karenika - books - seductive poison

Seductive Poison

In 1975, just before my final certification examination, I was offered a position with a leading San Francisco surgical hospital. But Jim had noticed a slight change in my demeanor. It was as if he could smell confidence and pride seeming out of my pores. My newly found self-assurance and burgeoning relationships with outsiders were becoming a threat, so Jim orchestrated a setup to rein me in and nip my ambitions in the bud. He called an emergency Planning Commission meeting in San Francisco. When I entered the room late, having returned from a nap at Mama's house, I noticed that Sweet Annie and Teresa seemed nervous. For the first hour, Father spoke of moving out headquarters to San Francisco so he could be more accessible to the politicians. I knew something was wrong when Karen and Carolyn, who often sat near me, positioned themselves across from me, on the other side of Jim's chair. Neither made eye contact with me. Then, Robbi, who had just turned eighteen and was new to the Planning Commission, stood up and announced that she felt I was acting treasonously.

I was shocked, and wondered if I had been seen visiting my parents. Next, Trisha stood and said she knew I was on the Diversions Committee. How could she know this? It was top secret and I had never mentioned my privileged position to anyone. Only Jim, Carolyn, and Teresa knew, and Teresa would never have betrayed me Finally, Karen jumped up and said that I was too close to my parents and a spoiled brat. I was disturbed by her vehemence, but when Carolyn could not face my heartbroken gaze, I knew I had been set up. My inner voice screamed something at me, but I could not hear it.

Jim's maneuver worked. From 7 P.M. until the next morning I was yelled at, spit on, and humiliated. Finally, my arms hanging stiffly at my sides, as was required of those being confronted, Father told me how disappointed he was in me and that I could no longer waste my precious and valuable energies outside.

"It was a vain and selfish aspiration. In the future you shall keep your ambition for me and the Cause, my darling."

I was ordered to pack my belongings and immediately return to Ukiah, where I would have to work hard to prove myself again. When everyone had left the church, Father came to my room while I packed. He apologized for my harsh treatment and stroked my hair.

"I would have stepped in, darling, but it would have looked as though I was playing favorites. You know how much I care about you. You are one of my most committed followers, but this will be good for your inner strength."

"Thank you, Father," I whispered, so appreciative of his taking the time to speak with me.

A good friend asked me to read Seductive Poison as it's on an issue that quickly became near and not-so-dear to his heart. More on my thoughts on the subject matter can be found here.