Another quote I saved from "How to be an Adult:"

In a relationship, this may mean that both parties do not choose to use the same freedoms or limitations. For example: You feel great pain when I form outside relationships, even though they are not sexual. I feel no pain at all about your outside relating. To be fair, both of us have equal latitude in this area. To be compassionate, I give up the exercise of my right since it triggers so much hurt in you - without asking you the same in return. Meanwhile with compassion for me, you have committed yourself to working in therapy on your fear and jealousy so thaat eventually i can related to others with no consequence to you." The "double standard" refers to moral issues but not to consciously compassionate relationships.

I am a firm believer that relationships are never exactly 50-50. Sometimes one person gives more and other times vice versa. This is what keeps the balance together. This means when I'm having a horrible day, it's ok for me to ask for 75% and I won't have to feel like I am being unreasonable just like I can offer 85% on a day when I'm great and he's not. For me, this applies to friendships as well.

The above quote is a similar scenario in my opinion. Two people are never exactly the same. They had different pasts, different upbringing, carry different residual pain and frustration. People's past tends to affect who they become and what they view as right/ wrong. Therefore, the list of things that bother me in a relationship and the list of things I don't care about one way or another could be drastically different than the one my loved one compiled over the length of his life.

I believe it's crucial to treat each person like they are an individual with their own priorities, thus it's unfair to set rules/ guidelines for a relationship that are always exactly equal. The quotes example speaks to me perfectly. I think there are two crucial keys to make this work.

1. You need to communicate. If you don't tell me that something bothers you, you can't blame me for doing it. Over and over again. I am not here to read your mind. I can't do it and you shouldn't expect me to. Stand up for yourself, be honest and kindly explain to me that something upsets you and maybe even try to explain why if you can. Trust me that I will listen and I will care. I won't judge. There's a reason you picked me to share your life with.

2. I need to willingly give up the exercise of my right. Regardless of our relationship, I am a free person. I can say and do whatever I want, anytime I want. Being in a relationship means I exercise the right to not do many things because our relationship is more important to me than those things. I choose not to do them, not because you said I can't but because I respect you and choose not to hurt you. The choice has to be mine or it will feel like a chore and it will soon give rise to resentment and anger: two things that can kill a relationship quickly or slowly but definitely painfully.

I guess it can be summarized like this: "Tell me what you think and trust me that I will do my best to respect you."

I used to be very immature and force the people who loved me to do a particular thing (or, often, not to do it) and it took me many painful years but I learned that you can't force anyone to do or be anything. You can admit that people are different with differing needs. You can share your fears and worries and hope like crazy that the person you are with loves you enough to work on them with you or is patient enough to wait it through while you're working on them yourself.