I'm a doer.

I get things done.

Across all the jobs I've ever had and all the reviews I got, my managers always agreed on one thing: "Karen gets things done." It's who I am. I make lists and then I execute them. I am one of those people who dots the i's and crosses the t's. I like to see things finished. I love having todo lists and I love crossing the items off. It's what keeps me going.

So when something gets in the way of the ability to get things done, I feel very uneasy. I feel out of my power-zone and I get depressed. Quite quickly.

That's how things have been here lately. Nathaniel is getting up every two hours at night and he doesn't sleep during the day unless he's in my arms. Which means nothing else is getting done.

And I mean nothing.

Even on days when I manage to shower, I am rarely out of my nightgown (since it allows the best nursing, I tell myself) and I sit here and stare at the computer most days.

And I am depressed. I feel guilty. We're moving in a week and I feel bad for not going through and cleansing like I've been meaning to. I feel bad for David who is officially on summer break and already bored out of his mind. I feel bad for not creating anything. For not having started Nathaniel's scrapbook yet. For not taking photos of anything but my kids. For not going out and enjoying the beautiful California sun. For not making the most of my maternity which I know will pass by so quickly.

The list goes on and on.

At the end of each day (which is 8pm for me lately) I get sad and depressed and think of all I didn't do. I often tell Jake how horrible I feel. Sometimes I cry.

This is when the amazing and wise Jake tells me that I am doing the most important thing that needs to get done right now. I am raising our son. I am feeding him, taking care of him and loving him. This is all I need to do, he tells me. You are exactly where you need to be. he tells me.

I love him.

I am trying to remind myself that sometimes life requires pauses. Sometimes it's important to slow down. To be in the moment. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I am not getting done. I am reminding myself that life flies by so quickly and this tiny, little creature who needs my help, love, and nourishment will soon grow up and I will miss these days. I will miss them so much. My todo lists will be there when this time passes. I will go back to getting things done. It's what I do and the list of things that need getting done will never end.

So it's time to pause.

Breathe.

And be in the moment.