My heart jumps each time the phone rings. Sinks each time it's not "the call."

I check my mail incessantly, hitting refresh in millisecond increments. If I leave home for an errand or go to the bathroom, I travel with all the phones. I rush back to the computer hoping it came in the two minutes I wasn't clicking.

I create the worst possible scenario in my mind and get myself all wound up. Why did I even think it was possible? Who am I kidding really?

I listen to an uplifting song and get my second wind. Maybe not hearing soon is actually a good sign. Maybe this is possible after all. Maybe. Maybe not. Good news travels fast, they say.

Waiting is exponentially more devastating than even the worst possible outcome, sometimes. It's a place where the hopeless and the most hopeful collide, leaving me incapacitated.

And still, there's nothing I can do, but wait.