Much better day today. Nathaniel decided not to take his super early nap so when I came home from dropping off David, I put him down and he slept the whole two hours which meant that I was able to get a ton of work done. Which immediately made me feel better of course.
The rest of the day I actually did even more work and finally I feel much better about the upcoming week. I am still very scared of the unknown but I feel as armed as possible.
Nathaniel loves visiting David at his table and I always try to snap a photo when he does it and I am never really successful. Today wasn’t much better but here we are.
I am still not caught up in the new episode of Lost. I am about halfway through but with two kids and work, it’s been hard to watch, especially since it needs my attention. Instead I worked on my AMM layouts for February. I finished one and am almost done with a second one. I have so little journaling this month across all my photos. I don’t know if that’s because I have nothing to say or if I am feeling too tired to journal. Let’s see if I still have no words tomorrow.
Note to Self:
I’ve been thinking a lot about seeking approval lately. (I do this a lot.) In many areas of my life. And I have been listening to this book which talks about how we get upset when people voice what we think. It made me wonder. It’s certainly true for me that if I don’t believe (or wonder about) something, it doesn’t matter if someone else puts me down. For example, while I am far from the smartest person I know, I’ve never been dumb. I never worry that I am stupid. It just doesn’t even cross my mind. So if someone says “You’re stupid.” I don’t really take it to heart and wonder if they are right. I might feel like I acted stupidly or that I have a lot to learn about this particular topic or whatever, but I don’t judge my overall ability. I don’t feel stupid just cause the person said so. I don’t worry that they might be right. And I also don’t seek confirmation that I am not stupid. Yet, none of this is true for my art for example. If someone were to tell me that I was completely not-talented and my pages were crap, I would likely believe them. And that they know better than I do and they are probably right. So it’s only in areas where I doubt myself that people can get to me. That I seek approval and acceptance.
But the funny thing is, I don’t know what will do the trick. What will need to happen for me to internalize that my art is beautiful and has its own merit? Does someone “famous” need to endorse me? Do I need to get published a lot? (because I’ve already been published in a book and clearly that didn’t do the trick.) Will I need to be on a manufacturer team? More design teams? More blog readers/followers? What’s the answer here?
This is a trick question. There is no answer. No one and nothing can make me feel better. Only I can. Only. Me. I need to work on this.
Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Getting some work done! Good, solid work makes me happy.
2. Connecting with a friend at work today. I work with this person but we never really chatted before. Today we did and it was great.
3. Starting on my kit. This month’s kit came at a bad time for me so I need to scramble to get it done yet I am forcing myself to take my time and be ok with that.
I think it’s normal to feel that way about our art. I recently read Art & Fear which made me feel so much less alone and so much more “normal” as an artist. I highly recommend it. I grew up with my father calling me stupid. And I still have trouble with that today. When things don’t go smoothly I first berate myself for being stupid. And although I know I’m not, it’s a knee jerk reaction and a battle I may fight all my life. I’m getting better at it, but some days…so I think we all have things that can cut us to our quick.
Art is so subjective, its all a matter of taste & style. Not everyone loves even the grand masters. So, as long as you are happy with it, its all that matters.