Falling Off

If we live once, as many people would have us believe, I think it’s crucial to make the most of this only-try that we get, don’t you?

I stress a lot. I worry about the smallest things. I yearn for the correct answers. The right path. I regret stupid little things. I wonder many what-ifs. There are times I am scared to walk down a path that looks appetizing because I spend too much time on the possible negative consequences.

I spend most of my time ensuring for my future. I save. I work. I take the right steps, I say the right words, do the right things. I invest in people. I work on my career. I am careful, calm, collected and thoughtful. I am organized, planned, and well-prepared.

And then there are those crazy moments. A glimpse of randomness. An unplanned purchase. Playing hooky from class. Spending seventeen hours with a friend. Dying my hair. Testing out how it would feel to let go.

These things may seem frivolous to you. The might not sound crazy. But they are to me. And each day that I do something small, I worry and then I get mad at myself. Life is to short, I try to remind myself, it’s a collection of moments and it’s best to enjoy as many of them as possible.

Even if I didn’t have the issues I have with letting go, I think what’s excruciatingly hard is finding a balance between the ‘living today’ and the ‘planning for tomorrow.’ I do think that it’s a good idea to be cautious and have enough money to pay bills and have a consistent enough income. It makes sense to plan for a family if you’re interested in having one and put some money aside if you’re planning to have children. Commitment and responsibility are part of life and I’m okay with that.

Yet, so is spontaneity. I want to be able to take the plunge every now and then. I want to be able to let go. For a while. Take a risk. Try something new. Something uncharted.

The trouble is figuring out the consequences. Walking the thin line between the two. Hopping back and forth but being okay overall. How exactly do I manage that?

Previously? Rediscovering.