Forever didn’t use to be a scary thought to me.
I was the sort of person who made long-term decisions and stuck to them. I decided to come to the United States for college at the age of twelve. I chose computers as my main field at seven. Those goals never changed. I came here; I studied information systems. I got a programming job.
The same pattern applied to my relationships. I hung on regardless of how bad situations got. An abusive boyfriend. A cruel best friend. But I was in it for the long run, I knew how to stick around. I didn’t do things on a whim.
I was Ms. Consistent.
Deep down, I always resented myself for not being daring or impromptu enough. I secretly wished to do something crazy, like get a tattoo or pierce my tongue. But I never had the courage.
Today, I was chatting with Daphna about how I don’t like tattoo’s anymore and it got me thinking. Why had I changed my mind?
And I realized that getting a tattoo wasn’t necessarily an out-of-character thing for a person like me. Whether the receiver is aware of it at the time or not, a tattoo is a permanent commitment. It’s quite difficult to remove and even then leaves a scar. It’s not temporary.
It seems I’ve decided to put permanence on hold for a while.
Temporary sounds more attractive for now. Not temporary in the sense of “this week” but temporary in the sense of “it’s okay if you change your mind ten years down the road.” I want to try different things. Do something that I’m passionate about. Shake my beliefs up. Shake my life up. Not worry about doing something that wasn’t ‘part of the plan.’
I want to fall and get up. Just to see that I can. Just to see that there’s nothing to be scared of. I want to conquer surviving within a world of unknown and handle situations as they come my way. I want to stop anticipating potential problems and worrying about them. I want to stop putting myself on a path. I want to climb trees instead and figure out what branch to jump to at the end of each one.
At least just for a little while.
So I don’t secretly wish for a piercing anymore. Instead, I’ll have temporary tattoos, henna, jewelry and beads.
But no tattoos.
Previously? Body Image.
It is probably a good thing anyway — about the tattoo that is. Then, due to permanence, you might have to go back to the tattoo parlor years later and ask them to black out the face of a sun that has annoyingly been peering at you since the teenage years. :O)