Just Woke Up When he wakes up from a nap, regardless of how short or long, David's cheeks are red and his face is puffy and has this dazed look on it. After a few minutes, he comes back to life and starts laughing and being his usual self but for those few moments he's this little boy who is utterly confused by his surroundings.

Dichotomy
I feel like most of the up and downs of my life come out of the dichotomies that I create. I talk myself into one thing and then I feel horrible about it so I do ahead and do the opposite and then feel terrible about that. I would like to be thinner and fit into such clothing but every time I go on a diet, I think about how life is short and why the fuck shouldn't I be able to eat whatever I want. Then I get frustrated and hate life when I can't buy the clothes I want because I ate that stupid piece of chocolate.

I want to be able to book more photo sessions and have a lot of clients but then I get sad that I am so booked that I don't have time to do other things I love like read and relax. I want to sign up David for some of the mom and baby courses so he gets to interact with other children but then each time we go to one of those things, he cries all the way there and all the way home. Sometimes he even acts grouchy there. So then I wonder should I have stayed home with him afterall. I want to sleep more but I feel like I am wasting time. I want my work environment to be more intellectually stimulating sometimes but then I don't want to sacrifice the other parts of my life like time with David. I want to keep writing this site every single day. I think about it constantly. I want to keep up on my email and take the time to keep in touch with my friends. But I don't want to give up any of the other things that take up all my life and time.

I am constantly plagued by thoughts of one of these struggles. The even more frustrating part is that I am never happy with the option I choose because each time, while I execute the one I picked, I am thinking of the other one, the consequences of the one I picked. The pants I won't be able to wear because of the chocolate I am eating, the chocolate I don't get to eat because I want to fit in the pants. The life I don't get to have, the life I long for. It's just that I partly always feel like I am missing out. Like I am cheating a part of me.

Not exactly sure how to get out of the loop. I guess the idea is to pick one and just be content with it. But I honestly don't know how.

The last ten days have been a bit of a struggle in the sleep department. He finally got over his cold and infection and he was taking 2-2.5 hour naps in the morning and then suddenly he went back to 45 minutes. He did that the weekend before so I figured it was just a weekend thing but he did the same thing on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Short little naps make for one cranky boy. Today, he finally slept about 1 hour and a half and felt so much better. But then he cried all the way to the playgroup in the car and all the way back home. he was perfectly happy at the group so I was so confused about the car crying. Until I looked in his mouth tonight. What do you know? His bottom teeth seem to have appeared. Heh.