Sooo Tired
So my little one is still not sleeping. I've read a zillion books on getting your baby to sleep and most of them claim that if he gets his naps in, he sleeps better at night. Ahem. Not. True. There are days David naps perfectly and he still wakes up every two hours. There are days he doesn't nap much at all and he sleeps three hours or more so I'm going to say all those books are...crap!
On the good side, he's healthy and happy as a clam. He smiles these wide, beautiful smiles that engulf you. When he's facing my cheek, he opens his mouth wide and gives me a bite/kiss. His lips are so soft. His tiny hands rest on my chest while he eats and he holds on so tight when I'm carrying him around. He's actually laughing at me several times a day now.
My friend Roni asked me how my life changed since I had David the other day. (I think that's what you asked, right Roni?) Just as I was trying to figure out what to say, David decided he was hungry and I attempted to nurse him in public and when that was a disaster, I had to go home so I never answered her question.
I was telling a friend that it's impossible to prepare for a baby. You think that nine months would be enough to expect the changes a baby will bring to your life, but it's nothing. And I mean NOTHING compared to how much your life really changes once the baby comes. There's no preparation. One day you're two adults who love each other and like to spend time together, the next day you're a family. A little baby that is constantly there, a baby not capable of eating, sleeping or changing himself. A wonderful and scary thing that will NEVER leave. Well, he will, assuming he goes to college. But it will be a long time before he does. And until then he is my responsiblity.
And it's scary. It's hard. It's challenging. It's tiring. I look at him and I wonder when I grew up to be old enough to have a baby. When did I become an adult? Am I screwing this boy up? What if I do? This little, beautiful boy who wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. I owe it to him to make sure his life is full of wonderful moments. Full of joy. Full of love. Compassion and kindness. Curiosity. Hugs. Love. There can never be enough love.
All the parents in my group ask where I get the energy to get through the days since I am not getting any sleep and haven't had a full night of sleep for thirteen months. Fact is, I wake up and I see David each time. I created this little man, and if he takes years to sleep through the night, then I will wake up for years. It's only the beginning of the things I can give him. Hugs in the middle of the night.
After all, it won't be long before he won't let me hug him and I cherish these moments.
So having a baby has changed my life indescribably. It's changed it permanently. And I am thankful for it each and every day!
