| < | > | archives • main |
| < | > | archives • main |
|
Regrets and Risks I've always been hung up on the past. Logically I fully understand the uselessness of getting hung up on the mistakes or bad decisions that have already been made. The idea is that you learn and you move on. My brain often has problems relaying this crucial and sensible information to my mind and emotions. If I ever hurt someone I tend to feel responsible for the rest of my life. I've learned that since I can't let go easily, it's best for me to try most anything such that I won't have to live with regrets. This lesson, of course, doesn't come cheap. Many years ago, as a teenager, I was completely infatuated with a friend who felt the same way about me. For one reason or another, I thought it best not to date him at the time. It completely broke his heart and he no longer wanted to speak with me. Literally to the day I still feel awful about this stupid mistake that I've made over twelve years ago. I still wonder at times how my life would have turned out had I had the guts to date him way back when. It's not to say that I'm not thrilled with how my life turned out. I adore my boyfriend and I don't regret a moment of being with him or with any of my previous ones. I just regret that at the time I wasn't more honest with myself or him about why we couldn't go out and that I never took the chances as they reappeared later on in our lives. He's one of the major reasons I take risks today. I know that I don't want to look back and say "what if" with all the other things in my life. I'd rather try and fail than never try at all. The funny thing is, most likely, had we dated it wouldn't have worked out and we would have broken up not to really ever speak again. Now that we never did, we're pretty good friends. So I spose that would have never happened. But still I cannot help but think all the "what if" scenarios. Especially when I'm home where so many of my mistakes were made. Over here what I do is under the scrutiny of too many people. The small group of people with whom my family associates watches over all of us like hawkes. I was often too scared to take risks. Too scared that I would be judged and alienated even more than I already was. Once I made it to the US, I was suddenly free to do as I pleased. And all the risks were mine to take, the mistakes mine to make. And I'm truly thankful for them. Previously? OCD. |
| ©2005 karenika.com |