These are from Ali’s 31 More Things class. More context here.
So here’s my day eighteen – fear.
(journaling below)
Journaling:
When I look at the word “fear” it doesn’t speak to me that much. I guess I always link it with being “afraid” like in horror movies. I always categorize myself as someone who’s very worried as opposed to afraid. I don’t know if there’s a difference there since the things I worry about are what other people might classify as fears but, to me, that word just feels wrong.
Regardless of what one might call it, fears or worries, I definitely have plenty of them. Generally most of my worries are around not being able to be enough for the people around me. I worry about not doing enough for my kids or husband. Not being able to always do just the right thing to meet all their needs. To make sure they can always feel how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I constantly fear disappointing them.
I also spend a lot of time worrying about belonging. I’ve never really felt a sense of belonging as a kid and there are still many, many moments in my life where I feel like I am just “not like the others” (in a bad way) and I often feel really sad about this. I wish it was much easier for me to feel belonging. With this, I also worry about abandonment. I want to make sure the people I love stick around. I want them to love me. I don’t worry about being alone as much as I worry about being without the people I love.
I also have plenty of practical fears. Fears around not being able to take care of my family financially. Not being able to send my kids to the schools they want to go to. Not being able to give my kids what they want or need in life. Not being able to keep my job. Not being able to get the tasks on my list done. On and on.
I think it’s fair to say that I spend a lot of my time worrying. I try hard to do whatever’s needed along the way so fear doesn’t paralyze me but it definitely gets in the way of my happiness. It makes it so I can’t enjoy the moments of my life. It makes it so I am never sure if I can really just let go and be right here, right now. It makes it so that I am always planning for the next step and making sure everything is scheduled and planned.
It’s as if by organizing and worrying, I can predict how the future will turn out. As if I can control the outcome and guarantee something positive. Of course, I know that this is not possible but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from trying. Or worrying. This is something I work on every single day because it’s the biggest impediment to my peace.
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