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DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 30 2009   And here's one of David. He's been wearing the Buzz Lightyear costume daily lately. I didn't think he was into dressing up but obviously I was wrong. He's so cute in it.   DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 29 2009  Nathaniel had his 2-month appointment today which meant shots which meant a fever of 101. Poor boy.   DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 28 2009    David and Daddy playing. Can you see his joy?  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 27 2009   Jake's parents have been in town and before they left, I wanted to make sure to capture some photos of them and Nathaniel. In this photo aboce he definitely looks just like me.  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 26 2009   And just in case you think I don't have one from yesterday for Nathaniel, here it is. David kissing him while his grandmother holds him. Much loved.  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 25 2009   DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 24 2009   DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 23 2009  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 22 2009   CATALYST 67 - THE BETTER GENDER  my words: I am a firm believer that women are the better and stronger gender. Maybe because I've been lucky enough never to suffer any kind of discrimination as a woman so I only see the advantages. The ability to carry babies. The ability to multitask and to love unconditionally. To care. To feel. To cry. To communicate. To be soft and tender when needed and tough when needed. To be gentle. To be intelligent and emotional at the same time. To get things done. I am not sure why but I've always felt that women are, in general, more capable and more intelligent then men. I hold women in the highest regard and feel like I'm honored and delighted to be one. Wouldn't have it any other way. Note: This digital layout uses: kenner road swallow field, VINTAGE FLORALS by Shabby Princess, foto blend by Anna Aspnes, Katie Pertiet color challenge 4/25, meredith fenwick – all u need. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 21 2009   And here's one from yesterday that I missed.  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 20 2009   DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 19 2009  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 18 2009  DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 17 2009   Moving day. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 16 2009  Here's the handsome boy with his one toy that's not packed.  Nathaniel isn't really sleeping at night. It's making me a bit crazy but I know it will be over soon so I am just trying to hang in there.  This is going to be a long long week for us so cross your fingers. See you when I have internet again. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 15 2009   We have no food left at home and all of his toys are packed so David's been watching movies and eating crackers. Yes, I know I am a terrible mom. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 14 2009   I love all my boys so so much!  I had a wonderful 90 minutes today as I visited my friend Cole's new house. Delicious food, wonderful company, and great conversation. Thank you, Cole! Tomorrow starts our big week. Please cross your fingers for us. CATALYST 66 - WAS IT WORTH IT  here's my text: Four years ago, when my son was born I had a falling out with a good friend. We haven't spoken since. Over the years I've often wondered if it was worth it. The fight we had. Whether it was worth losing the friendship. I am not sure. Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't... This digital page uses the beautiful papers and elements from Kerry Lynn Yeary of Kenner Road. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 13 2009   Lots of good work done this morning. A few more days and the chaos will be done I think. At least one chaos. Then the other one will begin. But still....Well little boy just fell asleep and I think that's my cue to go to bed. Even though it's only 7:43pm. G'nite. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 12 2009   I wanted to take a photo of both kids and here's David being his sweet, accomodating self and Nathaniel, not so much.  After a bunch of nursing, a nap, some burping later, he finally was in a good mood.  Not much light in this house. I can't wait to move. On other news, Nathaniel is definitely tracking now, nice to see that progress and he gives big, huge smiles throughout the day. We did a few more errands today (hard as they are with two kids) and packed a few more boxes. Here's something I learned while I packed my minibooks: I need to use more (or stronger) adhesive. All the embellishments were falling off. Ugh. Happy weekend! LEAVING A MARK There are some people who come into your life during important stages in your life. People whom you will always remember even though they may not remember your name a year from now. For example, I remember the name of each person who interviewed me for my job at Google (and there were many of them.) I have, over the three years, run across many of them and they don't remember me, yet I know I will never forget them. Same goes for the person who did my college interview or the person who sold me my first car, etc. The person who told me about Carnegie Mellon some twenty years ago. I bet he has no idea that he has completely changed the course of my life. I owe my education, my husband, my career, in part to him and his having mentioned the school to me all those years ago. These one-sided experiences always fascinated me. Yesterday, I was talking to one such person. A woman who's helping me through another huge life moment. I told her how thankful I am for her help and how I will remember her forever. I said, "I know I am one of many for you because this is what you do, but you are and will always be special to me." She was touched and thanked me. I wonder if people realize and appreciate the effect they might have on others. The tiny comment that might turn someone's life around. Something you do as part of your job might actually leave a lasting spot in someone else's journey. Isn't that magical? I think we don't tell enough people how they've changed our lives. Imagine if someone told you about such a thing today. How something that was insignificant/effortless to you (something you likely don't even remember) actually left a permanent mark in their life. Wouldn't it be great to hear that. A bit scary maybe, but really awesome in a way that would put a smile on your face and remind you that your reach in this world is much wider than you imagine. So take a moment today and thank someone who did that for you. Don't be embarrassed. Don't worry about how they might take it. Don't expect a response. Just do it. Maybe, just maybe, you might make someone's day. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 11 2009   And here's David making funny faces. He loves making these faces when I grab the camera. As you can also see, we spend a lot of our day in pajamas lately. Need to get into a better routine but there's too much going on right now so I am cutting myself some slack. July 1 is going to be a week of changes here. Mark my words.  Good day today. I spent the day without a lot of expectations and such was relaxed and spent my time reading people's old blog entries (loving discovering new things this way and getting to see a person's blogging growth). Still managed to do a few more chores and pack a few boxes. Making progress. Very slowly but still... DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 10 2009   I still got done a bunch of chores, not as much as I would have liked but here's to tomorrow being a better day. GOOGLE QUICK SEARCH BOX  A project I've been working on at work finally launched today. Check out the Google Quick Search Box. Trust me when I tell you that this product rocks. Some of the best people I know have been working on it and it's truly awesome. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 9 2009   Today was a big day here. Jake was home. We got a lot of stuff done and took a big step. The baby didn't sleep much at all last night so I was dead tired. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Especially since I have to go to AAA and do yet another list of long chores. So cross your fingers for me. VALIDATION I've been thinking a lot about validation lately. And the motivation behind why I do what I do and why I don't do certain things. One of the things I do as a design team member is post my scrapbook layouts to a few sites. I have come to abhor this practice. Mostly because I've noticed that posting my work online anywhere immediately turns me into an obsessed psycho. Once I know it's up there, I hit refresh every five minutes for the next few days just to see if anyone left a comment. And my sun rises and sets with those comments. On the rare occasion when I make it to a top ten or get a special mention, watch me dance. A part of me used to think it's just a silly reaction that comes from lack of confidence (which I have a lot of) but recently I've been thinking about how it's more than that. How it's damaging and how it plays to my insecurities even more so they never heal. There are times I find myself scrapping a certain way (and this is not specific to scrapbooking, I used to write fiction and did the same exact thing back then or with photography) just because I know the community will like it. Just to get the comments. Or the approval. The validation. And, honestly, to me this is a big deal. Everyone has their reasons for scrapping (or for thinking scrapping is stupid, low-class, waste of time. yes, i've heard it all) and I don't judge people who do it for pure art. But, for me, it's about the stories. It's about capturing and pausing life. So I can remember it forever. So I can look back and smile, laugh, cry, appreciate. Cause life is worth remembering. Every part of it. Even the bad bits. So, while I appreciate other people's artsy pages, I want to journal on every single page I make. I want to do it without worrying about how much space it will take and how much the journaling might interfere with the rest of the design. I want to say all that I need to say. I want to be able to look at my page and know that I captured exactly what I wanted (needed) to capture. (Of course, I do like doing artsy things too and use other opportunities for that, like my tags.) Yet, I seek validation nonstop. As soon as a page is finished, I have to show it to Jake. I have to post it on a board somewhere. It's like if someone, somewhere hasn't seen and liked it, it didn't happen. It was the same way with my writing. I'd make Jake read my stories and we'd spend hours fighting about his comments (or lack thereof) and he doesn't even read fiction! So I need to find a way to stop this cycle. I need to learn to trust myself. Trust my pages. Trust that I am doing what I want to do and I don't need someone else to tell me it's beautiful. I don't need someone else to approve. I just need to do what I do and learn that the person whose approval and validation matters is mine. And just mine. So how do I do that? Do I stop posting on the boards altogether? Do I post but ignore the comments (or lack thereof)? Do I just post on my blog? Do I not even do that? I honestly am not sure. But I think the first step is to take a little break from posting elsewhere. My blog only. The second step is to go through all my layouts and figure out which ones I like the most and why. Find my true north. And then make peace with it. After I find what's "me," I think the second step will be deciding what I want from the people "out there." Maybe I want some true criticism or just techniques to learn or just cheering. Depending on what that is, I shall go look for the right community. I think that's the most important step. Finding the right people. Not trying to become something I am not. Not trying to fit into a place that's obviously not right for my goals. But finding the place that's right for me (and I don't mean the superfluous this-is-nice comments either. i don't like giving those and don't want someone to feel like it's a chore they need to fulfill.) So what if there's no such community? Well, then I have two options: post nowhere or create the community I seek. The most important step though is to stop seeking validation. Especially in the wrong places. How can I ask others to value my opinion when I don't value it myself? DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 8 2009   Slow but productive day. Made a few appointments, packed a few boxes, not too much but slow progress. Tomorrow is a big day here, let's see how it goes. PAUSE I'm a doer. I get things done. Across all the jobs I've ever had and all the reviews I got, my managers always agreed on one thing: "Karen gets things done." It's who I am. I make lists and then I execute them. I am one of those people who dots the i's and crosses the t's. I like to see things finished. I love having todo lists and I love crossing the items off. It's what keeps me going. So when something gets in the way of the ability to get things done, I feel very uneasy. I feel out of my power-zone and I get depressed. Quite quickly. That's how things have been here lately. Nathaniel is getting up every two hours at night and he doesn't sleep during the day unless he's in my arms. Which means nothing else is getting done. And I mean nothing. Even on days when I manage to shower, I am rarely out of my nightgown (since it allows the best nursing, I tell myself) and I sit here and stare at the computer most days. And I am depressed. I feel guilty. We're moving in a week and I feel bad for not going through and cleansing like I've been meaning to. I feel bad for David who is officially on summer break and already bored out of his mind. I feel bad for not creating anything. For not having started Nathaniel's scrapbook yet. For not taking photos of anything but my kids. For not going out and enjoying the beautiful California sun. For not making the most of my maternity which I know will pass by so quickly. The list goes on and on. At the end of each day (which is 8pm for me lately) I get sad and depressed and think of all I didn't do. I often tell Jake how horrible I feel. Sometimes I cry. This is when the amazing and wise Jake tells me that I am doing the most important thing that needs to get done right now. I am raising our son. I am feeding him, taking care of him and loving him. This is all I need to do, he tells me. You are exactly where you need to be. he tells me. I love him. I am trying to remind myself that sometimes life requires pauses. Sometimes it's important to slow down. To be in the moment. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I am not getting done. I am reminding myself that life flies by so quickly and this tiny, little creature who needs my help, love, and nourishment will soon grow up and I will miss these days. I will miss them so much. My todo lists will be there when this time passes. I will go back to getting things done. It's what I do and the list of things that need getting done will never end. So it's time to pause. Breathe. And be in the moment. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 7 2009   Another day of blog surfing and baby hugging. Nothing else to report. Happy Sunday. CATALYST 65 - ALL OR NOTHING  Here's my text (an old blog entry): When I was younger, I used to travel in a crowd of beautiful women. I don't know how it happened but all my female "friends" were drop dead gorgeous and within a few weeks, my self-image managed to wither away to nothing. At the time, I started playing a game where each time I caught myself wishing I had someone else's something (like hair or eyes or nose or legs) I would force the issue. I told myself that the rules were such that I wasn't allowed to take body parts or personality traits and plug them into the rest of me. If I liked someone's something, I had to completely change places with that person. Not only did I get their whole body, but I got all their personal issues, emotions, family, psychological state of mind, past, living status, job and anything else you can think of. I basically forced myself to choose between me and this random (or in some cases not so random) person. Yeah, I got to have their small nose or blue eyes, but was I ready to also have their eating disorder? How about the disinterested mom? Was I willing to give up all of who I am to look like this person? It was my way of forcing myself to face the fact that people don't come in pieces. You want a part, you get the whole thing. How do you like them apples? In fifteen years, I've never met one person I was willing to change places with. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't willing to give up certain aspects of who I am of my life or the fact that I tend to favor the known over the unknown. Looking at a woman walking down the street, I can see she has pretty hair or a size-2 figure, but I can't see what goes on in her head or how much she suffers daily. With me, at least I know the hand I am dealt and I know how to live within its limits, when to push it, when to enjoy it. The game's done a lot to improve my self-esteem. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 6 2009   Feeling exceptionally hormonal today. Not sure why. Who even knows why it comes and goes. I have been discovering new blogs and going back to my favorites and reading their old old entries from years ago. I've been inspired and thoughtful. It made me want to write more. read more. think more. expect some entries to come. assuming i can find the time to sit and write. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 5 2009   Quiet day here. David's officially on vacation now so I have to figure out what to do for the summer. I think soccer, swimming and gymnastics classes for him, so he's not bored and I'll make daily schedules for us. Ten more days and we can organize our life a bit better. Let's see. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 4 2009   Here's David playing music to the baby.  A few more small errands today but otherwise trying to take it easy. Nathaniel was up a lot last night so I am resting but not sleeping since he won't let me put him down. Can't believe we're in June already. This year is literally flying by. DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 3 2009   Another relatively good day. I ran errands like IKEA and getting insurance and signing paperwork and calling handymen etc. Nathaniel is sleeping so so. He wakes up every two hours and generally takes 45mins to an hour and a half to go back to sleep. It's enough that I feel ok during the day but not so much that I feel rested. Oh well... DAILY PHOTOS - JUNE 2 2009    And here's one of Nathaniel in the bath. Love those fists.  Good day today! I had my six-week checkup appointment and all is well. I have this weird itch all over which has been driving me crazy so I finally got an appointment so that makes me happy. Nathaniel and I took a walk and then he napped while I cleaned up more. Making a dent now! Daily Photos - June 1 2009  And here's David from this morning with his Buzz Lightyear helmet. He's such a doll!!  Oh, and, rabbit rabbit. |
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