I've been feeling kind of off lately. I can't think of a word for it except maybe fragile. I feel small, like I am folding into myself. Not sure what it all means or where it's coming from but here it is.

Tomorrow Nathaniel turns four months old. Most people say that it's the first few months that are hard. Not so for me. This is where it gets hard for me. Four to Seven months.

The thing is, when the baby was born I expected to put my life on hold. I knew he was going to consume all my free moments. He was going to need nutrition, love, and being cared for. Especially since I've done this before with David, I knew it would be overwhelming and all-encompassing. And when Nathaniel came, I dove into it all. I tried to pace myself and keep up a positive attitude. Stuff wasn't getting done, but that was expected so I wasn't feeling sad about it. This was the number one priority for now.

But, now, months passed. I feel myself getting anxious and tired and yearning to get my life back on track. Back to the schedule I was on. Back to getting some "me time" and getting some sleep. I am starting work soon and I am worried it might all come crashing down.

This is the time I start getting depressed because it feels like there will never be light at the end of the tunnel. This is when I can't even remember my life before and I feel like I will never sleep again or do anything for myself again. That overwhelming drowning feeling sweeps in.

I know it will pass. I know he will sleep. I know I will too. But, right now, it just seems so far away.