I live with guilt twenty-four/seven.

No matter what time of the day or week you catch me, I can list five things I feel guilty about. There are the typical things like the chocolate I ate a few minutes ago, or the exercise I didn't do, or the emails sitting in my inbox. Things that are common to everyone's life. Things that make up New Year's resolutions that never get met. They are such shared experiences that books are written about them, careers are made trying to monetize them, and they even have Hallmark cards about them.

` These pangs of guilt live in the surface of life. The place where you know it doesn't much matter if I ate chocolate half an hour ago or end up a size smaller or bigger next week. I know that the inbox will fill again. I know that the friends will forgive me, and often will be too busy to write back themselves. All it takes to fix these things is admitting that while I would love for these issues to disappear, I don't really want to do the work or sacrifice they will need.

And then there is the big stuff. Spending time with family vs working all hours of the night. Snapping at my husband when I'm pissed at a coworker. Ignoring my kid because I am too tired and don't want to deal with whatever small thing he's frustrated about right then. There are the things that make you pick sides. Living in America vs being near my family. Working vs staying home with David. Things that don't come with right answers. Things that a lot of work might not make go away. Things that are not obvious.

Those are the cases where I wish someone would pull me aside and tell me the secret answers. I know that guilt is a wasted emotion. Yet, I can't help it. I don't want to have to sacrifice one for the others. I want to know that I can love my son and be there for him without taking the frustration out on my husband. I want to spend time with the things I love and my son and get my work done. I want to do a good job of it all.

I think that's why I take so many pictures of David: to prove I was there. I saw those moments, I experienced them. The funny thing is, the camera is the reason I don't end up experiencing them. Capturing the moment and being in the moment are mutually exclusive. At least for me. As much as I love the photos, I end up missing out in a bigger way.

Each time I am in one place, doing one thing, I am feeling guilty about not being in the other place doing the other thing. Guilty that I am not at home feeding him. Guilty that I didn't go to work early and finish my overflowing task list. Guilty that I am reading when it's one of the few hours in the week I get to see my family.

My new plan is to put a stop to all the guilt. Life's too short and maybe I could see more of David if I didn't work so much. And maybe I could be more successful at work if I didn't have a family to go home to. And maybe I could spend more time reading if I didn't have either. But I do. And I love all of them. And I can enjoy all of them. If only I can enjoy the moment I am in instead of the one I'm not getting to experience.

We pick sides all the time. And I am picking mine. I will have it all. Maybe not simultaneously, maybe not even in equal doses at all times. But, even the small doses can be magical if I stop worrying about where I am not and instead enjoy where I am.