Beginnings

I’ve been thinking about beginnings a lot lately. This time of year is usually a reflective time for me, and it’s a time I usually visit the idea of beginning the new year. What my wishes, dreams, hopes, ambitions are for the coming year, etc.

But, this year, I’ve had even more reason to think about beginnings since I just started a new role at work. What’s unusual about this beginning is that everyone else is in the “middle” and I am not.

When it comes to a new year, we’re all starting that at the same time. Or back when we were at school, our beginnings were lined up. But this particular beginning is individual to me. I get to be the new person on my team for a while. And as with most beginnings, there are some advantages and disadvantages to that.

On the plus side, I am enthusiastic and since I haven’t been burned on anything yet, I feel like there are endless possibilities. I feel audacious and willing to tackle big, scary (but useful) projects. I am optimistic. I feel energetic and like I have a lot of ideas. I am excited to learn something so new to me.I feel confident, excited, and competent. I feel like a sponge, absorbing more and more till I am soaked.

The downside is that sometimes I feel soaked. I feel like my brain is completely tapped out. I feel overwhelmed and not sure where to begin. I feel organized and completely disorganized at the same time. I feel alone, like I am trying to climb a new mountain all by myself with everyone watching to see if I can do it but not offering to help. Sometimes I feel tired just thinking about all I have to do. Sometimes I miss being the one who knows it all. Sometimes I feel like I will never actually learn anything. It will never stick. I feel lost.

Sometimes, I feel all of these things at the same time.

This is how my personal projects are to me, too. I tend to pick things I want to learn, not things I already know. So they are hard and fun and easy and frustrating all at the same time. Sometimes I just want to walk away. Some days I feel like I am never going to get it. Another day I am overflowing with ideas. And then I am just tired.

But here’s what I learned: I need to soldier on.

There’s a reason I picked these projects. There’s a reason I joined this team. There’s a reason I do what I do. I love learning, growing, stretching. And none of that is possible without discomfort. None of that is possible without beginnings.

So, we shall begin.