Authenticity

I consider myself a productive person. In an ordinary week, I get a lot done. Here’s a typical list: creative therapy art piece, layouts for amm, layouts for the BPS class I am taking, organizing/writing BPS class that I am planning to teach, a new tag, a photography video, a photoshop video, a book to start and finish in the same week, my writing homework for the week, writing for my upcoming submission to the critique in my class, digital downloads for the week, photos every day of the week – taking them, processing them, uploading them, and posting them. Preparing and posting each week’s creative therapy catalyst. Emailing artists to see if they would guest for us. Following up on guests that are coming up due.



I’m tired just listing them all. And none of these are required. On top of of all this, I have my actual obligations in life. Like my job and my almost five year old and my six month old and my husband. Attending meetings. Taking David back and forth from preschool for two hours a day. Making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for him. Nursing Nathaniel – day and night. And now preparing and giving food to Nathaniel.



The thing is, I love being busy. I love scrapping, taking photos, doing art, reading, writing. I love it all. But because I am doing it all, I am always in such a rush that I can’t seem to enjoy any of it. I find myself running from one task to another. Making 27 item-long todo lists each weekend. Telling my son he has to go to bed without a story so mommy can do her stuff. Not replying to emails. Not inviting friends over so I can do my stuff.



And, on top of all that, I am not even happy with what I do. I often find myself seeking validation. I annoy my husband to read my words, to look at my pages. I post them online and refresh constantly for feedback, never believing the good stuff and constantly reading into the words, looking for the criticism. I am obviously not made out of whatever it takes to do this stuff. Ten times a day, I think of withdrawing myself from everything. Giving up all my obligations (most of which are to myself) and just living life.



But I also know that being busy is what stops me from going crazy. From being depressed. And as I mentioned a few days ago, I often need a purpose to execute.



I think the trick is to find a little more balance. To take the time to seriously sit down and analyze which parts I enjoy the most. While there might be days I don’t enjoy having to remember to take a photo, I love seeing daily photos of my son. And I love that because of that practice I have some amazing photos of both of my sons. Of our lives. Of our events. I love creative therapy. I love the environment it’s created on the web. I love the guests we’ve had. The art I’ve done. The team we have. I love reading. I love the layouts that focus on the words and the photos. I love having our scrapbook pages to look at, the stories I get to remember, the moments I get to preserve. And I’ve been getting a lot out of the videos, digital work, classes, etc, too. But I can’t do it all.



I don’t want to do it all. I want to be able to do art for four hours one night and not worry about the other items on my list. Or read for seven hours. Or just be with my kids and do workbooks. Read stories.



So something’s gotta give. I don’t know what yet. I feel too sad giving any of it up. But as the holiday season approaches and I get to have more days at home with my kids and I think about gratitude and family and thankfulness, I want to look within and see what fulfills me the most right now. Yes, I love the idea of writing that novel, but I am not really loving writing it right now. Maybe it’s ok to let it go. It doesn’t mean I failed.



Living my life authentically for me. For the values I cherish. And not for looking good for others. Not for validation. Not for approval or admiration. But for joy, love and gratitude. I am going to try to practice that for the next nine weeks. I will still create art and take photos and read books. But I am going to try my hardest to give up the need for validation. I am not even sure I can do it. But I am going to try hard. I think that if I didn’t need the validation, I might be a better person. And I know that life would be considerably more pleasant.



Here’s to nine weeks of authenticity and joy.



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ps: no photoshop video this week. I have no more ideas. If you have ideas of what you’d like to see email me. karen AT karenika DOT com.