. Which is, of course, taking the focus off of her and making this all about me. Instead, I can celebrate her and make this all about how amazing she was. And will always be.
Which also brings me peace about my parents. Peace about my life. About living it daily. Living in the moment. Living with gratitude. And choosing joy.
This project has already changed my life more than I ever thought it could.
I will miss you, Omama, may you rest in peace.
I just now got home from the memorial services of my son’s Great Grandmother, who, too, was 91. She was a lovely lady and was always so kind to me even though her grandson and I were no longer married. It was wonderful hearing the recollections of so many there, which happened to be some of the same wonderful things I remembered about her.
May your pain become easier to bear.
Blessings,
Monika
Hi Karen,
I had similar thoughts and feelings when I lost my dad too. My dad committed suicide, which compounds the regrets and “what if’s”, and “I should have’s” that are common when you lose someone you love. I used to tell myself that I would do anything, give up anything, if we could just go back in time and change what happened. Then one day, I realized that it wasn’t true– I had just gotten married, and I would not give up my entire life, my hopes and dreams, to undo what he did, even if that were possible. I took the path that I did, and he was proud of me, and happy for me. He wouldn’t have wanted me to miss that, I know that in my heart. And he made his choice, it wasn’t up to me or anyone else, much as we wish we’d had a say. That’s how I came to acceptance. You can beat yourself up for not being with your family, or you can take comfort in the fact that you are following your dreams, and I bet that’s what they want for you, and I bet they are proud of you. What would your life be like if your number one priority was just to never leave them? As long as you share your love with each other in the best way that you can, you are being a good daughter/sister/granddaughter. I found peace in that with my dad as well. I know that the last thing I said to him was that I loved him, and I really take comfort in that.
I hope that helps. Another perspective to examine is what you’d like your boys to be doing when they are your age. Should they cling to you or spread their wings? And if they do spread their wings to pursue their, do you want them to feel bad for doing so? (I think I know your answer!)