Meandering Paths

Here’s what I’m learning this week: nothing lasts.

What I’m learning is that life is all about starting, stopping, starting again, failing again, changing things up and trying again and on and on in a recurring cycle.

Summer’s begun and so many of the things I was doing a few months (or a few weeks even) ago aren’t in my life anymore. I’ve stopped the no-sugar and the 5am wake-ups and the meditation and journaling (for the most part.) Between the strep throwing me off and the summer starting and our trip coming up, I feel like my footing is a bit unsteady these days.

But it’s not even the right now. When I look over the last few months, years, I realize that things are constantly shifting. Sometimes I share when I start something new, but I don’t mention when I stop it. When I fall off the path. It’s not cause I am ashamed to talk about it. It’s not a big secret or anything like that. It’s usually because the “falling off” happens so gradually or non-eventfully. It’s not like I wake up and decide to start eating sugar again. It’s one small decision here and one tiny one there. One morning I decide to sleep in because I am tired and the next thing I know I am no longer getting up at 5am. It’s subtle.

If I don’t pay attention, I might almost miss it and then wonder how I got so off-path. This is one of the reasons I like having a very structured schedule. It makes it more noticeable when I fall off course.

What I decided this morning as I was pondering all this was that I will no longer think of these as falling or quitting or failing. I am beginning to think that this is what life is. It meanders. We find some balance, stay on it for a while and then things shift and we have to find another way to balance. Always adjusting, altering, revising.

The path forward is not straight. It’s not even forward. Sometimes you have to go down and around and left and right and even backwards before you can get to the next place. And even though I live a relatively structured life, I have still learned to accept this flow.

Well accept might be too strong. I find myself resisting, judging, wanting to control, being disappointed, angry and sad. But it doesn’t matter. I know that the way out is always through and I know that there’s no such thing as perfect balance. It’s all temporary. Ephemeral. So I am learning to accept. Learning to sit without judgement.

It’s a work in progress.