May 2016 – Choosing Means – 07

Today’s card says: Choosing means knowing what matters most and being willing to let go of the rest. Even when you wish you could have it all or even both.

Even though I know this is a fact and can intellectually articulate it, I notice that when it comes to my life, I don’t “choose” to remember this.

I often “choose” a path directly or inadvertently and then judge myself on both the path I took and the one I didn’t take. I do this with small things like eating something that’s bad for me and then judging myself on my weight or looks. I do it on big things like choosing to do or say something at work and/or my personal life and then fretting constantly that I said what I said. I choose not to focus on cooking, cleaning, dressing a certain way etc but then I judge myself on how I do those things.

I feel like a lot of my personal values are not always in line with some of the cultural and societal norms I grew up with (and am still in, in some ways) so this double-standard is extra tough for me. I often choose to do things according to my own values (which is good!) but then the conversations and judgements in my head are constantly about the norms I grew up around (bad. mostly because they don’t reflect who i choose to be.) This is a formula for constant frustration and sorrow and self-judgement.

And I want to choose to stop doing it.

I think the first step to this is writing down what I believe in. What I think matters most. And then the next step is writing down what I don’t believe in, what I think matters less. Because choosing is not just about the thing you’re choosing but it’s also about the thousands of things (that you didn’t choose) that choice implies. So I can remind myself that I have actively made this choice not to hold myself accountable for the things I’ve specifically not chosen to focus on.

Letting go of the rest, of the choices I didn’t make starts with choosing to not choose them. Choosing to actively let them go. Choosing to fully step into who I am and step out of who I am not.

Choosing Means is a Monthly Project for May 2016. You can read more about my projects for 2016 here.