Warning: pet peeve follows

I've discovered that most people aren't really interested in discussing ideas.

Many of the people I've met in the last six years seem to already have formed opinions and gear their conversations towards recruiting for "their way." I feel like most people don't' listen when they're in the middle of a conversation with someone else. While of course it's doesn't help if they feel extremely strongly about the subject matter, it doesn't even have to be something they're emotional about. People seem to be strongly invested in their beliefs and ideas. Considering the big world we live in and the rate at which everything around us changes, this strikes me as odd.

In today's world, I always have to reconstruct my ideas and opinions about things. What might have appeared as obvious to me yesterday becomes really complicated today. I think that being surrounded by tons of people gives me the huge luxury of having different perspectives on issues, daily. I also feel like each person has a different, yet just as significant point of view about life.

Who am I to say my opinions are the right ones? Who am I to say my morals are the right ones?

I think most things in life aren't as clear-cut as I, a person with a very mathematical mind, would like them to be. By sticking to my own opinions with a closed mind, I'd miss out way too much in life. I also feel like this means I don't value other people's experiences, which takes me back to "who makes me the boss of it all?"

I think if more people listened to each other instead of coming into a conversation or situation with a preconceived agenda, it would make life a lot more pleasurable. Maybe that's why I'm not particularly fond of many politicians. I feel like they already have their mind set up. For a person who's job is to represent a group of individuals to not listen to each individual seems really counter-productive, or even downright rude. I understand that the mechanics of listening to each individual might be unrealistic to manage, but we all know what you make out of u and me when you assume. And if you are too busy convincing everyone else to think like you, are you truly representing them?

Besides the conceitedness of assuming "my way is the right way" I'd also hate the idea of everyone thinking exactly like me. How incredibly boring would life be if everyone thought the same way I did? Really boring. Trust me.

I guess I just wish people would respect the fact that we all go through different experiences in life and we all have differing significant contributions we can bring to the table when discussing an issue. The more information I hear about an issue, the more informed my choices can be. And maybe I am naive but at least I listen.

So I really don't understand why some people even bother having a conversation with others when they already formed all their opinions on the subject matter. Why waste your time and mine?

pet peeve over

I like to mess with people's minds.

I am not willing to fit into the boxes people are so ready to place me in. (yes, I know it's bad to end a sentence with a preposition and I don't care.) I am not willing to play along just so they can simplify their own definitions of the world and its people. I am not willing to be a representative of anything but myself. I am not all women. I am not all Turkish people. I am not all managers. I am not all anything. I am only me and I am not generic. (wow, Rony would be proud.)

I curse. I tell people that I am going to 'pee' or that 'I have my period' just to see their reaction to the words being uttered. I have true male friends. I hate to shop. I am overly emotional and extremely analytical all in one. I can be incredibly mean and truly compassionate. I say it like I see it. I don't fuck around or play games with people. I like to wear heels. I am clumsy and not dainty. I am not your typical woman. I don't believe in the existence of a typical woman. While I understand that stereotypes exist for a reason, I am frustrated by the way in which people use them to make people feel alienated.

When I moved to the United States there were several circumstances in which people assumed I'd like a particular food because I was Jewish. Examples? Bagels and Chinese food. I had never had the former and hated the latter. Expectations lead to disappointment. And I've spent too many years not meeting other people's expectations of me.

So now I fuck with them.

I say it out loud. I do it in public. I force the judgmental people in my life to face their incorrect assumptions. It is my punishment for their not taking the time to get to know me as a person. If you're placing me in the same box as everyone else, if you're going to be lazy, you deserve it.

If there's one common theme across all my friendships, it's that these people aren't simple. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't have layers. Some hide it better than others but all humans are less simple than we often assume. And I am tired of other people making the call on what I should and should not do. What's okay for me to feel. What's acceptable for me to say. What's acceptable for me to think.

The sad thing is we all do it in some way. We all have assumptions about categories of human beings and we all categorize humans, as an intelligent commenter noted earlier this month. But what we don't do is to rethink it. We don't work all that hard to get to know an individual. We don't allow for people to be multi-faceted, living in multiple boxes, having multiple sides.

Somewhere in our childhood, the norms become clearly defined and straying from the norm becomes a sign of abnormality, and therefore, inferiority. The funny thing is that by the time we're adults, almost all of us have strayed from the norm in one way or another. For many years, I've handled my abnormalities with a sense of shame and downplayed them as much as possible.

Not anymore. Somewhere along the line, I decided that 'I'm me and if you don't like it, tough' and I've also decided that what makes me me are those abnormalities. Those exceptions to the rules. So I wear them with pride and mess with people's assumptions. That's my way of letting them know it's not okay to categorize and then chastise people for not fitting in.

I am so much more than a category. Aren't you?

Previously? Jitters.

Want to know a quick way to get someone to fail on a task?

Tell them it has to be perfect.

Perfection by its nature is near impossible to reach. Perfect. Flawless. Impeccable. As soon as I hear those words I can almost see the pressure. The stress. If everyone reached perfection the definition of perfection would change. It would become ordinary. I know that as a meaning, the word perfection doesn't exclude repetition. It doesn't imply doing better than others or being the best at something. It merely means doing that thing without any flaw. That's all.

But who defines something as perfect? When is a painting perfect? Is Monet perfect? What about Boticelli? How about a musical piece or a book. When is a movie perfect? To me, perfection in any of those categories is a personal opinion and varies too much to be able to pin down. I can even say that people disagree every day on what qualifies as perfect computer code. Two functions that do the same thing can have extremely different code and one might be perfect for some people while the other is perfect for others. People have fights over this daily. And I am of the belief that anything that's hard to define is hard to achieve.

I can almost hear some people saying, "So what are you saying, should we all just try hard enough but never aim for perfection?" Well, hard enough is also a difficult term to define. First of all, the amount you choose to push/challenge yourself is and should always be your own call. No one but you can get you to do the things you want to do. Secondly, I'm not telling you not to aim high or not to do the best you can, I'm just saying that when you're working on a story and you've rewritten the story eleven times just to fix a single sentence, maybe it's time to take another approach: cut the sentence out or leave it as is.

I find perfection to be highly overrated. There's beauty in imperfection just the same way as there is in perfection. Most things in nature are slightly imperfect and somehow it feels more right to me. Perfection seems to inhuman, too calculated, like someone trying too hard. And too often it ends in disaster.

I think most people know their limit. They may never admit to it or show it to others, but we have a good understanding of how far we can go. I'd say combine that knowledge with how hard you're willing to push.

It may not result in perfection but, it sure is close enough.

Previously? Brown Thumbs.

I don't do well with obligations.

No, not the type you're supposed to do for work. I have no problem showing up for work every morning, well every morning that I am supposed to show, which for me is three days a week. I have no problem showing up to meetings. I have no problem delivering what I possibly can when I said I would.

I also don't mean school-related obligations. I complete my assignments on time. I attend each class. I listen, speak up and ask questions. Nor do I mean obligations that include paying bills, feeding the birdie, etc.

What I'm referring to are obligations of one person to another. Unwritten rules. The kind that require a person to act towards another in a manner opposing their actual feelings toward that person. The kind that makes you act, in Elaine Benes's wise words: fake, fake, fake, fake, fake.

"You really should give her a call? She's expecting it."

"We can't do that! We have obligations."

"She invited you, you really should invite her."

I don't like the idea that someone would invite me to an event out of obligation. Furthermore, I despise the idea that I should behave in a certain manner just because it's 'the right thing to do.'"

I understand that there are cases where you do things that you may not like. At work you are at times respectful towards people you might not have a ton of respect for. At a friend's house, even if you see her parents behave inappropriately, you act appropriately and don't meddle in family business. We already have a ton of obligations that we don't have control over, do we really need to fill up the rest of our life fulfilling unnecessary obligations?

I don't like the idea of calling a friend because I have to. I don't like the idea of sending a Christmas card because it's wrong not to. I don't like the idea of inviting people to my wedding cause it will appear rude if I don't. I don't like the idea of having to call or even talk to anyone I don't particularly like.

Life's too short to worry about doing everything right. It's too short to spend your energy on people you don't care about. Why do I have to waste my precious time being sweet to people I don't care about and ones who don't care about me? Why couldn't everyone just be honest to each other? Aren't there enough people to genuinely care about?

I don't mean that you should be malicious to anyone. I just don't think we should say things we don't mean. Or invite people that we'd rather not. It just doesn't seem right that I should waste my time with the fake worries. The fake hellos. The fake smiles. The fake thank yous. Where it's obvious neither party really gives a crap.

Because then it's not fair to the people I really do care about.

Previously? Growing Up.

He brings home the bread money.

She does the cleaning and the laundry.

She cooks and he does the dishes.

If we hear a scary noise in the middle of the night, he gets up to see what it is.

When the baby cries in her sleep, she gets up cause daddy's gotta go to work the next day.

He proposes, she accepts.

He's successful; she's caring and considerate.

She's thin and pretty.

He'll protect the child when other kids are mean to him.

She'll make him chicken soup and kiss his boo-boos.

She'll want babies and he'll have a son.

He'll never cry, he'll be strong for the both of them.

She's been planning her wedding day since she was a little girl.

He doesn't understand the difference between mauve and puce.

He watches football and she likes figure skating.

He handles the money.

She's sentimental, he's reasonable.

I am so glad we live in the 21st century.

Previously? Personality Change.

"Sure" is officially one of my least favorite words.

At least one of its uses, that is. I have absolutely no problems with it when it's used in the following context:

"Are you positive John's going to show up to work tomorrow?"

"I am 100% sure."

Or

"Are you sure that was Jenny with James?"

"Absolutely"

Using the word sure to mean 'confident' doesn't aggravate me. But then there are these cases:

"Do you want to go out to dinner after work?"

"Yeah, sure."

Or

"Is it okay if I bring Ellen along?"

"Sure, sure."

To normal people, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the above sets of dialogue. But, they drive me absolutely mad. I've noticed this unnerving sensation a while ago and couldn't put my fingers on the exact source of the problem. Then, last night, it hit me: I don't like the non-committal undertone of the word. I think it's ironic that even though the actual meaning of 'sure' is 'certain' which is a strong, absolute emotion, it's often used in cases where one's trying to say "it's fine" or "I don't mind" neither of which are confident phrases.

You might think I'm insane, and it might even be true, but I seem to be surrounded by people who are using 'sure' in that very context, continuously. Since I'm an opinionated person, one would think I'd like to be surrounded by people who are easygoing. Amazingly, that's not the case. I like people who stand for something. Even something as stupid as what sort of movie to see or where to eat dinner. To me "sure, sure" sounds like someone who's going along with what I say. Someone with no preferences or opinions of his own.

It just sounds so wishy-washy.

Or maybe I've gone mad.

I could tell you stories on how "interesting" is climbing up the charts, too, but I think I've said enough for today.

Previously? Living.

We all have opinions. I don't know when it begins, but we form opinions really early on in our lives. A while back, I talked about how, by the time we go to elementary school, most of us have a theory on how the world works and how teachers should not assume that students enter school with a blank slate. The same rule, I think, applies to opinions. Somewhere along the line, we hear someone else's opinion, we read a newspaper article, we watch a TV program, or possibly an amalgamation of all three.

Depending on the issue, and how much we care about it, our opinion can be well thought out or superficial. If we're passionate about the issue, we dig deeper. We read voraciously, we follow the progress of the subject matter and make sure our opinions are up to date and we use every opportunity to bring our opinions up in conversation. Sometimes, we argue an issue when we're not even well educated on it, but my beef today is not with those people.

Today, I have a word or two for the people who care about an issue and have done their homework on it. People who're thick in the mud of it. People who claim they are well acquainted and passionate about a topic. These people are intelligent. They often are passionate and care about the issue, but just as often they are so deep into their own beliefs that they have stopped listening to others long ago.

These are people who glance at a few lines of the opponents' article just so they can lift one or two sentences and attack them. They don't care if the sentence is taken out of context. They don't even care if it's an outright lie. They are only concerned with their own agenda and they use everyone and everything to further their cause.

I have absolutely no respect for such individuals.

I've also previously talked about people's listening skills, or lack thereof. Most of us are busy preparing our replies before the other person even finishes his statement. This is even truer in the case of people with strong opinions or agendas, the ones I mention above. People who claim that they are speaking for women's rights or for minority rights or any other equally 'touchy' subjects. Each time I hear or read about a case when a woman, claiming she's a feminist, start berating men for being men, I cringe. I am embarrassed that such a person represents my gender and feels like she can speak on behalf of women everywhere.

Personally, she can never speak for me.

I think what matters most in life is not that we have opinions or that they are right or wrong (not that there is such a thing when we're talking about an opinion). What matters is that we're open-minded and that we never lose sight of the issue. We should be careful when we listen to our allies and even more careful when we listen to our opponents. I believe that the more dignified person always wins. Not that this is a race. But in the end, we only have our integrity.

Next time you disagree with someone, I recommend you listen or read twice as carefully. Who knows? You might even learn something.

Ps: Apologies for the preaching tone today, I guess I am slightly peeved.

Previously? Uninspired.

Ignorance is not bliss.

A while back I wrote about the importance of letting go, or temporarily ignoring, issues that come up in a relationship, especially the not-so-important ones. I still believe in the necessity of not making a mountain out of every little detail.

The ignorance I'm talking about here is in a completely different context.

I'm referring to the world and community in a bigger scale. I'm talking about issues such as education, recycling, racism, preserving our forests, world peace and much more. Many of us operate within the thought patterns of "If it's not affecting me directly, I don't need to do anything about it." We blissfully ignore problems that fall outside our own community, our daily lives.

If we don't fall in the above category, we often fall in the other major one. There are many of us who acknowledge and understand the severity of some of the problems facing the world. Some of us even take the time to educate ourselves about them. Yet most of us do nothing about it. We use the excuse that the problems are too big for one person to resolve. We hide behind the historical evidence of people who've tried unsuccessfully.

It's much easier to ignore than to have tried and failed.

But this is our world. These issues, however much you might feel don't affect you today, might become crucial in your life tomorrow. You might not care about education in America until you have a child who ends up in the public school system. You might have never considered the difficulties faced by a handicapped person until, by some terrible misfortune, you or a loved one becomes handicapped.

And then there are those whose effects we might never see firsthand. You might never realize the full disastrous outcomes of deforestation or global warming since they might take years, decades, or sometimes centuries. Does that mean you shouldn't do all you can to stop these from getting out of hand? Do you not care about the effects it might have on your grandchildren, or great-grandchildren?

It's true that some of these issues might take centuries and hundreds, or even hundreds of thousands, of people to resolve. Some might never get resolved. Does that mean we shouldn't even try? While we might not avert the potential disaster, we might be able to put it off for another hundred centuries, by which time science might allow for us to have the answers.

Or we might not. Maybe they will never get better. Maybe we're doomed to have racism or mediocre education.

Or maybe we're not.

We will never know till we try. Every movement starts with the first step. And you cannot take the first step if you're ignoring the issues.

For me, it's time to hit the books, the news, the essays. Anything to educate myself on the problems. Once I know the problems, I might be able to come up with answers.

For me, it's time to stop looking the other way.

Previously? Know It All.

I'm fed up with cynicism.

I didn't really encounter large doses of cynicism until I came to the United States. In college, when people acted bitter and negative, I kept looking for reasons. I couldn't understand why a teenager, attending a decent college with a healthy body and a caring family would have reason to be so scornful. What had already happened in his life to make him so distrustful and so full of hatred?

My childhood, while not uneventful, was pretty decent compared to how it could have been. We had ups and downs but no major calamities. I lived through a divorce and a remarriage, way too much teasing for a soul like mine to handle, and a constant lack of belonging. But I never turned bitter. I'm not asking for a pat in the back. I had other emotions to deal with. I was sad to the point of misery. I chose to run away, leaving behind a family I adored and starting my life all over again. It just never occurred to me to be a cynic.

So for the longest time, I kept thinking that these people must have had a much more miserable life than I had had and that I had no right to judge how they dealt with it. It wasn't like I'd dealt with my issues maturely. Running away hardly deserved praise.

Now that years have passed, I've decided that just like running away, cynicism is total crap. It's useless to the person who hides behind it and to the world in general. Talk about a wasted emotion.

Just like running away, a cynical attitude is a copout. It's choosing to hide behind a mask that will be used as an excuse not to take any responsibility. It's taking the easy way out.

It's so much easier to sit there and complain. It's so much easier to distrust. It's so much easier to hide behind the protective walls of anger.

I've come to believe that having faith is a much harder emotion than lacking it. Not in the religious sense, though that case might apply too, but in the day-to-day interactions. Expecting a person to cross you gives you an excuse to feel justified when the person does, intentionally or not, end up doing something that's not in your favor. When kicked, it's so much simpler to say "See I told you so?" or "What's the point of getting up when I'll end up back down here again?"

What's hard is picking yourself up and trying again. What's hard is trusting others. What's hard is smiling and being happy. Believing in yourself. Believing in others. Believing that there is still so much you can do for the world and having the courage to try.

Recently, I was telling my manager about my intentions of starting a non-profit organization and he kept telling me that it was a waste of my time, my passion, and my intelligence. He said that I can't change the world. I looked at him and simply replied, "You're wrong."

What if everyone felt the way he did?

It's easy to be cynical. It's hard to give it all you got.

I dare you to be happy. I dare you to trust others. I dare you to drop your mask and put yourself out there. I dare you to give it all you got.

I double-dare you.

Previously? More Than Genes

There's a thin line between humble and self-deprecating.

Here's a multiple choice test for you:

A friend who hasn't seen you in a while runs in to you and exclaims, "My God, you look absolutely fabulous!"

You say:

a)Oh, no, not really. I still have so much weight to lose and my roots are growing out.
b)Thank You.
c)I do, don't I?

If you picked "c", we need not be talking as your problems tend to be in the other extreme. If, on the other hand, you're a fan of option "a", I urge you to change your habits.

In the last few months I've learned that if you say something often enough, people start believing it.

There's nothing wrong with taking compliments and there's nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. One of the guys I work with always goes around saying how his wife is so much more wonderful than he is and how lucky he is to have her. On the way to the subway, today, I was telling him how he should stop saying that.

"But, she is," came the answer.

"That's not the point. I'm sure she's wonderful and you are really lucky to have her. But there's no need to compare yourself to her. There's no need to undermine your own worth. It doesn't somehow make her more wonderful if you suck."

He nodded his head thoughtfully and said that he saw my point.

I understand that it's hard to get your mind away from such thoughts if you really don't think so well of yourself, but it really causes others to feel similarly about you.

I used to talk about how fat I was every day. At first my friends told me the usual, "Come on, you're not fat," stuff. A few months later, I remember asking a friend about a pair of pants and she crinkled her nose and said, "this makes you sort of fat in the thighs."

That's when I realized that thanks to me and my insistence, my friends has started seeing me as what I kept telling them I was.

While going around tooting your own horn is not the wisest thing in the world, neither is bashing yourself continuously.

Cause anything, when heard enough times, starts sounding believable.

Previously? Big Words.

Attitude is everything. And words can be your most powerful ammunition.

During my several counseling and teaching jobs in college, I've often been taught to be careful with my words. There is a mountain of difference between saying, "Did you understand me?" and "Was I able to explain myself clearly?"

I'm not suggesting that you be fake or hide what you actually feel, just that a small bit of paraphrasing might help you reach your goal quicker and also spare a few folks' feelings. Instead, many people choose to make completely unconstructive remarks that have the added benefit of being useless.

Here's one I read recently: "It's all crap."

Wow, thank you for that well thought out comment, fella. I know exactly what you mean.

Actually, I don't. What do you mean?

I hate it when people say it's "bad" or it "sucks." To be completely honest, I don't like it when people overuse the word "good" either. I don't want to sound like your English teacher, but those adjectives mean nothing. What if you ask me whether I like your site and I say, 'It's good."

Are you feeling good, now? Cause you shouldn't. "It's good" either means that I didn't like it and was trying to be cordial or, probably worse, I didn't even visit it. Had I been to your site, I could tell you how the tone of green you chose for your link works well with the dark blue text and that I love the font in your name. I might tell you that I think your font is too small and makes the page slightly unreadable or that there is too much text on the screen. But saying it's "good" is just a way to brush you off. It means I don't care. It means I think your site is so bad that it can't be salvaged.

Tiny little words with so much power. The response you'd get from taking a small minute to reconstruct your sentence. The effort you put into details. Why not give it a try and see if you find the responses as intoxicating as I do. There are few more wonderful things in the world than truly helping out someone else, even in the smallest way.

So maybe it's time to start using your words.

Previously? One For All.

When was the last time you took a look at your own life and revisited some of the choices you made?

Time passes so quickly, especially when you're busy, that many of us get caught up in the day-to-day life and never take the time to sit back and look at the big picture. We never take a breath and say "Am I in the job I've always dreamt of?" or "What kind of compromises have I made and have I made them consciously?"

Anne Tyler's new novel has a main character who wakes up one morning and realizes that her life has completely gone off track. She sits back and starts envisioning what sort of life she would have had had she not derailed back when she did.

Another recent book I read talks about how a frog will jump back out when thrown into a boiling point of water, but how if you put the frog in cold water and then heat the water slowly it will sit there forever, until he's fully cooked.

Both made me think of how we lose track of things so quickly and rarely take the time to take a peek at the big picture. This applies to most anything in our daily life: relationships, career, friendships, priorities, etc. Unless some major disaster occurs, many people live the days one day at a time and try to make it through that one day without too much grief. Once the day's over, we're all too relieved to have made it.

These books made me think and try to take a big picture look at my life. Especially since I've been thinking and planning some major changes in my life, I decided it was crucial to take a look at my life and how much of it is a result of my actively trying versus just falling into the situation. This way, as I plan the next steps of my life, I can take the effort and moment to ensure I can get back on the road or consciously make the derailed path my new choice.

It's completely fine to change your ideas, priorities and even mind. You're welcome to want to travel the world one day and get married the next. You can move from being a programmer to a musician and then go study psychology. You can date men and then women. Anything and everything is conceivable and most things are not beyond the realm of possibility in life.

Just as long as you don't let life drag you along. Take control of your life. Make it what you want it to be. Let your decisions be conscious.

Lead the Way.

"I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen." -Ernest Hemingway

At the end of my theories of personality class, our teacher asked the class which of the six theorists we studied, (Freud, Adler, Sullivan, Skinner, Jung, and Rogers) we would choose.

A few students raised their hands and told their preferences. Most of the choices depended on the specific problem that the student assumed to be facing. For example, if one suffers from a phobia, Skinner might be a good choice since he worked with many phobics.

I said I would have liked to go to Carl Rogers.

Not to just any Rogerian, but Rogers himself. Even though there are many aspects to Rogers' theories that I enjoy, he had a specific trait, or maybe we can say a gift, that most practicing Rogerians don't have.

He knew how to listen.

There are videotapes from sessions Carl Rogers held with a patient. In the tape one can see that to Rogers, at that moment, all that matters in the world is that very patient and the words he or she is uttering. Rogers knew how to utterly and completely listen to another human being.

How often do people do that? And I don't mean 'pay attention', I mean truly listen.

Most often as the other person talks, we're formulating our answer, thinking of something completely different like a problem at work or an important to-do, or even simply tuning out. Most of us never bother to scratch deeper than the surface of a conversation, especially if it doesn't directly involve us.

I don't mean to say we're selfish or that we don't care. I just think that most of us are usually thinking of too many things at once, so we don't really concentrate on one particular thing at a time. It's certainly possible to listen to a friend while making a grocery list in one's head. And I don't mean just nod, but listen enough to be able to recite the words back to the person. But is that really listening?

When was the last time a certain person or conversation had your full attention? And I mean 100%. Being listened to is an incredible rush. You can definitely tell when someone's listening and not just hearing. When the person is fully there with you and you're not only their number one priority but their only priority for that moment in time.

Somehow we tend to do that when we're in the process of making new friends or falling in love. Since it's a completely new environment we tend to be 'all there' and we have very few assumptions since we don't know the other party well enough to assume. So we listen. We really listen.

I decided that I want to do more listening. What I can learn from really listening to one person is exponentially more rewarding than simply hearing the words of a hundred people.

Previously? Slow.

You're bad at receiving criticism.

How do you tell someone that? If they're really bad at receiving criticism, doesn't that mean they won't react well to the above sentence?

I don't like it when people ask my opinion and I have solid reasons for it: I am very opinionated and I think a lot so I'm more likely to have an opinion than not. I am really honest and I suck at sugarcoating.

All of which would have been great if you really wanted to know my opinion.

But you don't.

What you want is affirmation that whatever you're showing me or telling me is great. You want to hear "nice job" or "that looks great!" And I'm not your guy. (Well, girl in this case)

I don't mean that the feedback and its presentation aren't important. What you say and how you say it are both extremely crucial. When I first stared writing, I'd want to know everyone's opinion right away. I'd hand my short story over to Jake and watch him like a puppy as he read my words. One negative feedback and I'd blow up immediately.

First of all, I wasn't really ready for feedback. I was way too emotionally attached to my piece to hear anything negative about it. On top of that Jake wasn't really my audience since he rarely reads short works of fiction. And mostly because of that, even if he didn't like parts of my piece, he couldn't tell me why. Which of course frustrated me even more.

With the possible exception of my writing, I ask for people's opinion often and I always want to know the truth. I don't just want to know what you don't like. I want to know why and I'd even love to hear suggestions on how to fix it. I just think that if you give me some thoughtful feedback, I know you really cared and took the time to look at it.

And it's certainly true that the best way to give negative feedback is to sandwich it between good ones. But no matter how caring you are, there are no correct words to tell someone who's not ready to hear feedback.

So next time you want to know someone's opinion on something, make sure you're ready to hear the truth.

And if you just want reaffirmation, admit it.

Previously? Lack of Knowledge.

Humility is learned.

None of us are born knowing that we're supposed to hate Milli Vanilli, New Kids on the Block, Britney or Christina. It's something we pick up from snide comments people utter when we mention them in the list of our favorite singers. (Not to be interpreted literally, as these are not my favorite singers, not that there's anything wrong with them.)

A friend once told me that she snuck in to Walmart when no one was looking. She said normally she wouldn't be caught dead in there. I stare at her but spare my words. She's just the type of person who'd bring a Tiffany's baby spoon to a baby shower. So Walmart's not cool, Target's not cool. K-Mart is definitely out.

Jake and I spent one of our most fun days in a Walmart down in Florida. We walked up and down the aisles, playing with the toys, buying legos, silly putty, soap bubbles and many more fun stuff. God forbid, my friend had seen us there.

Another pattern I see often is people bragging about not reading Bestsellers. I never read anything on the bestseller list, I'm so cool. There's a long list of unacceptable writers any literary person would be glad to inform you of. (ending your sentences with a preposition? Way uncool.) Same goes for the movies, of course. Good God, I'd never watch a major motion picture, only small artsy movies are good enough for me.

Just like mass audience approval doesn't make a movie or book amazing, it also doesn't make it awful.

For me, it's gotten to a point that saying you wouldn't be caught dead reading a Grisham novel makes me think less of you than if you claimed you adore Grisham. I hate that people think they are allowed to judge others and saying you wouldn't be caught dead doing something is totally judging others, even if it's not explicit.

I wish we lived in a world where others wouldn't tell you what to do. From the time we go to school we're taught which writers to read. We're taught which painters to like. Critics decide which movies we should see and what Broadway shows are the best of the year. And these are just the obvious set. There's peer pressure, which is the worst. So is parental influence. And the list goes on and on.

I wish we'd never be taught to be embarrassed of who we are. Of having our own taste, whether it be Grisham or Joyce.

I read bestsellers and see blockbuster movies, just the same way I read books that are considered literary works and movies that are artsy. And I'm proud of it!

And I love Walmart.

Previously? Six Degrees.

In my house, we had no unexplained rules. My parents often had decent reasons for the household rules and any new ones had to be justified. It might seem condescending to imply that my parents had to back up their decisions but I believe their behavior instilled very sound seed in my and my sister's personalities.

I've always tried to have sound reasons for my actions. More importantly, I've always paid attention to the reasons behind my actions. Before I did something, I'd think about why I wanted to do it. As an overly emotional person, I know it's extra crucial for me to make sure I stop and think before I act or decide.

But this is not about whether I think before I do or not. It's more about for whom I do it.

I've met many people who make decisions based on other people's criteria. People who choose careers because of popular demand. People who wear a certain type of clothing cause their crowd thinks highly of them. People who decide to lose weight cause someone makes a comment. People who move to another part of the world to follow a person they love. People who change their personality to fit in better.

I'm sure most of us are guilty of one kind of such decision making at one point in out lives. Fitting in is such an integral part of living in a society.

Having said that, I also hope that we all grow up and figure out our mistakes. The fact is doing something for others is never a good idea. In some cases it's a blaming disaster waiting to happen, in others, it's even worse.

I have friends who have chosen their college majors on what their families decided for them. They finish college and a few years later, they finally face the fact that they never wanted to do this in the first place. Now at a minimum four years of life has been lived satisfying their parents' wishes, possibly even more. These people consistently have a hellish time trying to figure out what they want at that point, cause they never thought about it when other people were busy doing so.

In the cases where people follow a loved one around the world or change weight/hair/clothing for others, all it does is mask the actual issue. And by the time, the person realizes what's going on, it becomes the other party's fault, ruining the entire relationship.

You should do things for yourself. Pick a career you know would make you happy. Or meet your goals whatever they might be. Lose weight cause you are ready to and you want to. Change your hair color cause you want to try something else, not cause your friend said you'd look better blonde. This way not only will you think about your actions more, but you'll be secure with your decisions.

And you'll have no one to blame.

Oh, and, hi Ryan! =)

Previously? Nice People.

I hate nice people.

Is hate too strong a word? Ok, let me try again.

Nice people make my skin crawl.

People aren't nice by nature. We all have good sides and bad sides. If you ever meet people who claim they've never harbored negative thoughts, I guarantee you that they're lying. Or even worse, they might be fooling themselves.

I am in the process of dealing with someone who is nice. He is so nice that he never challenges anything. He won't give his opinion on the matter discussed. He sits on the corner and nods. When asked if he agrees he will utter "we'll see."

I hear those little words and my brain translates them to, "I know it's a stupid idea but I'll wait until you fail so I can rub it in your face." Which, of course, drives me absolute bananas. This way, he never says anything so his ideas can't be wrong and those of us who put ourselves out there by presenting our thoughts are open for criticism. And he never said anything, so he is not mean or difficult.

And I feel bad talking to him cause what am I to say? He didn't bash the idea. If I ask him to express an opinion, he says, "I will when I have a strong one." So I feel like yelling, but I bite my lips. What has he done wrong?

Nice people force you to become mean. Since decisions have to be made, the complacent person forces the other person to dominate. You are the one who has to resolve matters. It might sound like it's fun to make all the decisions but trust me, it gets old.

Being so utterly nice is a copout. It's making sure that others decide for you. That others take the risks and possibly face the consequences. It also means that the complacent person is suppressing the negative thoughts, which often come out in forms of major lashing out. Even if it doesn't, it still annoys the crap out of everyone else.

Even before I met this person, I used to hate nice people. It's so incredibly fake to be so very fucking nice. I'm not saying don't be considerate. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being understanding, courteous, and kind. But there are times when you need to say your opinions. Times where you disagree. It's human to have your own thoughts and feelings.

Have a spine for God's sake!

Previously? People We Choose.

I've never been good with using the right words when I have to.

As my friend Jessica would fondly tell you, during my first few months in the States, I made a few boo-boos. If someone pissed me off by not meeting my demands immediately, I'd say, "If you don't give me your notes, I will fuck you."

As you can tell, these threats didn't go over very well. My sweet friends would laugh at me and tease me mercilessly. Actually, Jessica retold that story to just about everyone we met for the next four years of our college life. Even today, if we're together and she is telling someone about me, she'll ask me if it's okay to tell the "fuck story."

Even after I learned how to curse properly, I seem to enjoy using words that push people's boundaries. I almost always say "I'm going to pee" or "I have my period." I don't really understand why certain words are never meant to be used.

I understand that there are cases where manners are crucial. I don't get up in a meeting and tell the vice presidents and partners in the firm that I have to pee. I just excuse myself. But why can't I tell a male friend that I have my period? How come shaving and periods are only acceptable subjects to be discussed among women? They're natural. They occur consistently. What's the big deal?

So yes, I get my period. If I'm lucky, every month. If not it's bad news, I guarantee you. And yes, I pee. Several times a day. If not, I'm not drinking enough. And I shave. As often as possible, so little forests don't grow under my arms, on my legs and anywhere else I don't want them. When I want to look pretty, I get a manicure or a pedicure. I might even get a facial if I feel in the mood. So there.

Since "it's that time of the month" is already socially unacceptable to mutter to your boss or such people, I think it's okay to use the actual word "period" with the rest of the people in your life.

I'm gonna start a taboo-breaking revolution. Even if it's a one-man one. (or one-woman one as the case my be here.) No more tiptoeing around the issues, dammit.

And if you don't like that, I will fuck you!

Previously? Look Ma, I'm Bonding.

I am a very touchy-feely person. I'm not sure if it comes from the Spanish blood, European upbringing, or having been hugged a lot as a kid. But I touch people almost constantly when I talk. Often times it's such an automatic reaction that I don't even realize I'm doing it.

I don’t mean to imply that I touch people in inappropriate places. I generally touch their hands or their arms. For some reason, I believe that touching lets me get my honesty across better. It somehow projects the sincerity of my emotion or caring to the other party.

Most of my friends are used to the fact that I hold their hands when either one of us is sharing a difficult emotional situation. I hug my friends almost all the time. I even kiss their cheek at times. In Turkey, people kiss each other on both cheeks to greet. Men kiss other men and women other women and women kiss men and vice versa. In America, that would likely scare the crap out of an observer, but in my country it's common practice. You even kiss someone you just met, in most cases. It's not sexual, it's not even physical; it's just a common custom.

I believe that the physical and sexual aspects of touching are way overrated in this country. If I'm walking down the street hand in hand with a female friend, it doesn't mean I'm lesbian. It means I like my friend and I am enjoying spending time with her. When little kids hold hands, we think it's cute how they like to hang out to each other, but as we grow up the same bond becomes inappropriate and a taboo.

Why?

Why can't I hold someone's hand or kiss him on the cheek or give him a warm hug without it being about wanting to fuck him? Why can't I touch him as he shares a difficult moment, or even as he talks about nothing specifically important, without people thinking that I am trying to turn him on?

Maybe I am weird cause sexual thoughts are not primary in my head. Often times, other people get the wrong impression that I'm trying to drop hints about how interested I am in pursuing a physical relationship with them. I never get sexually aroused when a friend touches me. Not even when a stranger does, even if he's attractive to me. I am only physically excited if I already love that person in that way. I know this is weird to most people but I think that maybe it explains why I don't think twice before I touch people.

I just wish more people would hug each other. I feel like so much emotion and healing can be passed by touching someone else and I'm sad that there is so much taboo associated with it. I don’t know why some cultures respond to it better than others do.

Do you?

Previously? Inquisitive Mind or Bully?

That's an actual quote from a friend.

I was raised with proper manners. My parents taught me to never go to someone's house empty-handed and to always send a thank-you note afterwards. Even when I visit my sister's home, I bring presents for my nephews each time, though mom doesn't have to twist my arm about that one.

While I try my best to be well behaved, I get totally peeved when I hear words like the ones above. When did nice gestures become expected requirements? I thought sending a card made you thoughtful but not sending one shouldn’t automatically make you rude. Cause if it does, then the cards are no longer a token of appreciation, they're a formality or worse, a requirement.

I hate doing things just cause 'it's the way things are done'. When my sister got married, as I spent shaking the hands of many practical strangers who couldn't care less about actually celebrating my sister's happiness, I told my mom that she should expect a call from me the day after I get married. If I were ever to get married in Turkey, there is a long list of people we'd have to invite 'just cause it wouldn't be right otherwise'. As the British like to say, 'that's bollocks.'

I am not fond of people with expectations. They're just setting themselves up to be disappointed. I'm not fond of people who judge others by what they forgot to do. I'm not fond of people who keep track. "I called last so now it's her turn to call." Huh? What grade are we in? I'm not fond of fake smiles and doing things cause I have to.

I shouldn't have to do anything. I should be able to smile, care, do my best and people should appreciate that. I believe that to be true of everyone. If you're trying too hard to fit in, maybe you shouldn't.

I decided long ago that I only live once and I want to make sure that I live the way I want to, not how others want me to. I want only the people who are my closest friends on my wedding day. I want to do (at least attempt to do) anything and everything I've dreamed of.

I always try hard not to hurt anyone around me. I screw up sometimes, but never on purpose. I always try to give and be the best that I can. I think that's all anyone can ever ask of me.

Previously? birdie's eyelids, big ears, and pottery.

The thing is I spent most of my childhood surrounded by people who made an art form of talking behind people’s back. Actually, they brought it to new levels. Imagine three girls in a ski slope. Let’s name them Jill, Mary and Anne. Together, they’re a bunch of giggles and hugs. But, as Jill and Mary share a ride up the hill, they talk about Anne’s new boyfriend and how he’s sleeping around and how they think Anne is such a moron for not noticing what everyone knows. The next round, Mary and Anne take the ride up the hill as they talk about Jill’s new haircut and how she looks like a rat with her nose job. Finally, Anne and Jill, as they sit together, talk about how Mary will never have the fashion sense they do. I kid you not; these are the kids I had the fortune of growing up with.

Me? I was the lowest of the low. Nicknames? I got them all. Trust me.

Why didn’t I stop hanging around these people? Cuz I’m a wimp.

I have this amazing need to make sure everyone likes me. The thing is I know that it’s impossible to have everyone like you. I don’t like everyone.

After all these years and many better friends later, I still hate it when I hear someone talking behind my back. I hate being someone’s inside joke.

If you have a problem with me, just tell me. This is good for both of us. I get to find out what about me might be annoying you and I can choose to fix it or I can choose not to associate with you any longer. It all depends on what the thing is. You have benefits, too. If I fix it, all is good and if I don’t, well you don’t have to worry since I won’t be around.

I just don’t understand what good it does to tell someone else about issues you might have about me. If I snort when I laugh or blow my nose in a way that gets on your nerves, what’s your friend Lily gonna do to fix it?

What good does it do to bitch and moan behind my back and smile to my face?

That’s what I hate most. The fake people. It must be a present from my childhood friends. I’d so much rather know what I’m dealing with than have a million false smiley faces.

I may be crass, but when you’re my friend, you always get pure honesty.

Previously? Remorse.

I agree with Stewart that, for the most part, today's problems are less severe than the past's. Reading it made me thing of the wheel-thing in Disneyworld where as it moves from the 60s to the 70s and so on, everyone sings about how they're living in the best of times. (For those of you who've never seen this, I will try to find a link.) While there are still a lot of issues to resolve, there are many improvements that have already been made and the past is and has been far from perfect.

I also sympathize with Matt's frustration but have a slightly different perspective on the issue. I've been lucky enough to come from a well-to-do background. My parents could afford to offer me many luxuries that others didn't have. I managed to come to the United States cause they could afford to send me to college without a scholarship, which is truly difficult to get as a foreigner with my kind of background. I tried hard not to take advantage of the situation and worked hard during college to receive both my Bachelors and Masters simultaneously to make sure their sacrifices weren't for nothing.

Since I was seven, I wanted to be a computer programmer. I didn't even know enough about the machines to make an educated decision but I wanted it anyhow. So I went to a school known for its good computer science program and studied hard. I graduated and took a job in the field and I should have been happy cause I'd achieved my lifelong goal, right? Well, several months ago, I decided that I wasn't doing enough good for the world. Instead of spending my days in a cubicle, I wanted to go out there and touch people, change people's lives, make the world a better place.

While I agree with Matt that there's so much to change and that it's an unreasonable goal to set, I have a slightly differing view on what constitutes as change. All of us would agree that finding a cure for cancer would be a drastic improvement to humankind. A cure for any major disease would be a huge accomplishment. I know that it's unlikely I will find that cure. Actually, it's impossible since I'm not even trying to. I have the highest respect for those who are and I'm thankful for people like that in the world, for without the people who try to achieve these unreasonable goals, we would never move forward in big strides.

What I can do, however, is make small strides. It's unlikely that I can change a million people's lives, but it's not only possible, but highly plausible that I can change one person's life. I might even be able to change five people's lives, or maybe thirty. Even more. I feel that, if I've made one person's life truly better, my life has been worthwhile. I know that's an optimistic look on things but all great things start with a small step. What if you helped some kid decide to go to school and he grew up to be the man who found a cure for cancer? Would you, then, think your life had a meaning?

In an effort to make my life more meaningful, I decided to reduce my work to three days a week and use the other two to volunteer. Have I saved the world? Nope, nowhere close. Have I made a drastic change? Not, yet, but I plan to and I'm hanging on to the belief that I can.

I'm not saying that everyone should care to change the world, neither am I saying that it would be easy to do so. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't undermine the importance of a small change. You might not have the power to rid the world of all bigoted people, but you do have the opportunity to educate the two or three that might be at close proximity to your surroundings.

All this talk makes me think of two quotations I like by two amazing people. The first is a well-known saying by Ralph Waldo Emerson. "To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." Again, maybe it's an optimistic view, but I believe it.

The second by George Bernard Shaw, says: "Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people." All I can say to that one is that I strive to be unreasonable and I hope you all do the same.

Looking back at all my words above, I wonder why I even bothered to write all this. I guess the main reason is that when I read pieces like Matt's I get saddened by people's loss of hope. Yes, there's a lot of work to be done but please don't be sad that you're one of the rare people who think about improving the world. The world might never reach your ideal and it might be true that few things will change in your lifetime but if we stop being unreasonable and trying, even those small changes will not happen. The world needs as many 'unreasonable people' as possible.

I'm glad that Matt says he won't stop trying and I hope all the other disillusioned souls out there feel similarly cause if everyone stops trying, how will progress ever be made?

My apologies to Matt and Stewart if I've misinterpreted any of their words. I don't know either of them personally or otherwise. I certainly didn't have the intention of making it seem like they might have said something that they didn't. And if I have, please feel free to let me know and I will make all the necessary changes.

Another set of apologies for having such a long post, I will try to move this to a page of its own.

Next time you’re jealous of someone, change your perspective. Decide to be inspired instead.

I have the same problem with people who treat their dogs that way. Or people who kick pigeons. Why must you enjoy someone else's pain? Just let everyone be! Especially the animals and children. Ok, done lecturing.

Actually one more thing. As a dog person, I feel like all dog people should be nice and approachable humans. That's what differentiates the dog people from the cat people. (Tho I admit to being both, I lean slightly more towards being a dog-person.) When I see an owner walking his puppy on the street and she gives me this don't-you-dare-come-near-my-pet look, I feel peeved.

This time, I'm really done, I promise.

The same scenario repeated itself today as I sat downstairs at Light Delights. Another woman, walking her dog, approached the Chase ATMs, hollering at the top of her voice. She spoke so loudly that another girl and I looked up from our books and caught each other's eye. As this woman kept yelling, I got more and more agitated and almost felt like screaming at her to quiet down. I felt like saying, "You know what? I couldn't give two fucks about your personal life and please shut up!" Being the calm and collected person that I am, I gritted my teeth and felt thankful that the machines responded quickly so that she could get her damn cash and leave. Just cause you have a phone doesn't mean you own the streets and can speak loudly calling attention to yourself and disturbing all of us in the process.

I won't even mention the rudeness of a cell phone ringing at a movie or theater cause I'm sure you've all had the pleasure of experiencing that before and if you have, you don't need any explanation from me.

When I fist came to the US, I went to a campus Jewish organization that made me fill out an application. A section asked me what kind of Jew I was. Up until that moment, I didn't even know that there were different kinds of Jews. In Turkey, I always knew myself as Jewish. Just Jewish. Isn't that enough of a category? Why do they need to break it down more?

I am only comfortable with a few categories. Human. Female. Turkish. Jewish. That's about it. I'm not willing to go any deeper and I challenge you to give me a sound reason as to why I should.