Catalyst seventy-five is up: What’s the hardest decision you ever made?

Karen says: I’ve written about Teach For America before and I will be writing about it again. This is one of the few things in my life where I still need a lot of personal therapy. It’s unfinished for me. I haven’t made my peace with it yet. I am closer than I’ve been but not there yet.

I used a digital page for this because I don’t have any good photos from that time in my life. I used this photo of me and my students but blurred out their faces. Thank you for your patience with me as I work my way through this.

Journaling Reads: i wish i could say that i feel 100% confident it was the right thing to do. that i don’t regret a moment of it. yet, here we are, six years later, and i am still unsure. i am still sad and it is still by far the hardest decision i ever made.

i have never ever quit anything in my life.

ever.

i try hard to think things thoroughly before i commit to them, and once i do, i don’t walk away. i see it through. all the way. it’s not a competition. it’s not about looking good. it’s just about integrity. i believe in seeing things through.

so, while i know deep down that i had no other choice, i still regret quitting teach for america. in my thirty-four years, i have never made a decision that was harder.





Catalyst seventy-four is up: Tell us about somethin you feel obligated to do (daily or regularly) why do you feel obligated?

my words:

I take photos. I take A LOT of photos. As far back as I can remember, I always took photos. I was the yearbook photographer and the yearbook editor. No matter where we were and what we did, I always took photos. And then I had a son. Whatever photos I took before seemed a tiny amount compared to anything I took in the years before. I have a photo for every day of my son’s first year. And then my second son was born just three months ago. I’m a second kid so I know how they don’t get as much attention and as many photographs. So I swore to myself that I would take a photo of my second son every single day for his first year as well. So far, so good. And he’s luckier because in the meantime I have become a much better photographer.





This week's prompt at creative therapy is: Tell us about a recent ‘dream come true’ it can be big or small as long as it was a dream for you.

here is my journaling:

I still remember the first time I read about Big Picture Scrapbooking. I was incredibly inspired by the idea and couldn’t stop thinking about it. A few months later, I was taking a course on accomplishing your dreams and on my list, I wrote down “submit a proposal to BPS.” I had no idea if they took proposals or what I would teach, but I didn’t care, I would find a way to make it happen. As it turns out, they did take proposals and I wrote mine up and sent it over to Stacy. A phone call and a few months later, my class was up and I finally got to accomplish my dream. And, honestly, it was better than I ever could have imagined. I loved writing the course. I loved teaching the course. I loved every bit of it and I am so lucky that I get to do it again and again.





Catalyst Seventy-Two is: Tell us about your best friend or the effect of friends in your life.

My words are:

Maybe it’s odd that my best friend is also my husband. Maybe it sounds like one of those cheesy Hollywood movies. However it might sound to you, all I can say is that it’s the truth.

No I don’t have the best marriage in the world. Yes, we have ups and downs. Many of them. Some days, I’m not even sure it won’t all fall apart. But even on those days, I am sure of one thing.

He is my best friend.

He is the person who knows me best. He is the person whom I want to call when I have something big to celebrate. He’s the one I call when I am so deep in sorrow that I want to curl up and disappear. He’s the person I want to experience new things with and celebrate old memories with. He is the person who knows me best. He is the person with whom I don’t have to fake anything.

Ever.

I don’t know how it happened that I found him. SAnd there are times when it’s rough that my husband is also my best friend. There are times I wish I had a different best friend. Someone with whom I could talk about my husband and my worries. But the rest of the time, most of the time, I am so glad that I found him. That he’s my husband. My love. And my very best friend in the whole wold.

I love you, my love.





Catalyst seventy-one is: If I had one day to do over and over, what would I want to do with it?

Here are my words:
On this day that I’d like to live again and again, I wake up before everyone and enjoy a warm drink and some solitude. Then, slowly, my household wakes up and we have a delicious breakfast as a family. Then, we take a car trip to the beach or forest. We take photos, we have a picnic, and we play together and laugh. We drive back home and we take quiet time as we read and relax. For dinner, we cook together and eat something delicious and healthy. Then we snuggle up and read or watch TV together. After some kisses and bedtime words, the kids go to bed and we have some us time just my husband and I. That’s about it. Maybe it’s ordinary to you, but I can live this simple day over and over again and always be so so happy.





Catalyst seventy is: What’s the best advice you received that encouraged you to follow your dreams? (or advice you’d give to others so they can follow their dreams.)

my words: It may sound counter-intuitive but I have found that the best advice I ever got was someone telling me that I couldn’t do something. When I was in high school, I visited Israel and this gentleman told me that if I wanted to study computers (which I did since I was seven) I should attend Carnegie Mellon University. I had never heard of the school so I ran back to my room and wrote it down in my diary. When I went back home (to Turkey), I told my teacher that I wanted to go to Carnegie Mellon. She told me that there was no way I could get in. I didn’t have what it takes, she said. I was so mad that I made it my mission to get in to the school. Not only did I get in but I graduated with both an undergraduate and a graduate degree in four years and I graduated with honors. I have since then learned that nothing motivates me as much as someone telling me I can’t do something.





Catalyst sixty-nine is: What is your favorite thing about where you live?

My text: We just bought our very first home ever. I have wanted a home of my own for as long as I can remember and I love every corner of this little house. It's my favorite place because it's where all the people I love live. It's ours. It's going to be filled with our wonderful memories. I can't ask for anything more.





Catalyst sixty-eight is: Did your life turn out how you imagined?

my words: Even in my wildest dreams and biggest hopes, I could never have predicted such an amazing life. Such incredible children. Such a loving husband. So much success. So much luck. I am so so so thankful and so blessed.

This week we also have the honor of being featured by scrapstreet.com magazine. Make sure to check it out and big thanks to Stacey.





Catalyst sixty-seven is: What's your favorite part about being a woman or a man?

my words:

I am a firm believer that women are the better and stronger gender. Maybe because I've been lucky enough never to suffer any kind of discrimination as a woman so I only see the advantages. The ability to carry babies. The ability to multitask and to love unconditionally. To care. To feel. To cry. To communicate. To be soft and tender when needed and tough when needed. To be gentle. To be intelligent and emotional at the same time. To get things done.

I am not sure why but I've always felt that women are, in general, more capable and more intelligent then men. I hold women in the highest regard and feel like I'm honored and delighted to be one. Wouldn't have it any other way.

Note: This digital layout uses: kenner road swallow field, VINTAGE FLORALS by Shabby Princess, foto blend by Anna Aspnes, Katie Pertiet color challenge 4/25, meredith fenwick – all u need.





Catalyst sixty-six is up: Create art around someone or something that you still have unfinished business with (something that's been bothering you for a while.).

here's my text:
Four years ago, when my son was born I had a falling out with a good friend. We haven't spoken since. Over the years I've often wondered if it was worth it. The fight we had. Whether it was worth losing the friendship. I am not sure. Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't...

This digital page uses the beautiful papers and elements from Kerry Lynn Yeary of Kenner Road.





This week's catalyst is: Tell us about one thing you'd change about yourself (physical or otherwise).

Here's my text (an old blog entry):
When I was younger, I used to travel in a crowd of beautiful women. I don't know how it happened but all my female "friends" were drop dead gorgeous and within a few weeks, my self-image managed to wither away to nothing. At the time, I started playing a game where each time I caught myself wishing I had someone else's something (like hair or eyes or nose or legs) I would force the issue.

I told myself that the rules were such that I wasn't allowed to take body parts or personality traits and plug them into the rest of me. If I liked someone's something, I had to completely change places with that person. Not only did I get their whole body, but I got all their personal issues, emotions, family, psychological state of mind, past, living status, job and anything else you can think of. I basically forced myself to choose between me and this random (or in some cases not so random) person. Yeah, I got to have their small nose or blue eyes, but was I ready to also have their eating disorder? How about the disinterested mom? Was I willing to give up all of who I am to look like this person? It was my way of forcing myself to face the fact that people don't come in pieces. You want a part, you get the whole thing. How do you like them apples?

In fifteen years, I've never met one person I was willing to change places with. I don't know if it was the fact that I wasn't willing to give up certain aspects of who I am of my life or the fact that I tend to favor the known over the unknown. Looking at a woman walking down the street, I can see she has pretty hair or a size-2 figure, but I can't see what goes on in her head or how much she suffers daily. With me, at least I know the hand I am dealt and I know how to live within its limits, when to push it, when to enjoy it. The game's done a lot to improve my self-esteem.





Catalyst sixty-four is: Create art about a time when something that then seemed small happened but then it ended up changing your life.

Here's my text:

Years ago, I was sitting at school with a friend who told me that a friend of hers (someone I only knew as an acquaintance) had had a really bad day. I am not sure what prompted me, but I emailed her friend that day and asked him if he was ok. Next thing I know, we were hanging out, becoming friends. And then dating. And then we got married. And now we have two kids. It all started with one single email. Amazing what can change in a moment.





Catalyst sixty-three is: Tell us about your perfect day (either one you’ve had or one you imagine.)

Here are my words:

There are some days that are meant to be perfect. Like a wedding day, a graduation, a birth, a honeymoon. But then there are those other days that start out absolutely ordinary. Never promising more. On rare occasions, one of these days turn out magnificent. Unexpected. Perfect. Those are the extraordinary moments life is made out of. Joshua Tree was one of those days for me. I will never, ever forget it.





Catalyst Sixty-Two is: What's a personality trait you admire/seek in others? Why?.

Here are my words:

The trait I admire most in others is what I call "being comfortable in your skin." I have a few friends who are just like that. They know who they are and they are comfortable with themselves. It's not confidence as much as just a level of self-comfort. When I hang out with them, I always find myself wishing I were like that too. It's something I am working on: loving myself the way I am.







Catalyst sixty-one is: Tell us about something that you always put off doing. Why?

Here are my words:

Despite the fact that I like clean and tidy houses, it's the one thing I always and always put off. I wish I were tidier. I wish I had one of those perfect houses that look so organized and tidy. I don't think it's in the cards for me.





Catalyst sixty is: What's the best vacation you ever had? Where was is to and why is it the best?

Here's my text:

I thought about this one for a long time. Honestly, I've had two "best vacation" experiences. The one I decided to highlight here is our honeymoon to the Seychelles islands.

Coincidentally, this was the number one choice for both of us and while the trip was obscenely long and they lost our luggage when we got there, it was worth every single minute. The beaches, the nature and the wildlife at the Seychelles is absolutely breathtaking. We were relaxed, happy, and loved everything about this paradise on earth. I will never, ever forget this trip.

The one I didn't highlight here was our cross-country trip. In 2003, we both quit our jobs and decided to move across the county. We bought a car and visited 40 states. We camped, we visited all the national parks, we ate both good and really bad food. We spent the whole summer in our little Civic and had a total blast. Another vacation I will never, ever forget.





I forgot to post this since I was having a baby when it went up. Last week's catalyst was: Apologize to someone.

Here's my text:

I try to live my life with as few regrets as possible and when I hurt someone or feel bad about something, I generally try to apologize immedaitely so that it’s not something that I drag out for a long time.

One of the rare exceptions is an old friend. Many many many years ago, this boy asked me out. He would have been my first boyfriend and for a plethora of reasons, I said no. I told him some of the reasons but the really big reason, the one I wasn't so proud of even then, I didn't tell him. He guessed it and knew it but I never admitted to it. We stayed friends on and off for a very long time and still talk today and I have always regretted having turned him down then but we never had the opportunity to date ever again.

A few years ago, I took this course that had me reevaluate my life and coincidentally, I was planning a trip back home after the course. So the first thing I did was call him up and apologize. I met with him and I told him the real reason I didn't have the guts to go out with him then and how much and how deeply I regretted not telling him all these years even though he knew it and even worse how much I regretting missing our opportunity.

He was incredibly graceful. Not only did he forgive me but he told me that maybe things worked out much better this way. Had we dated, he said, we might have gone out for a while and then broken up and never talked again. Whereas this way, we got to stay friends for another twenty years and get to be in each others' lives even now.

That apology and hearing his response was one of the most healing moments of my life and I wanted to commemorate it with this piece of art.





Catalyst 58 is: What's your favorite word? Why?

Here are my words:

I was going to pick Family or Love. Honestly, those words are what make me coziest and warmest inside but I wanted to pick something different from last week so I decided to go with Euphoria. I hadn’t heard of that word until college (Just to be fair, English is my second language.) and as soon as I heard it, I felt happy. To me, it is one of those words that suits its meaning so well. So I love that word.





Today's catalyst is: What makes you laugh?

My text:
Family is the one thing that makes me laugh more than anything else in my life. One of the original reasons I picked my husband was his great sense of humor and ability to make me laugh. I am not that easily amused and don’t tend to have a good sense of humor so any man who can make me laugh is a keeper in my book. Not to mention the little boy who is so funny, so sweet and cute that the wonderful man and I managed to bring to this world…

Technique highlight:
This is inspired by an old art journal page by Ali Edwards. It uses two chipboard pieces that I put down before I painted the whole page and then the white and silver sections are created by melting wax. Of course it doesn’t do justice to the original but it was fun to play with and it did make me smile.







This week's catalyst is: Create art around a mistake. The bigger the more therapeutic.

My journaling is:
Since I am the kind of person to harp on little things for hours, days, sometimes months, I try to think hard before I make decisions to minimize the possibility of making a mistake. I am happy to say I have relatively few regrets in my life. One of the very few happened a couple of years ago. I quit my job on Wall Street to join Teach For America which is a nonprofit program where you teach at under-resourced schools. I taught fifth grade at a school in the South Bronx in New York. My regret is not quitting my job but it's quitting Teach For America before fulfilling my two-year commitment. When I quit my job, I firmly believed that TFA was my path in life. I wanted to do it for two years and then move on to starting my own nonprofit and making the world a better place. So much so that at some point, I even felt the importance of improving education in the United States so strongly that I was surprised more people weren't prioritizing their life accordingly. After several months of struggling, failing, crying, trying more and failing more, I finally gave up and quit. To this day, it's something I regret. I know that it was the right decision on many levels but it's still something I regret and consider a mistake.

Technique Highlight
Since reading Kelly Rae Roberts' book Taking Flight, I've been meaning to try my hand at polymer clay. I took this week's catalyst as the opportunity to do so. I created a door to represent the new stage of my life TFA was at the time and wrote the words "believe" on the bottom since that was the strongest emotion I felt at the time: a solid sense of belief that this was the right next step for me in life. I then painted the clay and put it in the oven to bake. As it turned out, I overestimated the amount of time it needed to cook, so I burned it and a part of it got distorted. Right before I was going to throw it out, I decided it was an even better fit for my catalyst. As I started teaching, my belief and faith in this opportunity and what it represented got all bent out of shape and distorted so I decided this burned clay only reinforced my theme.





This week's catalyst is: Tell us about a time you felt unconditional love for someone or something.

My words:
I must say my first experience with true, deep, unconditional love was my husband but then my son was born and the power of loving someone that small, someone whom I carried inside me for nine months and someone who is so much a part of me is indescribable. I will forever love him and my love for him will always be unbounded.







This week's catalyst is: What's something you wish you could do? (Something you know how but are too afraid to try.)

Here are my words:

This one was easy for me. I've always always always wanted to be a published author. Fiction. Reading has always been and will always be my number one passion in the world and I've always dreamt of being one of those authors on people's shelves. I have started several novels and have done a lot of writing over the years but I have never taken it all the way. Never fully finished, edited, and sent out a book to a publisher. In the last six years, I have mostly stopped writing altogether but I still think of it from time to time and the desire to become a published writer has not subsided one little bit.





This week's catalyst is Create a piece of art around a memory or occasion that has no photos.

Here's my text:

When we were planning our wedding, the one thing we spent the most amount of money on was our photographer. We figured the photos were the best way to preserve our memories of the special day. We found this person who looked really professional, had great albums, etc and decided to go with him. He did show up and take a bunch of photos and he even delivered us our proofs and album. The deal was that a year later he would give us the negatives. Except that when the year passed, he went completely awol. We couldn't get him to answer the phone or email. We were never able to get in touch with him again and, to the day, don't have one negative from our wedding day. We still have the album we bought but if you come to our house, you won't see any wedding photos on our tables because we have none.





Catalyst fifty-two is Tell us about something you've always wanted to learn. A really exceptionally good week this week with a lot of varied and beautiful art.

My words:
I've always been a worrier. All the time and about everything. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I put a sign over my door that said "give up that there's something wrong." and I looked at it every day. Over the last four years, I've gone up and down on this. And this year, I've decided to put extra focus on achieving peace and letting go of worry. Though, I must admit the relatively rough pregnancy hasn't helped a lot, I really have been working hard at letting it go. If there's one thing I'd love to learn, it's letting go of worry.

Technique Highlight:

This piece is inspired by the amazing Kelly Rae Roberts. I used several of the techniques she teaches in her book "Taking Flight." The wings have glitter glue on them that makes them shine and they are made out of wire and tissue paper.







This week's catalyst is: What's something you do every day just for yourself? (If nothing comes to mind, create the art around what the one thing would be and why you're not doing it.)

Here are my words:

It might seem silly but something I do for myself each day is to spend time with my son. I've always dreamt of staying home when I had children but as it works out, I am now working a full-time job so it's really important to me to make sure I spend quality time with my son every single day. As much as I know my son loves it, too, it's really something I do for myself.

This is not one of my favorites art-wise but the feelings and thoughts are genuine.

come, play.





Today's catalyst is: What is something that you turn to, to lift you up out of a bad mood?

here's my text:
The one thing that never fails to lift me out of a bad mood is music. Even if I’ve had the worst day, I can get in the car, jack up the music all the way and feel better instantly. That’s why I am thankful for my 120gig iPod. This way I never have to worry about not having the kind of music I am craving at that moment. All my music is in one little machine.





Today's catalyst is: Pick a photo that brings up some emotions and create your art around it.

Here are my words:
I look at this photo of my son and I am filled with emotions. Not just for him, but for all the other people I can see in his face. In his eyes and long eyelashes, I see my wonderful husband whose eyes were one of the first things that made me fall in love with him. On his nose, I see the freckles that my sister and dad have; the little dots we used to hate as kids that I now find adorable in my son. This little boy, in one photo, can bring together everyone I love in the world and make my heart explode.







This week's catalyst was: Create art around a secret you’ve been keeping.

Here are my words:

It may not seem so, but this catalyst was incredibly cathartic for me. I spent my whole life being the girl with the diaries and the girl with secrets. I would never tell anyone anything about me. Anyone. Ever. Many good friends complained how it wasn’t fair that I knew everything about them but they knew nothing about me. I agreed it wasn’t fair but I just couldn’t get myself to share.

But somewhere along the way, I shared once and then once again and then I realized the healing power of sharing. The connection it created, the way it helped me resolve my problems just by talking about them. And imagine my surprise when I sat down to do this week’s catalyst and realized I had no secrets. Nothing. I feel so relaxed and peaceful. When it comes to keeping others’ secrets, I am still a perfect confidant who never tells a soul but now I don’t have to fill dairies with my own secrets anymore. I have kind souls to share with and I do so as needed. I am eternally thankful for that.





This week's creative therapy catalyst is: When was the last time you were up all night?

Here's my text:
The last time I stayed up all night on my own accord was in 1997. I was living in New York and my husband (then boyfriend) was still at school in Pittsburgh. We were talking over the phone and computer all night. At the time, I was taking a class on 3-Dimensional computer graphics and I was drawing a trumpet for my class. I spent the whole night working on that instrument and chatting with him. It still is one of my fondest memories. And the trumpet turned out ok, too.





Catalyst Forty-Six was: What’s your favorite poem? Why?

Here's my text:

If I had been asked this question years ago, I think I would have ended up with a Robert Frost poem as for the longest time, he was my favorite poet. I have always loved “Nothing Gold Can Stay” and used to write it in my diaries. But that was all before I was introduced to William Carlos Williams. As soon as I read this poem, I fell completely in love. I can’t even tell you why. I think it’s because it’s so ordinary, so simple. Such a beautiful representation of something that’s a part of regular, married, loving life.

this is just to say
i have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.





Catalyst forty-five is up at creative therapy: If you got to write a book/movie/song what would it be about?

Here are my words:
I actually wrote books for a while and this is a poster I made in a design class I took. This poster is for the first book I wrote. It’s about a girl who goes back home to take care of her mother with whom she has some deep issues and reconnects with her highschool love. In the book, the mom has lupus which is called the butterfly disease, hence the butterfly on the cover.

I love reading mainstream fiction and about strong characters and their connections to each other and those are the kind of books I’d like to write. I don’t dream of many many things in my life but writing a book and getting published is a lifelong dream. I yearn to write and to write well. Maybe one day…





Catalyst Forty-four is up: What’s something about the way you live your life that doesn’t align with who you are (or wish you were)?

Here are my words:
Ever since I can remember, I’ve made career and life decisions such that I could stay at home when I had children. Even back when I was 10, I wanted to study computers because I knew it was a career I could pursue from home. And yet, here I am, working at a large company, spending a lot of time in meetings, and not at home with my wonderful boy. With another little one on the way, this is the largest way that my life is out of sync with how I wish it were, so I know I need to find some solutions.





Today's catalyst is up: Tell us about a BIG dream you want to achieve (aim high!).

My text is right from the blog entry a few days ago:
Anyone who really really knows me would know that I am not peaceful. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always felt different and not in a good way. Like something’s wrong with me. Like I don’t belong. Like I am not good enough. And will never be.

This is not tied to any particular achievement. I’ve achieved a lot in my life. I’ve been really lucky and blessed to have a great education, fantastic career, amazing and loving husband and truly the best kid in the world. And that’s just a few of them. But this feeling of not measuring up (to something undefined) doesn’t go away. I compare to others constantly but only in ways where I feel like I am not as good. Not as intelligent. Not as pretty. Not as nice. Not as talented. I can go on and on.

So this year I decided to work on the most important concept of all (for me.) Achieving peace and blooming into my own. This is my year to discover and embrace who I am. Be the best of me and love it. Relax and not criticize myself. Not compare myself to anyone. Not worry about being not good enough. Stop and appreciate the truly amazing things in my life. Be thankful. Shed the past and be open and welcoming to the great future. But mostly be in the present.

God willing, I will have another baby this year and I want to make sure my kids have a peaceful mom who is happy with who she is (flaws and all). I want to make sure my husband has a wife who is happy. If there’s one thing I’d like to teach my kids, it’s that it’s ok to be whomever they are. And how better to teach it than by example?





2009 Promises to be a busy year for me. I have long list of important deliverables at work in the first three months of the year. And then our little baby is due on the fourth month of the year which, I am sure, will make the next few months a blur. Not to mention a possible move. Knowing all this, I don't want to make too many commitments for myself for next year because I hate letting myself down and I don't want to set myself up to fail. Also because 2009 is the year I am cutting myself some slack (more on this later).

But, of course, if I didn't set a few goals, I wouldn't be me. So over the next few days I'll be thinking of and committing to these goals. On the scrapping side, I am thrilled to have come up with a project that combines a few of my goals:

1. I loved doing the December Daily album this year. The restrictions of the precut pages was liberating and gave me more creativity. But I knew there's no way I could do it all year round and I've been searching for a way to continue the magic.

2. I wanted to use up some of my paper stash that's been building. I have a lot of "old" paper I love and I don't want to keep buying and never use these.

3. Like 2008, I wanted to make sure I do each week's creative therapy prompt. The other artists do them on a schedule but I've done every single one so far and I really wanted to find a way to continue that in 2009. I love the therapeutic aspect of CT but the pregnancy took away all my mojo and between that and the baby, I was worried there was no way I was going to get to them all. I needed a simpler solution.

So today, I decided to combine all three. I made a 7x8 minibook that is prefilled with a lot of the "old" papers I love. Cut and placed in random order. This is my 2009 Creative Therapy book. Each page will be one catalyst. I'll do the catalyst on one side and print out the date, topic, and my thoughts that go on the site to adhere on the other side. This restricts me to a 7x8 page and pre-chosen paper.

I know it's working because I've already completed four catalysts today! This might mean my pages aren't as varied next year but I am ok with that and I reserve the right to change my mind. So far so good. Here's a glimpse at my book:











Catalyst Forty-Two is: What was the best moment of your life (so far)?

I have a strong belief that any particular moment couldn’t be possible without all the ones that came before it. So to pick on moment without acknowledging the others wouldn’t be fair since, without them, I could have never had that particular moment.

I’ve had many magnificent moments in my life: coming to the US, graduating from college, getting my green card, marrying my husband, giving birth to my son, being pregnant with my second. There are too many to count. But at this moment, I am happiest I’ve ever been. I feel content, peaceful, optimistic and thankful. I know it wouldn’t have been possible without all the moments that came before this so I am thankful for every moment that led to this one and for this very moment.





Catalyst Forty-One is: What’s the best advice anyone ever gave you?

This might sound funny but the best piece of advice I ever got was from husband. Before I met him, if the phone rang, I had to get it immediately. It didn’t feel like a choice, more like something I was required to do. He taught me that just because it’s ringing, I don’t have to get it right now. It sounds silly, but it’s actually a statement about priorities and owning my own life. Deciding when to do what and not letting others dictate it for me, not even a telephone. It might sound silly but, for me, it was profound.





Catalyst Forty is: What’s a principle you firmly believe?

This is the quote that resonates the most with my principles. People are quick to complain about the world we live in; they are quick to judge. Yet they are not nearly as quick to jump in and help make change. I believe we’re all part of the problem and we all need to be part of the solution. Change begins with you. Be the change you want to see in the world. If we all did that, imagine how amazing things would be.





Catalyst Twenty is: How do you feel about your name?

Yes, Karen is an ordinary name but when you remember that I was born and raised in Istanbul, Turkey, doesn’t it seem so much less ordinary? I love my name cause, in my own way, I feel like my parents must have known that I was going to end up needing a nice, American name so I love my name to bits.





Catalyst Nineteen is: Create art around one of your quirks/idiosyncrasies.

I never learned how to really drive until I was thirty. I left Turkey before the legal age to get a license (eighteen) and then went to college where I didn’t need a car. And then I lived in New York for seven years, where, again, you didn’t need a car. So I was almost thirty by the time we moved to San Diego where you couldn’t do anything without a car. Let me be the first to say that learning to drive at thirty is not the same as when you’re sixteen and dying to have some freedom. It’s scary.

So here we are, four years later, and now I can drive. Well, just barely. I still don’t get on the freeway. I am still pretty nervous. But, I can go to work, to the library, and grocery store. I can also go to David’s doctor’s and mine. That’s about all I need. For now at least. OH, have I mentioned I can’t ride a bike either? Yes, I know. I am transportation-challenged. Then again, I can walk just fine.

Most of the time.





Catalyst Sixteen is: What’s your dream home?

I have many things I dream of when I think of my ideal home. I have a size in mind, a style in mind, and a place in mind. But then I change my mind. I loved New York. I dreamt of living in Tuscany. Over a lake. With a big yard. Several stories. Overlooking the ocean. The places, the sizes, the colors, even the locations change. But the one and only thing that doesn’t change is who’s there with me. Jake and David are my family. Anywhere they are is my home. They are my home.

Journaling Reads:
Each time I look at this photo, I smile and feel a strong sense of peace. It reminds me you two are all I need and want out of life. You are my why. My home.





The catalyst is up. It's: What was a dream you had as a child (about your future); did it come true or not? If it did, was it what you hoped it would be and if it didn’t are you disappointed?

Here're my words:

Since as far back as I can remember, my biggest dream was to leave home and go pave my own path. I wanted to make my own mistakes, live my own life, make my own choices. I certainly did leave my home (Istanbul) and moved very far away. I made a new life for myself here in the United States, and I am really lucky to say that, so far, I’ve loved every moment of it. I miss my family a lot but I love paving my own path, even with its bumps along the way.





This week's catalyst is: Tell us about something you don’t appreciate enough. (something that you take for granted)

I wrote:

I don’t know what I did to be the luckiest Mom in the world, but I really feel like I am so blessed. Maybe every Mom thinks her kid is wonderful but so many strangers tell me how special you are every day. You’re kind and generous. You are sweet and helpful. You are pensive and quiet. Yet when I go out with you, you talk to everyone. You can walk up to a stranger and start a conversation. You go, “Hi, I David. I three years old.” And people can’t help but laugh. Which you then take as your cue to keep talking. You can play with anyone, you’re not choosy. I love all of this about you.

But my favorite thing is what I see when I watch you when you’re not looking. When you’re lost in your own little world, playing with your cars or trains or blowing bubbles. You have such a rich fantasy life; you can play for hours by yourself and you tell yourself stories. Sometimes I interrupt and ask you what you’re saying and you say, “I talking to myself Mommy.” I guess in that way you’re my little boy. A self-content little boy.

David, I don’t know how I got so lucky as to have a son like you but I want you to know that I will never take any moment of it for granted.





Last week's catalyst was: Today you get an extra hour, what will you spend that time on?

I wrote:

There are always so many things on my to-do list but if I had one extra hour I would want to spend it with my son and my husband, I can never get enough of either in my life.

I wanted to note that after I made this art journal page, I immediately felt like it wasn’t that good. Certainly not good enough to be in the company of these amazing artists, but then I remembered my own words: this is not a competition. It did make me feel better to make the art. I do love my son so much and I really do want to spend all my hours with him. So my art was therapeutic and true. That’s all that matters in the end. I’ve heard some comments that people don’t want to participate because they feel their art isn’t good enough. I promise you that your art is good enough. If it’s authentic to you, it’s absolutely beautiful and I hope you choose to share it with us so we can enjoy it, too.





We just posted catalyst thirty-six. It's Tell us about a time you lied.

Here's my entry:
I try hard not to lie, but when we found out we were expecting and I was only four weeks along, I had to keep it a secret for 9 weeks until I got the OK from the doctor. During that time I was very ill, throwing up several times a day, which made it that much harder to keep it a secret. People invited us to dinner parties and lunches and I had to keep lying. People at work started to wonder why I was sick all the time and my friends were curious why I dropped off the face of earth. It was the hardest secret to keep and some of the most difficult weeks of my life. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, it feels great not to have to lie anymore.

Journaling Reads:
I am really bad at keeping secrets. Especially when it’s good news. So when I found out that I was pregnant (It took three tests for me to believe my own eyes.) and it was only four-weeks, I knew we were going to have to keep this secret for a long time. And then I got sick. Really bad nausea meant that our little secret became a collection of lies. Reasons why I was so tired, why I was unable to eat, why I looked so white. Eight weeks of lying later, I was finally able to share and it felt so good to tell everyone. To finally acknowledge you in front of everyone. Can’t wait to see you, little one.





This week's catalyst is: What’s your philosophy of life? (Tell us a quote that conveys it, show us photos from it, express in your own words.)

We have the one and only Ali Edwards this week so you must go visit.

Here are my words:
I made this layout well before the election and I know that these three little words have such a bigger meaning now but this has always been my personal motto, so I wanted to put a note to let everyone know it isn’t politically intended. Regardless of which way you lean politically, I think believing in yourself and your ability to do anything you want is a very powerful message for all of us.

Journaling Reads:
There are many things I believe in. The power of love. The generosity of others. Kindness.

But one particular phrase has now become my philosophy of life.

“Yes, I can.”

Throughout my life, many different people told me about things I couldn’t do. “With those grades, you can’t get into that college,” “I’m afraid you can’t sign up for this class, you’re too young,” “You can’t get that job,” “You can’t learn Japanese at the age of twenty-six, you’re too old.” These are just a few of the hundreds of such comments people shared with me.

Encouraging, isn’t it?

Well, it turns out, for me, it is actually encouraging. It turns out I can’t stand hearing the word “You can’t.” I hate the idea of anyone telling me what I can or cannot do. So once I hear those words, I suddenly have all the energy I need to prove them wrong.

A few years ago, I stumbled into this Mark Twain quote, “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” It immediately became my favorite quote. I totally agree with what he says.

Small people. I love to prove them wrong.

I believe anyone can succeed at anything they want to. Anyone. I believe I can do anything I put my mind to. I have. Over and over again. I believe life is too short to live amongst small people. I believe it’s important to surround yourself with people who are amazing and to let them encourage you to be your very best, as well.

Each time you hear that little voice inside you that wonders if you can achieve something you really want, hear this:

“Yes, you can!”

Trust me.





We posted catalyst thirty-four yesterday. It is: Tell us about a song that brings back a memory. Tell us about the memory too.

Here are my words:

For me, songs are big buckets of memories. I have a long list of songs where a few melodies can put me in a different location, mood, and spirit immediately. Of all the songs in my list, one stands out above and beyond the others. When I was a Junior in college, I started dating the man who is now my husband. My Junior and Senior year, I spent a lot of time in he and his roommate’s dorm. My Senior year, we all loved “Son of a Preacherman” so much that we decided to play it on repeat. This continued for an entire semester. The CD player was never off. When we went to sleep, we’d lower the volume and when any of us walked into the room, we’d say “Oh my God! turn it up! it’s my favorite song!!” This became our own inside joke. When I think back to my college years, Son of a Preacherman is one of my very favorite memories. A sign of fun times and beginnings of a long lasting love.





We posted catalyst thirty-three over at creative therapy. This week's catalyst is: If you had unlimited money to buy someone you know something, what would you buy and for whom?

Here are my thoughts:

This is one of the few catalysts that had me thinking for a long time. For some reason, I couldn’t come up with an answer. I thought and thought. Finally, as I was driving to work one morning, the answer hit me. I wanted to buy a bookstore, for me. Was it too selfish to use this money for myself? Maybe. But I decided that’s what my catalyst was going to be about anyway. Even if others think it’s selfish.

Years ago, I volunteered at this amazing bookstore in New York City. This store looked the way bookstores should look. It has wooden, spiral staircases. Tables everywhere for people to sit and browse. A little coffee shop in the back to relax and enjoy. Fantastic, knowledgeable staff. And some of the best speakers and authors came to read at the store. The best part was that the bookstore was completely non-profit. All the books were donated and all the proceeds went to this organization that provided shelter and aid to people who were affected by AIDS.

Ever since my years at that store, I’ve always wanted to have a nonprofit bookstore of my own. One full of used, donated books. One with a little coffee shop of its own. One with volunteers who love books as much as I do. One where people love to visit and where great authors come to read from their masterpieces. One where all the proceeds are donated across nonprofits. My passion is education so I would start by donating to nonprofits that favor education but my hope is that we can affect change in some way. Even if it’s a tiny one.







This week's catalyst is: What’s your most prized possession?

Here's my text:

When I read this catalyst, the first thing that came to my mind were my diaries. From nine to nineteen I wrote diaries every day. And I mean every single day. I was the girl who never shared her secrets with anyone but the dairies. I took them everywhere with me and all my friends joked about reading them. But nothing deterred me. I never shared my secrets and I loved having my diaries, knowing they never betrayed me or shared my secrets with anyone.

After a while, I just stopped. I am not sure what did it but I didn’t have the need or the will to write anymore. Maybe I finally started to trust people or maybe I realized I like to share, I’m not sure. But I haven’t successfully kept a diary since my Freshman year in college and I don’t really miss it anymore. But I still cherish my diaries from those years. The memories of the girl I was. The girl with the diaries.





This week's creative therapy's catalyst thirty-one. This one was "What’s a novel that has impacted your life and why?"

Here's what I wrote:

I read a lot and there are many books that have changed my life. To Kill a Mockingbird, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Great Expectations and The Little Prince just to name a few. Each of these books gave me permanent lessons and made my life different. But Jonathan Livingston Seagull stands above all of them for mostly one reason. It’s the first book I read that changed me. It’s the first book that taught me that books can change you. Change how you look at the world. Change how you look at yourself. Change the possibilities of your future.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull taught me that it was ok to be different. To have differing dreams and hopes than the people around you. How it feels to be judged, but more significantly how it’s ok to be an individual. To be different. It might even be at that moment that I decided to leave Turkey one day and find more people like me in the world.







This week's catalyst is on a decision you made that ended up changing the direction of your life.

While this is not my favorite piece of art, I find it very intriguing that all the big events of my life trace back to the moment I decided to leave Turkey and move to the United States to attend college at Carnegie Mellon. On a personal level, that’s where I met my boyfriend, whom I then married and had a child with. On a professional note, CMU got me my Wall Street job which I then quit to do Teach For America and finally Google. It all started with that one decision to go to college in the United States. A decision I will forever cherish.





This catalyst was on someone you admire. Again, an easy one for me.

I knew from the first moment I read this catalyst that it would be about my husband. My husband and I met and started dating fourteen years ago. When I first met him, I admired him for his sense of humor, for this confidence and ability to enjoy life every day. He was so much fun to be around and always made me smile. I tend to be a “glass-half-empty” kind of gal most of the time so being around him was pure joy.

As the years passed, I admired him for his intelligence and ability to work hard, make good friends and seamlessly succeed in the “real” world. He still continued to be fun, but now he was much more than that.

And then even more time passed and we got married and we built a life together and we had a baby. And I’ve learned to admire my husband even more. He’s patient. He’s kind. He’s loving. He’s generous. This is not to say we haven’t had rough times or even questioned things over the years. But we’ve always stuck with each other. We’ve always believed in each other and each time I was weak, he was there to be strong for both of us. He’s everything I’ve ever needed in my life from a husband, and even more importantly, from a best friend.





This catalyst was an easy one for me: * What’s a negative behavior or habit you have overcome?

* Journaling Reads:
Caffeine Free Diet Coke. 12 a day every day. i never drank alcohol. i never smoked. but diet coke was my vice. my one vice. until david. yet another present from my boy. (karen’s note: i quit diet coke when we decided to get pregnant and haven’t had one in 4 years.)





This is for creative therapy catalyst twenty-seven: tell us about a painful memory.

Journaling Reads:

This one is really painful. Maybe my most painful memory ever.

Years ago, I was fourteen, or maybe a little younger. In the summer, we lived on this island and there were two groups of kids my age. The group I belonged to and the other one. One day, we were upstairs in the club house and the guy from my group was talking to a guy from the other group and he said, “Well the only ugly girl in our group is Karen. All the girls in your group are ugly.”

That’s it. That’s all it is. That tiny moment that the guy probably doesn’t even remember. I’m sure he doesn’t remember. Why would he? It was nothing to him. A few cruel words. Maybe not even cruel to him. Maybe it was his honest opinion. He didn’t know I was there. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.

But it did.

I was there. I heard it. It broke me. Permanently. Twenty years later, I still feel like the ugliest girl. The only ugly girl in a group. In every group. I look at myself and I am incapable of seeing anything else. It’s the reason I’m always the girl who’s behind the camera and not in front of it. It’s the reason I don’t dance. It scarred me then. It scars me now. Just writing this down brings tears to my eyes, all these years later.

It’s amazing how a teeny tiny moment has completely changed my life. My personality. My self-confidence. The way I look at myself. The way I carry myself. The way I think of myself. The way I see myself. Looking at it now, it seems silly that I should have let it ruin how I see myself. But I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to actually let it go. It’s such a core part of who I am. It has become a fact such a long time ago that I don’t know how to relearn. How to reform my opinions of myself. It’s like redefining who I am.

It’s amazing how an ephemeral moment can leave such permanent scars.





This was for Sunday's creative therapy catalyst on one talent you wish you had.

I’ve always, always wished I were more creative. More artistically capable. I’ve tried so many forms of art. I’ve drawn. I’ve written novels. I’ve done photography. I’ve done jewelry making. I’ve done metal arts. Scrapbooking. Painting. I love the idea of being creative and artistically talented. It’s something that I crave and wish for daily.

Journaling Reads: She always thought art could give her wings. And open windows to her dreams. She craved the talent to create.







This week's creative therapy catalyst is: "what's something you fear?"

Here's my art. Journaling Reads:

When I first thought about this topic, I was going to take the easy route. I was going to write about the dark. I’m afraid of the dark. Not too much. Not enough to have to leave the lights on. But enough to feel uneasy. Enough to rush through the dark to get to the light.

But that’s too easy.

There are so many other things I’m afraid of. I am afraid of being alone. I grew up with friends who weren’t really my friends and who tried to get out of inviting me to events as often as they could. Thus, I’ve always felt unwanted. I’ve also always been a bit different from the rest of my family so I grew up with a sense of not belonging. Coupling the two makes me someone who’s really scared of being alone. Someone who always thinks that the people around her will flee at the first opportunity. I worry about this constantly. Even with Jake, who’s been with me for fourteen years. I still think that, given the opportunity, he would leave.

So I thought I would make my art about being alone. But then I realized that there’s something I fear even more than that. Something so close to my core that it makes me scared just thinking about it.

I am afraid of having a life unlived. A life of unrealized potential.

A life of never having had the guts. Never having tried.

Of all the things I could think of, this scares me the most. I want to live life fully. I want to be able to look back and feel no remorse. Feel no guilt. I don’t want to wish I could do it over again. I don’t want to regret anything.

I always want to do so much and accomplish so much. My todo lists are never below 30 items. But I want to make the time to reflect. To love. To share. To be spontaneous. I want to turn my life upside down occasionally just so I can relearn everything. So I can be sure I still feel the same way about my decisions. I don’t want to take anything for granted. Not a moment of my life wasted.

What scares me the most is being too scared to truly live.





This is for creative therapy catalyst twenty-four: What inspires you?

A few months ago, I took this class where we talked about who we are as a whole and what we’d like to stand for in the world. We created three to four areas of things that we stood for. My four were: peace, family, changing the world, and creativity. These are the areas that inspire me. I want to feel a strong sense of peace every day. I want to leave the world better than I found it. I want to have strongly bonded and supportive family. And I want to foster creativity within myself and others.

For this week’s catalyst, I took a photo for each area and printed them together. I then sewed between the photographs to create pockets and inside each pocked I tucked two sets of journaling. One was a list of things that inspire me around that category and the other was a list of things I aspire to do in each area. Whenever I have to make a choice about how to spend my time or how to decide around a commitment, I look at this page and see if it fits within one of my squares. This makes sure that the life I live is aligned with my priorities.





This week's creative therapy catalyst twenty-three is on things you hoard. I made mine about photos.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this week’s catalyst. While I am definitely a pack rat, I don’t hoard one particular thing. I looked around my house and my table and nothing jumped out at me. Until I saw my camera. Yes, of course. I hoard photos. I take tons and tons of photos every single day and I don’t get rid of nearly enough of them. But, I guess in the grand scheme of things, photos and the memories they preserve are not the worst things to hoard.





This is for creative therapy - catalyst twenty-two - what's your biggest accomplishment?

I went through a long thought process for this week’s catalyst. I even created several pieces of art. Like several others, I was going to make it about my son, but, like Becky already mentioned, I don’t think of him as my accomplishment. He is so amazing and special all by himself. I was then going to make it about coming to the United States. Moving here was the beginning of a series of achievements for me and I consider it to be the achievement that allowed all others. But the more I thought the more I knew that wasn’t the right one either. So I finally opened my computer and let my thoughts come together as they always seem to when I’m typing. I think the journaling says the rest. More thoughts on the art itself in the technique section below.

Journaling Reads: I have accomplished a lot in my life. I got in to the college of my dreams. At seventeen, I moved from Turkey to the United States. I graduated from college in four years with an undergraduate and a masters degree. I worked at a very selective Wall street firm and I got to become a Vice President pretty quickly. I got accepted to a very selective Nonprofit program. I married the man of my dreams. I quit everything and started all over again in California. I started my own photography business. I had an amazing baby who is now an amazing boy. I became an American citizen. I got a job with Google and I’ve been consistently doing well at my job. Just to list a few.

These were all goals I’d set for myself at some point or another. I am good at achieving goals. I always have been. I work hard. I put my mind to it and I get it. And then I quickly forget all about it and set the next goal. the next challenge, the next mountain to climb. While I am very proud of all my achievements and I do take many of them for granted now. I look back upon them and think they were easy. They must have been. I was able to accomplish them, wasn’t I?

Then I look at my achievements and they are all things I do. I am good at work. I work hard. But I am not so good at creative. My very organized, very structured mind doesn’t do so well with the unstructured, big picture oriented art world. I’ve always craved being more artistic. I’ve always wished I had that magical gene that made you creative. The one that meant I could draw. I could see things and imagine things the way other creative people did.

Alas, it appears I wasn’t waiting in that line when they were handing out the genes.

So when I look back upon my life, especially the one I am leading now, I am most proud of this place. Creative therapy. It’s something I created to tell myself that I can be creative too. That creativity is not always about drawing perfectly. It’s not about being the best designer. The most talented artist.

I can create art too. I can even use it to grow. To learn. To reflect. To dream.

This was my way of making myself create every week. It is my way of not letting myself give up (like I did for writing). Letting the conversations in my head go. Allowing myself to experiment. Giving myself a space to create. Recurringly. Holding myself responsible. Putting myself out there.

Sharing my art scares me. I never think I am good enough. I always think people will laugh at me. People will say “who does she think she is to be displaying her art?” It scares me more than any of my work commitments ever did. It scares me more than having a baby did. It’s too raw. It comes from the place of ultimate uncertainty and it’s exposing something deep down that I normally prefer to leave in the dark.

So I am most proud of creative therapy. Proud that I have the guts to do this week after week. That I have kept this commitment to myself. That I have created this space for me and for others. I am proud that it exists.

I am proud that I wasn’t too scared to make it happen. I am still scared. Every week.

But I am proud.

Technique Highlight:
I meant for this piece to feel raw. I used a sheet of old paper, put gesso all over it and stamped it with pink paint. Pink for color of skin. Since the journaling was really really long and personal and about being scared, I made it a tiny font and printed it on a sheet of music that I had also gessoed over. I stamped “ME” on the journaled paper to emphasize the theme of “for me.” I added a few pink pieces to make sure the little piece of paper didn’t get lost on top of the big one of the same color. I put some butterflies to symbolize freedom and a photo of me laughing for happiness. I stamped my title and sprayed some water over it to give the sense of tears. It’s not nearly as beautiful as I wish it were and it didn’t even come close to what I had in my head but none the less, this is what came out.





I just realized that I never posted my catalyst twenty-one last week.

The topic was "your first memory of love."

As soon as I saw this catalyst, I knew it was going to be about my first boyfriend, Levent. He and I were best friends for a long time and then he suddenly decided he didn’t want to talk to me for a week. After going through one of the longest weeks of my life, he came back and said that he was in love with me. We started dating pretty soon after that. There are many joys Levent brought to my life but the most precious gift he ever gave me was to show me that I was worthy of being loved. And for that I will be forever thankful to him.





This is my art for catalyst Eighteen at creative therapy, which is: What’s your favorite place in your house, and why?

When I first thought of this catalyst, I was going to make it about our living room. It’s the room where I scrap, where David plays, and where the TV is. For me, that makes it the best room. Then I thought I might do it about the garden. I’ve never lived in a house that had a garden, so I think it’s so special and I thought it would be worthy of the catalyst. Then I realized that the thing I love the most is that we live in a house.

I grew up in a big city where there are no houses, only apartment buildings. So living in a house, having my own backyard, my own little space on the street, my own driveway: it all makes me so happy. It’s something I always wanted as a kid. And it’s something I love. I don’t even care that I don’t own it or that it’s falling apart a bit. I love living in it. I love my house. My yard. My driveway. All of it.





This is for catalyst seventeen: what's a quality you look for in a romantic partner?

Journaling Reads:
Maybe it’s weird that a quality I look for in others should be about me, but the more I think, the more I realize that the number one quality I look for in a romantic partner is that they make me want to be a better me. No scratch that. That they make me want to be the best me. What excites me the most is meeting someone I respect. Someone whom I look up to. Someone who inspires me to be better.





This is for catalyst fifteen: your happiest memory.

I decided to write about a car trip my husband and I took to Joshua Tree National Park. It was our first time at the park and we were awed by its uniqueness. We walked around and then sat down at a bench and talked for hours until it got dark. On the way home, we put the windows down, put on some music and sang at the top of our lungs.

It was just another ordinary day, but knowing that I can still spend a whole day talking with my husband after having been together nine years (at the time) and just having returned from a 3-month cross-country trip where it was just the two of us, made me feel so happy. He has always been and will always be my best friend. If I ever doubt that, all I have to do is remember the day we spent at Joshua Tree.

Thank you to Tattered Angels and A Million Memories for the beautiful Glimmer Mist.















This was for Creative Therapy #14 (what's one lesson you'd teach your kids) and an AMM spotlight for Tattered Angels. It is really really shiny in person. here's the journaling:

Little boy, there are so many lessons I wish I could teach you. I wish I could teach you to enjoy each and every moment of life. I wish I could teach you to treat everyone with love and respect. I wish I could teach you to always be curious. To laugh often. To have a lot of courage. To give and ask for help.

The list goes on and on.

But if I get to pick one single lesson to share with you, it will be to always have integrity. Always do what you say you will. When you say you will. Keep your word. If you respect yourself and others, people will respect you and trust you on your word. That’s the most valuable thing you have in the world, David. Your word.

There are times in your life you feel like cutting corners or doing things you might not later be proud of and I urge you to take the extra few seconds to think things through, my son. Be honest. Many things can be mended but a loss of respect is incredibly hard to recover. Your word is how others see you.

Your word is who you are. Live your life with integrity and character, my son. It is the very best advice I can ever give you.





This is for creative therapy catalyst 13: thank someone.

There are many people who have helped me in my life. Many people who deserve thanks for so many things. But what my son has already done for my life will forever be the one thing I am eternally grateful for.

Before David was born, I had always been a sad person inside. Not that I didn’t have happy moments but overall, my normal state of being was on the sad side. I remember that when I was pregnant, I was really worried that my son would have a sad mom and blame himself. I was worried I would have really bad post-partum. I was worried about a lot of things. I wanted to “fix myself” before he came. I made up this big sign that read “Give up that there’s something wrong.” and I put it above my bedroom door so I saw it every morning and night. I was going to learn to be happy, no matter what it took.

It turned out that I really didn’t have anything to worry about. I cannot explain why or how but the minute David was born, something fundamental shifted inside me. Not only did I not have an inkling of post-partum, but David made me a happy person. Since his birth, I have felt a deep peace inside that I had never experienced previously. He has literally changed who I am.

No matter what the coming years bring, I will forever be thankful to my boy for giving me this priceless gift.

Journaling Reads: David the list of things for which I am thankful to you goes on and on. You have brought so much joy into my life and you have taught me that life is full of fun and happiness. The way your life is all about the little moments and making tons of tiny memories is what I cherish the most. You have taught me how to live and how to love you. ---

I've used Glimmer Mist that I was lucky to get as part of being on A Million Memories DT. You can't really see but the hearts glimmer.





This is for catalyst twelve at creative therapy. The catalyst is "If you could do something to make a big impact on the world, what would it be?"

For this week's catalyst, I wanted to do something different. I feel very strongly that every one of us can change the world by doing seemingly small things. We all have the power and the ability to make this world a better place. So I made a little minibook with my ideas on how you can change the world:

Here are the sections:
1. Help others: Imagine if everyone spent a few more hours a week volunteering? We could make such a huge impact on the world. Or maybe something tiny. Help hold the door for the person coming behind you. Do a tiny kind gesture, you can never be sure what effect that has on the rest of the world.
2. Be kind: Be kind and loving to people. Always assume the best of others. I think if everyone did that, the world would be a different place.
3. Have a child: Children are our future. They represent the world of possibilities, they are going to create the tomorrow we live. They will definitely change the world.
4. School and Family First: I believe that everything starts with family and education. Those are the two pillars of any human and if you get those right, your impact on the world will be that much stronger.
5. Change yourself: It all starts with you. Don't wait for others to change. Start with the man in the mirror.
I think the world is changed by seemingly tiny things all the time. If we do any of these five, I think we are moving the world in a more positive direction.


I used tattered angels products I got for being on AMM DT







































This is for creative Therapy catalyst eleven.

Here's the journaling:
You gave me the love of words.

My first memory ever is of you sitting on our parents’ bed and reading the newspaper. I was so envious, I asked you to teach me to read, too. And you did. One letter at a time.

Yona, you may not know this, but you gave me the biggest present anyone ever gave me. You gave me the love of words. Over the years, through sad, boring, and even happy times, I always had books. It didn’t matter where I was, with whom I was, or what I did. As long as I had a book or two, life was swell.

Those few hours we spent together opened up an entire world for me. It became my best escape. My way of falling into other people’s lives. My way of living, loving, learning. My favorite thing in the whole world.

I went through a tough childhood and didn’t have a lot of good friends. But I always had books. I lived vicariously through so many of them. I still remember how you drove me to bookstores far away just so I could pick my favorite books. I remember how much you supported my love of the written word. From that first memory and onward.

Over the years, many things about me changed. But not my love of reading. I still read two books a week, most weeks. I still crave the words, the stories, the lives that I get to experience. I still carry a book with me everywhere I go. It’s still my very favorite way to relax, escape, and to feel happy.

I want you to know, Yona, that I owe it all to you. To that moment when you didn’t tell me to leave you alone. That moment when you let me lie there, next to you, on Mom and Dad’s bed, and showed me how to read each letter.

You gave me the love of words, my sister. The best present I’ve ever received in my whole life.





This is my layout for catalyst ten.

Journaling Reads:
You were the only one who really understood me. The one who truly supported me. The one who made me feel less alone in the world. I love you each and every single day and miss you with all my heart.
I used papers graphic45 sent us as part of being on AMM DT.





This week's catalyst is about "What do you feel pessimistic about?"

Journaling Reads:
I used to get pessimistic about everything. I felt that if things could go wrong, they would. Then, I realized that with time things started to get better and look less scary. So I learned to tell myself that if I feel down, I just have to wait a little longer and, with time, all of it passes.





This week's catalyst is about "What is your guilty pleasure and why does it make you feel guilty?"

Journaling Reads:
I spent the last week thinking about my guilty pleasures and kept coming up empty over and over again. I have lots of things that I shouldn’t be doing but somehow I just don’t feel guilty about any of them.





This week's catalyst is about "what makes you, you?"

I used the cardboard to emphasize the feeling of being "bare" and the authentic me. I also tore the papers to give the impression that all the layers of me were stripped off and this was the true me.

Journaling Reads:
what you see is what you get.

that's me.

i don't mince words. i am not cruel but i also don't lie. i have no time to play games. too many people have messed with my head and i refuse to play with yours.

when you get me as a friend, you get a loyal person who will always be honest, kind and generous.

i will not change on you. i will not deceive you. i will not stab you in the back. i only know one way to be and this is it.

it may take a while to get to know me. to see that i truly care. and i really will be there. always.

you may be confused. you may think there's more under the surface. you may wait anxiously to see what's really going on.

but it's really simple with me: what you see is what you get.

always.







This week's catalyst is about "Someone or something that really frustrates you. Feel free to vent, but in a therapeutic way."

I've been hurt many times by people who seemed like they were my friend but turned out not to be so. I decided to dedicate this week's layout to them. I used crackle paint and then inked it. I also made my own background. I took a photo of one of my such friends and me and scratched her face out and tore the photo. This was indeed very therapeutic for me.

Journaling reads:
fake.

yes, i'm talking to you. i thought you were my friend. now i can see that you don't even know what it means to be a friend.

if there's one thing i hate in the world more than anything else, it's people being one thing to your face and another behind your back. i wouldn't take that from anyone and i am surely not taking it from you.

i was surprised, at first.

then i was sad.

and then mad.

now i'm finished.

done.

Come play.





This week's catalyst is about "what you like best about yourself."

Journaling says: There aren’t many things I like about myself but I will always cherish my ability to love people in an endless and unbounded way. When I love someone, even if just a friend, I give that person 100% of myself. I am always there and will always do anything needed. My capacity for love is my very favorite thing in the word.





This week's catalyst is about "something you remember from your childhood."

My whole life I was this sad, little girl. I always worried that something was wrong with me or that I would always be unhappy. I wish I could tell that little girl now that Life is going to work out for her and that she should give up constantly thinking that something is wrong.







This week's catalyst is about "the best part of your day." I took a bunch of the photos I've taken of David this year and made this.

The journaling reads:
Since the beginning of this year, I’ve been taking daily photos of David. It guarantees that we spend some quality time together every day.

In the last month, we’ve also started taking walks when I come home and it’s our time together. Now when I walk through the door, David says, “Go for walk, Mommy?” I grab my camera and we run out the door. We hold hands, we talk, we look at the flowers, we laugh, and I cherish each and every moment.

What started as a fun little project has become the best part of my day.





Here's my second catalyst. This week was about "a place you go to find your center."

Journaling Reads:
when i feel like my problems are huge
and about to swallow me
i visit nature
i look at the towering trees
the endless ocean
and it reminds me
that i am a very small part of this earth
tiny
and my problems, i realize
are not so big.








Here's my art for the first catalyst. It was about "something you lost".

Journaling Reads:
I am the girl behind the camera. I am the one who takes photos I capture the moments I preserve the memories. There was a time when I was in front of the lens. When I let people take my photo, but now when I see a photo of me I cringe. I see all the flaws all the fat all the ugliness. I lost the ability to see myself clearly. I can’t remember what it felt like to look at the photo and see me. I miss that.